超越恐惧

Beyond Fear

超越恐惧

When I was told last year that my 2－year－old son had an illness that threatened his life, I tried to strike a bargain with fate――I would do anything, I would trade my old life away, if only he would get better. We learned that our son would need months of treatment, maybe even a year, before we would know whether he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night at the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right back to the hospital. The days and nights were a blur of medical reports. Fear and despair engulfed me.

去年当我得知两岁的儿子患了一种危及生命的疾病时，我努力跟命运抗争--只要他能好起来，我什么都愿意做，甚至改变我以前的生活。我们得知，儿子需要治疗好几个月、甚至一年后，才知道是不是能康复。我和我丈夫陷入了一种呆板的生活中：头一晚在医院，第二天晚上在家陪女儿，然后又一晚待在医院。日日夜夜都是治疗报告。恐惧和绝望吞没了我。

I watched the other mothers at the hospital. I saw the mother of the child with cystic fibrosis faithfully administer physical therapy, heard the hollow thump－thump－thump as she pounded the child's chest, her efforts a talisman of dedication, hope and pain. I ached for the mother whose infant twins both had cancer and who managed somehow to write thank－you notes to the nurses after the babies' many hospitalizations. I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.

我观察了一下医院里的其他母亲。有一个孩子囊性纤维变性，他母亲尽职地帮他进行理疗，在孩子胸上连续敲打，听砰砰的声音。她的努力里面饱含着奉献、希望和痛苦。我敬重那位母亲，她的一对双胞胎婴儿得了癌症，她在孩子们多次治疗之后还能强忍悲痛给护士们写感谢信。

I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.

我担心自己可能做不到像这些母亲那样坚强。她们做的正是好母亲该做的，也是病儿母亲不得不做的，也是我所做的。

But I did not feel selfless, the way those other mothers seemed to feel. I was ashamed to admit it, but mingled with my terror and grief. After the first three weeks, we realized we were only at the start of a marathon. The friends who knew me best started telling me I should go back to work. It would be good for you to get a break, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their sick children for work. Yet when my son's doctor told me he thought it would be fine, that he could E－mail his assessments, I tore myself away.

但我并不像其他母亲那样觉得无私。我很羞愧地承认这一点，同时感到恐惧和悲伤。头三周过后，我们意识到这只是一场马拉松的开头。了解我的朋友开始对我说，我应该继续工作。他们说，换换环境对我有好处。可我拒绝了。我认为好母亲不会丢下生病的孩子去工作。然而儿子的医生也告诉我那样做会好一些，他可以用电子邮件向我传递治疗报告，我只好忍痛离开了。

I could not work a normal schedule――far from it. But as the months of my son's treatment dragged on, he was able to stay out of the hospital for longer periods. My husband and I still took turns at the outpatient clinic or at the hospital. I was lucky that my family and my baby sitter could also relieve me so that my son was never alone.

我无法正常工作--远远不能。但儿子的治疗挨过了一个月又一个月，他可以出院在外待较长时间了。我和我丈夫仍然轮流去门诊所或是医院。幸运的是，我的家人和保姆也能减轻我的负担，所以儿子一直有人陪着。

There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could eased my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.

虽然是这样，可仍有很长一段时间我得抛开一切事情陪在他身边。但让我吃惊的是，我发现只有在工作的时候才能减轻我的无助感。我可以分散注意力，因为有那么多电话要处理，那么多紧急的和日常的工作要去做。我还能够管理某些事情。

I felt guilty at first about the solace I took from work.I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me――taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children.