48小时，让你们的感情走出阴霾

One of my friends keeps talking about leaving his wife. The two of them are great together when they're good. But they stink when they're bad.

我有一个朋友一直在说要离开他的妻子。这对夫妻好的时候如胶似漆，不好的时候相互嫌弃。

In a recent article on the five stages of relationships, I wrote about getting to stage five, where "being together is based on shared purpose rather than need."

在最近的一篇“爱情的五个阶段”的文章中，我写到走向感情的第五阶段应该是“两个人在一起是因为共同的目标而不是彼此需要。”

My friend spends a lot of time in stage three, which is about loss of freedom. Over the years, small annoyances became big issues as hidden agendas came out. Now he feels resentful and is often in a power struggle with his wife. And he knows exactly what she "can't tolerate," so he has a well-stocked black bag of emotional missiles to throw at her.

而我的朋友很长时间都停留在第三阶段：失去自由。这些年来，随着不断出现的新问题，鸡毛蒜皮的小争吵演变成无可救药的大问题。现在，他常常感到恼怒，并且经常与妻子陷入激烈的争吵。而且他清楚知道什么是她“无法忍受”的，所以他心里积压着一大筐愤怒的情绪炮弹随时可能投向妻子。

He could instead perceive his wife as a mirror, giving him a reflection of himself. What would that mean? Every time he sees her best -- she's kind, smart, creative, funny, a good mother and a devoted wife -- he could acknowledge that these great qualities are active in him and that's how he drew the best out of her.

他将妻子看做是自己的一面镜子，反应出他自己。什么意思呢？每次当他看到妻子好的一面：她善良，聪明，有创意，风趣，并且是一个好妈妈和好妻子。他认为这些好的品质也是他自己的体现，这是他理解的妻子最美好的画面。

And every time he sees her worst, he could acknowledge that it's also active in him and she's just mirroring it. But instead of remembering that his problems are with him and not with others, he wishes she would be different.

而每次当他看到妻子不好的一面时，他也认为是自己的体现。但与其记住这些问题是因为和他在一起产生的，而不是和其他人，他倒是更希望她能够有所区别。

Wishing that she would change won't produce positive change. Focusing on what's working -- how they are great together when they're good -- could turn the situation around.

期待她改变也并不能让她有积极的改变。关注着能够起作用的事情——即他们在一起的美好——能够使情况好转。

We tend to think that being to gether equates with knowing each other well, especially over a long period. But unless we make an effort to keep things fresh, it's easy to slip into the fourth stage , where there's a sense of loss and a tendency to give up and drift apart.

我们喜欢认为在一起等于很好的了解彼此，尤其是在经过很长一段时间后。但除非我们不断努力保持新鲜感，则很容易滑入第四阶段，一种失去的感觉并且很可能导致分手。

So how can we get to stage five, and how can we maintain it?

那么怎样才能到达第五阶段，怎样维持一段关系？

One way is through Marathon Talking. Two people take turns talking for 48 hours. One talks for 24 hours while the other listens. Then they switch places.

方法之一就是通过马拉松式的聊天。两个人在48小时里轮流说话。一个人说24小时，另一个人听，然后另一个人说24小时，一个人听。

It sounds extreme. It is. And it works.

听起来很极端，没错，但也很管用。

The speaking partner can share whatever he or she wants -- life stories, memories, turning points, fears, hopes, goals. The topic doesn't matter because, about five or six hours in, when it seems as if everything has been said, some kind of magic happens where both partners stop struggling to be accepted and understood.

说话的一方可以分享任何他或她想说的：人生故事，回忆，转折点，恐惧，希望，目标。谈话主题并不重要，因为大约五六小时的时间，好像什么都已经说了，这时奇迹便发生了，两个人不再纠结，他们开始接受，开始理解彼此。

It sounds like a lot of work and perhaps impossible to manage. Actually, it's a gift – to listen devotedly to a loved one for 24 hours -- and then to share lovingly and unreservedly for 24 hours.

听起来很麻烦且也许不太可能。实际上，它是一件礼物——完全倾听另一半24小时，深情款款毫无保留地与另一半分享24小时。

48 hours of exclusive positive attention is an extraordinary, luxury, unheard of in this unrelenting world. A new kind of communication takes place, where people begin relating from their hearts instead of their heads. And it's a rare opportunity for both partners to understand who the other person truly is.

在这个无情的世界里，保持48小时积极专注的关注是非凡的、奢侈的，也是前所未闻的。一种新的友善的交流方式正在发生，人们开始关注他们的心声而不是思维。而且对于两个人来说，是可以真正了解对方的难得机会。