四种迹象表明你们的恋爱出了问题

Why is it, even though you’re in a relationship–maybe even in love–you still feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with your partner? Is this what sharing your life with someone is supposed to be like? Maybe everything you thought you knew about love is wrong because when you’re with you’re partner you don’t feel swept off your feet, you don’t feel butterflies in your stomach…what you feel like is something more like anxiety. Here are four warning signs to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship.

1. The Criticizing

Criticism can be helpful when a partner points out a problem the other person in the relationship doesn’t notice. It’s how healthy relationships work. But once a problem ends so should the critique. With a criticizer in a toxic relationship everything the other person does is a target that can be attacked, and often in front of other people. This goes beyond playful banter: this criticism is overly harsh and causes real harm. Behind a chronic criticizer is a person whose low self-esteem leads them to find faults in their partner because of their own insecurities. Criticizers need to fix themselves first, or else they may not have partners to criticize for long.

2. The Controlling

Power dynamics in relationships can be tricky. Sometimes one partner clearly runs the show. That can be okay, if the other person doesn’t want any control, but other people may feel like they have no say over their lives. Controlling partners limit their loved ones’ choices and never let them have any independence. Even if their controlling partners make them go out and party, the other person in the relationship feels locked away from the world, like prisoners, because doing that was not their choice. Someone has to let go, or else you’ll both be searching for more leverage somewhere else.

3. The Withholding

Keeping things to yourself is one thing, but withholding is something else. Withholding is when one or both of the people in the relationship refuse to share how they really feel to keep the other person from harm. That may seem nice, but it’s actually toxic because if something is wrong, the other person has no idea about it and therefore can never hope to fix it. The brokeness spreads, and eventually the relationship will fall apart. Open up, or you’ll have to pick up the pieces.

4. The Lying

You’re not going to find a much worse sign that you’re in a toxic relationship than if your partner is overtly lying to you. Some liars are so good at what they do that it almost seems as if they believe the lies that they tell instead of the truth, and blame you for not believing them. This is probably the most toxic trait on this list. If you’re the one who thinks you need to hide everything from your partner, consider the harm you are doing both to that person and to yourself: eventually your lies are going to get you dumped.

为什么即使处在一段充满爱的关系里，你仍然会对伴侣感到不满意？难道跟恋人分享自己的生活本是这般模样？也许你原本关于爱情的一切认知都是错误的。因为当你与恋人在一起时你没有被迷得神魂颠倒，也没有心跳加速，反而更多的是焦虑。下面四种迹象教你辨别你的恋爱是否出现了问题：

1.批评

恋爱中，当你指出了恋人忽视了的问题时，这种批评是有益的，这也是让你们的关系保持健康的方法。但一旦问题已经被解决了，就应该停止批评。在一段不良的关系中，爱批评的那个人会逮住对方所做的任何事情进行攻击，而且常常是当着其他人的面。这就超出了开玩笑的范围：这种批评过于苛刻，会给别人造成真正的伤害。这种爱批评别人的人，其实他们本身很自卑，他们总是抱怨自己的伴侣是因为他们自身缺乏安全感。爱抱怨的人首先需要改掉这个毛病，否则他们无法与别人长期维持一段关系。

2.控制

在一段关系中，控制权也很难把握。如果你能接受你的伴侣掌握主导权，这完全没有问题。但如果你的伴侣完全不想自己的生活被你控制，你就会觉得你无权过问他们的生活，问题就出现了。爱控制伴侣的人喜欢替别人做决定，他们绝不让自己的恋人有任何独立性。即使他们让恋人去参加社交活动，对方也会觉得自己像犯人，已经与世界都隔离了。因为被控制的人无法选择自己的人生。你要学会放手，不然你和你的恋人就必须在其他方面找回平衡。

3.隐瞒

自己知道是一回事情，但隐瞒对方却是另一回事情。在一段关系中，如果你选择拒绝说出自己真实感受以此来保护对方这种做法时，虽然这看起来没错，但实际上这是大错特错。因为如果你隐瞒的事情是错的，而你的伴侣根本不知道这件事，错误就永远也得不到解决。这种错误会一直伤害你们并最终将你们的关系土崩瓦解。你有两种选择：开诚布公的谈一谈，或者你将不得不收拾你造成的残局。

4.谎言

你不会找到一个更糟糕的迹象表明你正处在一段不良的关系中，那就是你的伴侣经常对你公然说谎。有些骗子的骗术非常高明，他们的谎言几乎以假乱真，如果你不相信他们的谎言，他们就会指责你不信任他们。这可能是这个名单上最坏特质。如果你认为你是那个需要经常向你的伴侣隐藏一些事实的人，你可以考虑一下你的谎言将带给你们两个人的伤害，最终你的谎言会让你一无所有。