理想是生命中神圣的向往

我把理想镶嵌于生命的镜框。

I set my ideal in the frame of my life.

无数年前，一位早已失去联系的师长，在我家乡绿意盎然的河畔，很恳切地对我说，你要走向成功，必须勇敢地走出你眼前的这些大山。我知道他话中的含义，一个人仅有理想不够，还需要有成就理想的环境；一个人仅有才气不够，还需要有宽广的视野和超越自我的高度；一个人仅靠个人的奋斗不够，还需要有扶携的圈子和支撑的平台。但我至今没有走出眼前的大山，踟躇的脚步被种种因素所羁绊，经年累月，岁月在不经意间流逝，年华在淡淡的隐忧中消长。眼前的大山依然如故地横亘着，我几乎每迈出努力的一步，大山就多一级险峻的台阶。我已经走不出眼前的大山，粘滞的脚步被生命的藤蔓缠绕，只有心底的向往从来不曾泯灭过。

Countless years ago, a teacher who had lost touch with me had earnestly said to me that if you want to succeed, you must bravely walk out of the mountains in front of you. I know the meaning of his words, a person with only ideals is not enough, but also needs an environment to achieve ideals; a person with only talents is not enough, but also needs a broad vision and a height beyond himself; a person with only individual struggle is not enough, but also needs a support circle and a platform. But I haven't walked out of the mountain in front of me so far. My hesitant steps have been fettered by various factors. Over the years, the years have passed inadvertently, and the years have been growing and falling in the light of hidden worries. The mountain in front of me is still stretching like before. Almost every step I take, the mountain will have another steep step. I can't walk out of the mountain in front of me. My sticky steps are entwined by life's vines. Only the yearning in my heart never dies.

年轻时的向往就是溢满心胸的理想，那是圣洁的憧憬，那是高尚的追求。然而，我年龄太小就考上学校，年纪太轻就参加了工作，我还来不及用比较成熟的思想去设计我的理想、去谋划我的未来，就被刻板而忙碌的职业所困。我记得我在油灯下挑灯夜读的情景，那寒星闪烁下的落寞，那长风呜咽中的孤寂，那乡野空旷的静谧，我凝神沉思，我勤奋耕耘，为实现理想而辛勤地付出。二十四岁那一年，我有了一次走出大山的机遇。那一年，我被邀请参加由《中国青年》杂志社组织的改稿会，来自全国一十四个省的一十四位风华正茂的青年相聚河南确山一个部队招待所。一个省才一个啊，《中国青年》杂志社的编辑刘新平对我说，要我珍惜这十分难得的机会。那时的《中国青年》影响力很大，几乎是所有中国青年顶礼膜拜的圣坛。我出发时，朋友阿坚与老海为我在县电视台作了报道，市文联的领导找我语重心长地谈了话。那时刻，理想犹如绚烂的朝阳，在我眼前闪耀着璀璨的光芒。那也是我第一次出远门，父亲一直送我到株洲火车站。火车开动的那一刹那，望着父亲有点担忧的双眼，我忽然想起朱自清先生的《背影》，心里油然而生一种感动。我在心里默默地对自己说，我会努力，我会争气，我会不负众望。我就在感动中随着驰骋的列车，走向一个陌生的地方，走向我神圣的理想。

When I was young, I yearned for the ideal full of my heart, that is the vision of holiness, that is the noble pursuit. However, I entered school when I was too young, and took part in work when I was too young. Before I could design my ideal and plan my future with more mature thoughts, I was trapped by the rigid and busy occupation. I remember reading at night under the oil lamp, the loneliness under the twinkling cold stars, the loneliness in the whimper of the long wind, the silence in the open countryside. I meditated, worked hard, and worked hard to realize my dream. When I was twenty-four, I had an opportunity to walk out of the mountain. That year, I was invited to participate in the revision conference organized by China Youth magazine. Fourteen young people from fourteen provinces in China gathered in a military hostel in Queshan, Henan Province. Liu Xinping, editor of China Youth magazine, told me to cherish this rare opportunity. At that time, "Chinese youth" had a great influence, almost all Chinese youth worshipped the altar. When I set out, my friend a Jian and laohai made a report for me on the county TV station, and the leaders of the Municipal Federation of literary and art circles talked to me with great emphasis. At that time, the ideal is like the brilliant sunrise, shining in front of my eyes. It was the first time that I went abroad. My father always took me to Zhuzhou railway station. At the moment when the train started, looking at my father's worried eyes, I suddenly thought of Mr. Zhu Ziqing's "back", and I was moved. I said to myself silently in my heart, I will work hard, I will strive, I will live up to the expectations. I was moved to a strange place and my sacred ideal with the galloping train.

然而，那次理想之神并没有垂青于我，改稿失败了。我把那次改稿失败的原因归咎于河南的大碗面条，我在确山下火车后，走进一家面馆，要了一碗一元钱的面条。好大一碗面条啊，还垒了两个鸡蛋，那是我至今吃过的最大的一碗面条。吃过后，肠胃不适，接下来几天的饮食，造成水土不服。最后的结果，一十四篇稿子，在终审时刷落三篇，我的那篇《青春惑》就是其中之一。其余十一篇稿子都是三等奖以上，而我不仅没有获奖，就连发表都黄了。曾有师长向我许诺，只要这次我的小说发表与获奖，我就能马上改变在乡村教书的命运。但这一切都落空了，我的师长很为我遗憾。我在走向理想的路上，遭受了重创。这致命的一击，使我沉沦了很长一段时间。我深切地感受到，理想很遥远，像夜空的星辰一样，遥不可及。我也清醒地认识到，失败并不是因为河南的大碗面条，而是因为我的实力不够。理想是山那边的一座城堡，我能清晰地看到它富丽堂皇的轮廓，然而我却无缘踏上它汉白玉铺成的台阶。我眼前的山太高，我已挪不动沉重的脚步翻越这座山。

However, the ideal God didn't care for me at that time and failed to revise the manuscript. I blamed the failure of the revision on the big bowl of noodles in Henan Province. After I got off the train in Queshan, I went into a noodle shop and asked for a bowl of noodles for one yuan. What a big bowl of noodles, and two eggs. That's the biggest bowl of noodles I've ever eaten. After eating, gastrointestinal discomfort, the next few days of diet, resulting in acclimatization. The final result is that there are three of the fourteen manuscripts in the final judgment, and my "youth puzzle" is one of them. The rest of the 11 articles are third prize or above, and I not only didn't win the prize, but even published them. A teacher promised me that as long as my novel was published and awarded, I would immediately change my fate of teaching in the countryside. But it all failed. My teacher is very sorry for me. I was hit hard on my way to my ideal. This deadly blow, I sink for a long time. I feel deeply that the ideal is far away, like the stars in the night sky, far away. I also clearly realize that the failure is not because of the big bowl of noodles in Henan, but because of my lack of strength. The ideal is a castle on the other side of the mountain. I can see its magnificent outline clearly, but I am not bound to step on the steps paved with white marble. The mountain in front of me is so high that I can't move over it with heavy steps.

我于是把理想作为生命的向往。

So I regard the ideal as the yearning of life.

一个人一生之中最漫长的经历，应该就是追求理想的过程。如果说，理想是一棵大树，你在攀爬这棵大树的过程中，期望理想之花就在伸手可及的地方，你渴望理想之果就在唾手可得之处。然而，理想之树是一棵你爬得多高它长得多快的树，你明明看到近在咫尺的理想花蕾绽开，但从开花到缔结成熟的果子几乎要花费一生的时间。如果说，理想是一条长路，那绝非是平坦大道，遍布荆棘与坎坷，漫步或行走只能在半途徘徊，必须以坚忍不拔的毅力和顽强不屈的勇气，艰难地穿越与跋涉，直至耗尽生命最后一丝精力才有可能拜瞻到理想的圣殿。理想，是一个人生命中最珍贵最神圣的向往。在一个人的生命中，理想让青春激情澎湃，理想让心灵如醉如痴，理想让生命无比疯狂；在一个人的生命中，理想是你最钟情不忘的恋人，是你最贴心难舍的知己，是你最痴迷不弃的情人。然而，理想同样也是你心头纠缠不休的恶魔，是你灵魂深处难醒的梦魇。在你生命的历程中，你为实现理想而不懈奋斗，但你追求的理想往往没有结果，而只有艰辛的过程。那种对过程的体验，常常让人惶惑、迷茫、苦恼甚至心痛，只有等过程之后，你方能感悟追求理想的过程，是人生阅历的累积，是人生经验的沉淀，是人生价值的体现。

The longest experience in one's life should be the process of pursuing ideal. If the ideal is a big tree, in the process of climbing the tree, you expect the flower of the ideal to be within reach, and the fruit of the ideal to be within reach. However, the ideal tree is a tree you climb as high as you can and how fast it grows. You can see that the ideal flower buds near you are blooming, but it will take almost a lifetime from flowering to ripening fruit. If we say that ideal is a long road, it is not a flat road, full of brambles and bumps. Walking or walking can only linger in the middle of the road. We must have perseverance and indomitable courage to go through and trek hard until we have exhausted the last energy of life before we can visit the ideal temple. Ideal is the most precious and sacred yearning in one's life. In a person's life, ideal makes the youth passion surging, ideal makes the soul intoxicated, ideal makes the life crazy; in a person's life, ideal is the lover you most love and never forget, the confidant you most intimate and reluctant to give up, and the lover you most obsessed with and never give up. However, the ideal is also the devil in your mind, the nightmare in your soul. In the course of your life, you strive unremittingly to realize your ideal, but the ideal you pursue often has no result, but only a hard process. That kind of experience of process often makes people confused, confused, distressed and even heartache. Only after the process, can you realize the process of pursuing ideal, which is the accumulation of life experience, the precipitation of life experience and the embodiment of life value.

在追求理想的过程中，我曾无数次碰壁。尽管失败的教训没有使我一蹶不振，但热情却在不知不觉当中逐渐消减。理想如一头雾水，在岁月的霜风中吹散，在现实的阳光中消弭。不是颓唐，却有着抗拒不了的消沉；不是麻木，却有着禁不住的疲累。在我生存的促狭空间，我不由得放慢了疾走的脚步，在困惑的犹疑中，在无奈的彷徨中，我踏向我必须行走的阡陌小径。那一时刻，仿佛一粒微尘散失在渺茫的空中，有如一滴清露坠落在浩瀚丛林。一种强烈的失落感袭击生命的脆弱，激荡灵魂的伤痛。理想在现实中衍化为向往，这是很痛苦的抉择，因为由理想到向往本身就是一种生命的蜕变。

In the process of pursuing my ideal, I have run into many obstacles. Although the lesson of failure didn't bring me down, the enthusiasm gradually decreased unconsciously. Ideal is like a fog, in the years of frost wind blow away, in the reality of the sun eliminate. It is not decadent, but it has irresistible depression; it is not numb, but it has irresistible fatigue. In the narrow space where I live, I can't help but slow down the pace of walking. In the confusion and hesitation, in the helpless hesitation, I step on the footpath that I have to walk. At that moment, it was like a grain of dust scattered in the vast air, like a drop of dew falling in the vast jungle. A strong sense of loss attacks the fragility of life and stirs the pain of soul. It is a very painful choice that ideal evolves into yearning in reality, because from ideal to yearning itself is a kind of life transformation.

我只能把向往定格在生命的遥远。

I can only set yearning in the distance of life.

如果说，理想是人生的目标，向往则是人生的信念。理想是一缸浓烈醉人的酒，向往则是一壶清香淡远的茶。理想轰轰烈烈，向往韵味悠长。而今，理想在我心目中的份量的确减轻了，有时轻得竟然没有了份量。纵酒狂诞，尽情欢娱，回过头来怅然若失，但懊悔不似当初，麻木多于省悟。有时不愿去多想，顺其自然的心境成为生活的主调。只有在深夜独自静坐时，心里隐约冒出些意念。壮志未酬是壮士的情怀，而理想不遂终究是一个普通人的遗憾。内心里仍然隐藏着难以泯灭的意愿，心灵深处始终飘扬着一张向往的风帆。理想淡化了，向往始终存在。那脱胎于理想的向往，是根植在生命内核中的一颗种子，只要有血液仍然在我的血管里流淌，只要我的生命存在，我的思想尚存，我的向往就不会死去。而且生命有多远，向往就会有多远。

If we say that ideal is the goal of life, yearning is the faith of life. The ideal is a strong and intoxicating wine, and the yearning is a pot of tea with faint fragrance. The ideal is vigorous, yearning for lasting charm. Now, the weight of ideals in my mind has indeed been reduced, sometimes it is too light to have any weight. Drink and have fun. Look back and feel lost, but regret is not like the beginning. Numbness is more than consciousness. Sometimes I don't want to think about it more, and my natural mood becomes the main tone of life. Only when I sit alone in the middle of the night, some thoughts appear in my heart. It's the feeling of a strong man to be unrewarded, but it's the regret of an ordinary man after all. There is still an indelible will in my heart, and a yearning sail is always flying in my heart. Ideals fade, yearning always exists. The yearning born from the ideal is a seed rooted in the core of life. As long as there is blood still flowing in my blood vessels, as long as my life exists and my thoughts remain, my yearning will not die. And how far life is, how far yearning will be.