不要告诉你的孩子说他们很有能力

In recent years, our parenting culture began to send the message that competence was important for building self-esteem and that parents needed to do everything they can to convince their children how competent they were. All very reasonable, to be sure. However, that same parenting culture made a big mistake by telling parents that the way to instill competence in their children was to tell them how competent they were. Parents bought into this message and starting telling their children how smart and talented and wonderful they were. But here's the problem. Children can't be convinced that they are competent.

近几年，我们的教养文化开始传达这样的信息：能力对树立自尊很重要，父母应该尽其所能使他们的孩子相信他们是多么有能力。可以肯定的是，所有的这些都很合理。然而，同样的教养文化通过给孩子们灌输他们是多么有能力的方式犯了个大错误。父母们输入了这样的信息，并且开始告诉他们的孩子他们是多么聪明，多么有天赋，多么棒。但是这里有一个问题，孩子们不能被说服相信他们是有能力的。

When parents try to convince their children of how competent they are, they often have the exact opposite effect. There is this little thing called reality that children have to confront on a daily basis; life has a way of sending messages about competence that can be in sharp contrast to the outsized messages of competence that parents send their children. When children are faced with the conflict between what their parents had told them about how good they are and what reality is telling them, the result is the bursting of the “You are the best” bubble that their parents blew up for them. The result: disappointment, hurt, and an actual loss of sense of competence. Let me be clear here: The only way for children to build a true sense of competence is through first-hand experience that includes travails, triumphs, struggles, setbacks, and successes.

当父母尽力去让孩子他们是多么有能力时，这往往会起到相反的效果。孩子们在日常中不得不面对一种叫做现实的东西。生活有一种传递能力信息的方式，这种方式和父母传递给孩子说他们有很强能力的信息形成鲜明对比。当孩子们面临这父母告诉他们的他们多么优秀和现实正告诉他们的这两者之间的冲突时，其结果就是摧毁了父母为他们放大的“你是最棒的”的泡沫。结果是失望、受伤和能力感觉的实际损失。这儿让我说清楚：为孩子建立真正意义上的能力唯一方式就是第一手的体验，包括艰辛、胜利、斗争、挫折和成功。

So, to reiterate, only your children can build their sense of competence. You can, however, do several things to encourage them to develop their own competence. First, you can give them opportunities in their daily lives to gain a sense of competence. Your family life is rife with situations that are just calling out for you to allow your children to “get their hands dirty” and find out what they are capable of, for example, dressing, eating, drawing, reading, cooking, chores, and interacting with others. Of course, they will gain additional competencies from their experiences in school, sports, the performing arts, and other extracurricular activities.

所以，重申一下，只有孩子自己可以建立他们的能力。然而，你可以做一些事情来鼓励他们发展自己的能力。首先，你可以在日常生活中给他们机会去获得能力。你的家庭生活充满了各种状况，这就是在呼唤你让你的孩子“弄脏自己的手，”然后找到他们的能力。例如：穿衣、吃饭、绘画、阅读、烹饪、家务、以及与他人交流。当然，他们也将从他们在学校里的经历中获得很多额外的能力，比如体育、演艺和其他的课外活动。

These daily experiences allow your children to develop specific competencies that will be helpful to them as they progress through childhood and into adulthood. Those early competencies lay the foundation for the development of more complex capabilities later in life related to higher education, career, and more sophisticated relationships.

这些日常经历能够让你的孩子发展具体的能力，当他们经历孩童到成年的过程，这些能力对他们很有帮助。这些早期的能力也为他们后期生活中涉及的更加复杂能力发展像高等教育、事业和其他复杂的关系的发展等奠定了基础。

Also, the more individual competencies children develop, the more they will view themselves as globally competent people which will give them confidence to explore their world, try new things, take risks, and persist in the face of obstacles and setbacks. In other words, competence begets competence.

另外，孩子们发展的个人能力越多，他们就越会认为自己是在全世界都是有能力的人，这将给他们探索世界的信心，尝试新事物，承担风险，并坚持面对障碍和挫折。换句话说，能力产生能力。

Second, you can be sure that they gain the most value from their experiences. You can direct their focus to the competencies that enabled those successes (e.g., “You were really focused and worked hard on that project.”) rather than some generic praise of the accomplishment itself (e.g., “Good job.!). And you can praise their accomplishments (e.g., “You must feel so good about your project.”).

第二点，你可以确定孩子们会从他们的经历中获得最大的价值。你可以引导他们集中于那些能使他们成功的能力（例如：“在那个项目上你真的很专注很努力”）而不是那些成就本身所通用的一致好评（例如：“做得好”）。你可以赞扬他们的成就（例如：“你对你的项目一定感觉很棒”）。

But you shouldn't just focus on the successes because, as every parent knows, as your children develop, they will experience far more failures than successes as they begin to gain competence. How you react often dictates how they will respond to those failures. If you show disappointment and frustration, they will judge their experience as negative and it may cause them to be reluctant to try again in the future. But if you are positive and supportive, your children will get the message that failure is okay and just a part of life.

但是你不应该只关注成功，因为每一位父母都知道，当孩子们发展时、获得能力时，相对于成功，他们更可能失败。你的反应往往决定了了他们将如何回应这些失败。如果你表现的失望或者沮丧，他们会判定自己的经历是消极的，这可能会导致他们不愿在未来再尝试一次。但是如果你是积极的支持的，你的孩子将会得到这样的信息：失败没什么，也是生活中的一部分。

A great difficulty for parents is allowing their children to be wrong or do something poorly in the mistaken belief that these experiences will hurt their sense of competence and scar their little psyches. But children, like everyone else, will likely fail the first few times they try anything new. Plus, they're little kids, so you wouldn't expect them to do much of anything very well at first. Whether they do it well isn't important because success isn't really the goal. Instead, the goal is their willingness to keep trying. And you can have faith that if your children continue to try at something, they will, sooner or later, achieve some degree of competence and success.

对父母来说，一个很大的困难就是允许孩子犯错，允许做一些不好的事情并且错误地认为这些经历将会损伤他们的能力，给他们的小心灵留下创伤。但是和其他人一样，孩子们在尝试新事物的前几次里可能会失败。另外，他们是小孩子，你不能指望他们第一次都会把事情做得很好。他们能否做好不重要，因为成功不是真正的目的。相反的，我们的目的是他们愿意持续尝试。你可以坚信：如果你的孩子可以继续尝试新事物，他们迟早会达到某种程度上的能力和成功。

Another mistake that parents make is that, after being unsuccessful when their children first try something, they try to correct them so they will succeed the next time they try (otherwise, many parents think, their children will get further scarred from the repeated failures). But put yourself in your children's shoes. How would you feel if you tried really hard at something and your parents jumped right in to show you that you did it the wrong way and here's how to do it the right way? Wouldn’t it irritate the heck out of you? Well, that's how your children probably feel. And what message are you sending with your rapid-fire intervention? That you don't believe your children are competent enough to figure it out on their own. You may ask, but how are they going to learn to do it the right way? I assure you that they will most likely figure it out themselves over time, through practice or observation. When they do finally get it, they will own it and will make a big deposit in their competence “bank.” That's not to say that you can't lend a hand when they are struggling. But let them take the lead; if they really want your help, they'll ask for it.

父母会犯的另外一个错误是，当孩子们第一次尝试一些事情失败后，他们尽力去纠正孩子，所以下一次他们尝试的时候会取得成功。（否则，许多父母认为，他们的孩子将从不断重复的失败中得到更大的创伤）。但是你应该把自己放在孩子的位置。如果你在某件事情上很努力，然而你的父母跳着告诉你你做错了，并告诉你用正确的方法该怎么做，你感觉如何？这会不会刺激你的挫折感？其实，那可能就是你孩子的感受。你快速发送和干预的信息是什么呢？你不相信你的孩子有足够的能力去解决自己的事情。你可能会问：他们要怎么学会用正确的方法去做呢？我向你保证，他们将最有可能随着时间的推移通过实践和观察去弄明白自己。当他们最终得到它，他们就会拥有它并且会在他们的能力“银行”有一大笔存款。这并不是说当孩子们在苦苦挣扎的时候你们不能伸出援手，而是应该让他们先带头，如果他们真的需要你的帮助，他们会开口的。