关于婚姻 我想对女儿说的十件事

I have two daughters. Norah is 4 and Aspen is just 3 months. Their lives look very different than mine did as a child. My father left when I was a 9 years old. I was raised half by my single mother, and half by my widowed grandmother. When I got married, I didn’t know much about what it meant to be in a good marriage and I had to learn a lot of things through trial and error.

Even at their young age, I think a lot about my daughters’ future and whether I’m setting a better example than the one I had. Below is a list of things I’ve learned about marriage that I’d like them to know.

(Author’s Note: I know that views on marriage are changing. This list is based on my own experience in a straight marriage because it’s all I know.)

Don’t let your husband pressure you into sex: Most likely your husband will want sex more than you expect. Don’t let your husband pressure you into things you are not comfortable with. Talk openly about sex with him. Discuss your expectations and try hard to understand his. Although sex is important, be sure that you both realize that it is only one part of your marriage, it isn’t the whole marriage.

Don’t lower your expectations of your husband after marriage. Raise them: After marriage, it’s easy to get comfortable. I’ve never understood why this happens, because marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s easy to let things slide after marriage. To expect fewer dates, fewer flowers, fewer love letters. Don’t. In fact, expect more and you will get it. And do the same for him. Once you have children, those little trinkets of affection may be the only things that keep your marriage above water.

Tell him what you want as frankly, and plainly as possible: I know this sounds cliché, but men and women communicate differently. Most men speak plainly. They like the obvious to be spelled out. Rather than hoping that he will pick up on your hints, say things like, “Take me out more,” or “Don’t give me an answer, just listen to me for a while because I need to vent,” or “I’m really frustrated with the kids. It’s not you. Just let me be alone for a while and I will be fine.”

Sometimes the house will be a mess and it’s his fault, too: When I say sometimes, I mean most of the time. Especially after you have kids. He has as much of an obligation to clean the house as you do, so tell him to stop complaining and do the laundry.

Sometimes it will feel like he’s stomping on your feelings, when in fact he’s just wandering blindly: Your husband is going to forget to do things. A lot of things. He’s going to say stupid things, too. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Realize that most likely his actions or statements were not malicious. He didn’t intend to hurt you or not do something on purpose.

Don’t allow him to tell you your place or define your aspirations: When you get married, you may want to be a stay-at-home mom. Five years into marriage, you my decide you want to become a lawyer. Or perhaps when you get married you may be a lawyer, and five years in you might decide you want to become a stay-at-home mom. Your husband will most likely do something similar with his life goals. A successful marriage is one where both partners expect and support positive change.

Your husband is your partner, not your master: Never forget that you are equals.

Expect him to change with age (both physically and emotionally): Most likely your husband will get a little fatter over the years. He will grow more mature. He will go a little gray and a little bald. You will change, too. But at the same time, he will become different emotionally and intellectually. He will grow more mature. So much of a successful marriage is accepting and understanding change within your partner. As long as those changes are natural and positive, let them happen.

Don’t be afraid to frustrate your husband: This is a good thing. Keep him on his toes. Questioning his motivations and his sincerity will ultimately make him more aware of his actions.

Expect him to get up in the night with the kids: If your kids take after you, you are going to have some long nights. He will have a lot of excuses as to why he can’t get up. He works in the morning, and he doesn’t want to be tired at work because it’s going to make his job harder. You know what, you have to work, too. You might have a job outside the house, or you might be a stay at home mom. It doesn’t matter. You have stuff to do, same as him, so expect him to help. Marriage is a partnership. Never forget that.

Clint Edwards is the author of No Idea what I’m Doing: a daddy blog. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. (A version of this essay first appeared on his blog.)

我有两个女儿：4岁的诺拉和才3个月大的阿斯彭。她们的童年生活和我的很不一样。九岁那年，我父亲离我而去。我是由单亲妈妈和寡居的外祖母一起抚养长大的。当我结婚时，我不大清楚美满的婚姻意味着什么。但一路摸爬滚打走过来，我从中学会了许多。

虽然她们现在还小，但是关于她们的未来，以及相比我所经历的，我是否给她们树立了好的榜样？对此我想了很多。以下列出的几点是我从自己的婚姻中感悟出的，我想告诉她们。

（作者补注：对婚姻的看法一直都在变化。以下几点仅是根据我个人的经验，因为这是关于婚姻我所知道的全部。）

不要因为你的丈夫而被迫爱爱：很有可能，你丈夫的需求超过了你的需要。但不要因为丈夫而被迫去做让你觉得不舒服的事。同你的丈夫坦诚交流性爱。告诉他你的期望，同时也尽力理解他的。虽然性爱非常重要，但确保你们夫妻双方都明白，这仅是部分，而非婚姻的全部。

婚后不要降低你对丈夫的期望，提高期望值。婚后，彼此很容易就懈怠了，对婚姻也是听之任之。约会少了，鲜花少了，情书也少了。对此，我一直无法理解，因为经营婚姻是最困难的事情。不要这样。事实上，如果你期待更多，得到的也更多。对你丈夫，也是如此。一旦你有了孩子，也许那些爱的小玩意正是维持你婚姻的关键。

想要什么，尽可能坦率地告诉你的丈夫。听上去好像又是陈词滥调，但是男女沟通方式不一样。男人大都直截了当，不喜拐弯抹角。不要让他们猜你的言外之意，类似于“带我出去。”、“不要告诉我答案，只要听我说一会话，因为我想要发泄一下。”、“我真拿这帮孩子没辙。不是你的问题。让我安静独处一会，然后我就会没事了”等等。

有时，房间会杂乱不堪，这也是他的错。我说有时，我其实是说大多数时候。尤其是你有孩子后，他同你一样都有责任收拾房子，所以告诉他停止抱怨，洗衣服去。

有时候，你会觉得他在践踏你的感受，但事实上，他有可能只是迷糊盲目却不自知而已。你丈夫将常常忘记要做的事。他也将会说些蠢话。请给与他最大的谅解。意识到他的所言所行通常并无恶意。他并非故意伤害你或故意不去做事情。

不要让你的丈夫告诉你什么是你的自我定位和个人愿望。当你结婚时，也许你想当个全职妈妈。婚后5年，也许你决定成为一名律师。或者当你结婚时，你想当一名律师，但5年之后，你想做一个全职妈妈。你的丈夫也极有可能为了他的人生目标而做类似的事情。一段成功的婚姻是夫妻两都期待并支持积极的改变。

你是丈夫是你的爱人，不是你的主人。永远不要忘记你们是平等的。

无论是生理还是心理上，期待他随着年龄的增长会有相应改变。几年后，你丈夫很有可能会变胖。他的头发会变白，也会开始谢顶。你也会发生改变。但是与此同时，他的情商智商也会不同了。他会更加成熟稳重。所以一段成功的婚姻也是不断接受和理解彼此的变化。只要是所有的变化都是自然且积极的，就让一切都顺其自然。

别怕打击你的丈夫。这是好事。因为可以让他保持警觉。怀疑他的动机和真诚可以帮助他对个人行为更有意识。

希望他可以在夜里起床照看孩子。如果你的孩子和你很像，你将有许多的不眠之夜。他将会有各种理由解释为什么他起不了床。他早上得上班，他不想劳累着去工作，因为这会增加他的工作难度。你知道吗？你也有活干。你可能有份正式工作，或者你是个全职妈妈。这都无所谓。因为你和他一样都有事情对待完成，所以希望他也能帮忙。婚姻是相互扶持。永远不要忘记这一点。

克林特·爱德华兹是《不知道我在做什么：一位父亲的微博》的作者。他现居俄勒冈州。