婚姻亮红灯时你犯傻了吗？情感专家非常规作战保卫爱情

When a couple's marriage is on the rocks, they typically seek advice from friends, family and marriage counselors. After all, what better way to save a failing union than to call on the experts?

当婚姻亮起了红灯，夫妻一般会从朋友、家人或是婚姻顾问哪里寻求援助。情感专家也许能给大家支招，帮助问题夫妻们破镜重圆。

According to relationship expert Mort Fertel, that's precisely the wrong thing to do.“Much of the advice people get about their marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is, it usually doesn’t work,” Fertel said “Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky. The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice you’re following has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for.”

根据情感专家莫特.菲尔特渥的经验，在处理婚姻问题的时候有很多误区。“在处理夫妻婚姻问题的时候有许多错误的建议。这些建议看来是很好的，似乎合情合理。然而问题在于这些建议往往没有用。” 莫特.菲尔特渥表示“为夫妻提供情感帮助是一件复杂的事，你必须很小心，不能单凭直觉去帮助他们解决问题，必须确保你给他们的建议是已经被验证过行得通的。”

Among the worst advice? Telling your husband or wife how you really feel.

最糟糕的婚姻问题情感建议是什么？就是告诉你太太或你先生你最真实的感受。

"Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person," he says. "[People ask,] 'But shouldn’t I be honest about my feelings?' If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship."

有人提问：“有时候告诉对方你真实的感受是很伤人的，但是我难道不该坦诚地说出我的真实感受吗？”那么情感专家告诉你，“如果你的真实感受会伤害到他她，那么你说出来是愚蠢至极，非常欠考虑的。这样只会让你们的关系更加糟糕。”

What's more, Fertel says that traditional approaches to mending a broken marriage -- like marriage counseling -- are ineffective because of their emphasis on listening, rather than doing. He cites a couple that attended counseling sessions for weeks, and who came out of the experience with a better understanding of each spouse's point of view -- but no actionable steps to fix their marriage.

更重要的是“传统婚姻情感解决方法，如婚姻顾问更侧重于倾听，在实际作为上却做得很少。这往往解决不了问题。” 菲尔特渥先生说道。他引用了一对夫妻的案例，在双方经过情感顾问调解达几周以后，双方达成的共识是能够更理解对方,然而对于修补他们的婚姻并没有起到实质性的帮助。

"Listening is an important skill, both for a counselor and a spouse. But a broken marriage needs leadership. After listening, someone has to have the courage and experience to say, “Ok, here’s what I want you to do,” Fertel says. "Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen; marriages change because of what people do."

学会倾听对于婚姻顾问和夫妻来说是很重要的，然而当婚姻出现了问题，真真需要的是有人出来做点什么。在听完倾诉以后需要有人有勇气站出来说“这是我需要你们做到的...." 菲尔特渥先生补充道“让问题婚姻出现转机不是靠夫妻倾诉以及倾听可以办到的，这个转机必须要靠实际行动来实现。”

What he suggests instead are six unconventional steps that run counter to traditional relationship advice.

菲尔特渥先生提出了六条非常规的建议：

go it alone

自己解决问题

Most people think, 'I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.' But it does not take two to tango. One person's effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it's that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship.

很多人以为“婚姻一旦有问题必须夫妻俩共同解决问题”其实问题不需要两人一起解决，一个人的力量也能让你们的婚姻出现转机。当你做出了努力，你的另一半也会受到鼓励，加入到挽救你们婚姻关系的行列。

Stop asking yourself the wrong question

别再问自己那些傻问题

Many people wonder, 'Did I marry the right person?' But that's the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe -- like gravity, which governs flight -- there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don't have to be 'lucky in love.' It's not luck; it's choice.

一旦婚姻亮红灯，许多人就开始问自己“我是不是找错了人？”这个问题绝对错误。婚姻成功与否不在纠结于你是否找对了人，而在于珍惜身边人。爱情不是什么神秘的事，和宇宙万物一样必须遵循自然规律。飞机飞行要遵循地心引力，夫妻关系也有规律可循，你的行为决定了你的婚姻质量。不要相信“爱是运气”这跟运气无关，跟你自己的选择如何对待息息相关。

Know that absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

玩消失不会让你们的心走的更近

That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, and that's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve, which is closeness.

距离产生美？也许高中时代的情侣分开一个暑假后真能有个感情升华。然而结婚后的你们，特别是婚姻又亮起红灯的时候，千万不要以为在对方面前消失一下可以挽救你们的婚姻，这只会让你们越来越生疏，远走远远。

Don't talk about your problems.

不要咬着你们的问题不放

Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn't resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you'll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems; discussions don't.

每次都咬着你们间的问题说啊说，本以为可以解决问题，其实呢，只能搞得更糟糕，结果就是吵架负气。另外，在谈论你们之间的问题的时候你永远都觉得自己有理。婚姻中的变数很多是因为人的变化。所以呢，少说多做。说也只说你会为挽救你们的婚姻关系怎么去做，行动可以拯救婚姻，光凭嘴巴说是解决不了问题的。

Don't think marriage counseling is the answer

婚姻顾问不是你们的救命稻草

Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. They talked and talked, but never received tangible practical advice that was simple to understand and easy to implement.

婚姻顾问在很多时候都是不管用的。成功案例少之又少。很多夫妻在接受婚姻顾问帮助以后关系更差。在婚姻顾问的引导下，夫妻两各自倾诉，然而到最后也找不到一条可行的方法去解决问题

Don't talk to family or friends about your situation.

不要向家人或朋友谈论你的婚姻问题

One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it's a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It's a violation of your spouse's privacy and it's wrong.

在婚姻中有一点很重要，就是你们的隐私，所以不要向你的家人以及朋友谈及你和你爱人之间的问题。如果你这样做等于不尊重你爱人的隐私，这可是大错特错。