异性男女做不到“只是朋友”

Can and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side.

异性恋的男女可以做到“只是朋友”吗？没有别的问题可以像这个问题一样引出热烈的讨论了：像家宴一样尴尬，像文学一样动人，像电影一样难忘。而这个问题依然没有得到解答。日常经验表明，男女之间不带浪漫色彩的纯友谊关系不仅可能，而且十分普遍——男女可以一起生活、工作、并肩玩乐。

However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade. New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.

然而，这种柏拉图式的共处可能只是表面现象。新的研究显示，虽然这种可能性也许是有事实依据的：我们可能认为自己有能力和异性“只做朋友”，然而“浪漫”的机会（或者说感觉到的机会）通常就藏在某个角落，等待一个最不凑巧的时刻迸发。

In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships, researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into a science lab. Privacy was paramount—for example, imagine the fallout if two friends learned that one—and only one—had unspoken romantic feelings for the other throughout their relationship.

为了调查单纯的柏拉图式异性友谊的可行性，研究人员将88对异性大学生朋友带入了一间实验室。隐私是最重要的。比如说想象一下，假设两个朋友发现其中一人（单方面）在两人的关系中对另一个人有还没说出口的浪漫感觉，那会很尴尬。

In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.

为了确保得到真实的反馈，研究人员不仅遵循匿名和保密的标准协议，而且要求每一对朋友都同意在对方面前不要讨论这项研究，哪怕在他们结束试验后也不行。之后这些朋友被分开，每一对朋友都分别被询问一系列关于他/她对另一人的浪漫感觉（或者没有感觉）的问题。

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief.

结果表明，男女对待异性友谊的感受存在巨大的性别差异。和女性相比，男性更容易被异性朋友所吸引，也更容易认为异性朋友被自己所吸引——这显然是自我感觉良好。

In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends.

事实上，男性对于自己对女性朋友的吸引程度的估计和这些女性的真实感受完全无关，几乎都是这些男性自己的感觉——基本上来说，男性总是假设他们感受到的浪漫吸引是相互的，而对于他们的女性朋友对自己到底有多少浪漫的兴趣视而不见。

Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

而女性往往也不明白她们异性朋友的心态；因为一般来说女性不会被男性朋友所吸引，她们也假设男性朋友不会被自己所吸引。结果就是，男性始终高估了自己对女性朋友的吸引力，而女性又一直低估了自己对男性朋友的吸引力。

Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners. Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

男性还更愿意让这种错觉下的相互吸引继续下去。不管对方是正在恋爱中还是单身，男女都会被这些异性朋友所吸引；不论他们的感情状态如何，有吸引力的朋友就是有吸引力，没有的就是没有。然而，在何种程度上会把朋友视为潜在的浪漫对象，男女也存在差别。无论是对于已经有另一半的朋友还是单身的朋友，男性都同样希望和她们有“浪漫的约会”，而女性对于她们男性朋友的感情状态比较敏感，她们没有兴趣和那些已经有另一半的男性继续下去。

These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships. This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.

这些结果说明，相比较女性而言，男性更难做到“只是朋友”。而这些结果是在特定的友谊中得出的，这让调查结果更有意思。这不仅证实了大家对于充满性渴望的男性和天真单纯的女性的固有印象，还直接证明了同一段关系中的两个人可以有着完全不同的感觉。在一段应该是柏拉图式的异性友谊中，男性似乎看到了无数的浪漫可能，而女性的视角则完全不同——就是单纯的柏拉图式关系。

To the outside observer, it seems clear that these vastly different views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause serious complications—and people within opposite-sex relationships agree. In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones.

在局外人看来，很显然，由于男女对于异性友谊中潜在浪漫的看法存在巨大差异，这会带来极大的麻烦，有异性朋友的人们也同意这一点。在一项后续调查中，249个成年人（其中很多人已婚）被要求列出和某位异性交朋友的正面和负面因素。把“浪漫吸引” 列为负面因素的人是将其列为正面因素的5倍。

However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

然而，在这个问题上男女依然存在区别。男性比女性更容易将浪漫吸引列为异性友谊的好处，而且这种差异随着男性年龄的增长会扩大。在这项调查中年轻的男性将浪漫吸引列为异性友谊好处的倾向是女性的4倍，而在更年长的男性那里，这个数字是10倍。

Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

综上所述，这些调查说明男女对于“只做朋友”的含义的理解大有不同——而这种差异可能导致麻烦。尽管女性似乎真的相信异性友谊可以是柏拉图式的，男性似乎难以控制产生更多的欲望。不过男女基本都同意，单纯朋友之间的吸引带来的消极因素多于积极因素，女性比男性更容易持有这种观点。

So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly. But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.

那么，男女到底可不可能“只是朋友”呢？如果我们都像女性一样考虑，答案几乎是肯定的。但是如果我们都像男性一样思考，我们恐怕要面对严重的人口过剩危机了。