老外在中国：养蛙是一种怎样的体验

最近我晋升成了一位“父亲”，而我得坦白：我不确定是否真的喜欢自己的“儿子”。他一出生就是青少年，性格闷闷不乐、沉默寡言；对什么都很冷淡；无故消失几天，还没有任何解释或道歉，这对于任何父母来说都是噩梦般的经历。

I recently became a father, and I have a confession to make: I'm not sure I like my son very much.

最近我晋升成了一位“父亲”，而我得坦白：我不确定是否真的喜欢自己的“儿子”。 

First of all, he was born a teenager, which is a hellish experience for any parent. The sullen silences. The indifference. The disappearing for days on end with not a word of explanation or apology.

首先，他生下来就是青少年了，他闷闷不乐、沉默寡言；对什么都很冷淡；无故消失几天，还没有任何解释或道歉，这对于任何父母来说都是噩梦般的经历。

I hear myself turning into my own father, shouting: “You treat this place like a hotel!” Which is fine if you're on your own, but in public? Not so much. Especially when you're yelling it at a phone screen. People on the subway tend to back away ...

我发现我如父亲对我那般，冲他大吼：“你把这个地方当成旅馆了吗！”如果当时周围没有其他人，这样也没什么，但是如果是在公共场合呢？那就不太好了。尤其是当你面对手机屏幕大喊大叫的时候，地铁里的人往往会退避三舍……

All he does is take. I spend every clover leaf I have on food and gifts, and place them lovingly in his backpack as he prepares for another one of his vanishing acts and what do I get in return? Zero. Nada. Not so much as a “thank you” or “see you later”.

他只是一味地索取。当他准备再次消失的时候，我所能做的只是花光所有的“三叶草”为他准备食品和礼物，再满怀爱意地将它们放入他的背包，而我又能得到什么回报呢？没有，什么都没有。连一声“谢谢”和“再见”都没有。

And I'm also worried he might have fallen in with a bad crowd. There's a little mouse chick he hangs around with sometimes. Occasionally, when he can be bothered, he sends me postcards of them together, traipsing around temples or hot springs, on my dime.

我还担心他可能会跟人学坏。他有时候会和一只老鼠小妞厮混。偶尔，当他愿意费心时，他会给我寄他和那只老鼠的明信片，上面是他们在寺庙或温泉漫步的照片，用我的钱。

But I'm guessing they must argue a lot because she often refuses to travel with him, judging by the number of times he's alone in the pictures.

不过从照片中他独自一人的次数可以看出，老鼠经常拒绝和他一起旅行，所以我猜他们一定经常吵架。

But the one I really don't trust is a butterfly. That one is a total gold-digger, leading him astray with her fancy wings. He doesn't see her very often, probably because she's off with one of her other, richer boys.

但是我真正不信任的还是那只蝴蝶。她就是个十足的拜金女，用她华丽的翅膀迷惑他，将他引入歧途。他很少能见到她，可能是因为她和其他更有钱的男孩走了。

I've tried to warn him about her, that she's using him for his clover leafs, but he ignores me, as usual. He just slumps at the table, eating the food I've made him or sharpening a pencil that looks suspiciously like a knife, but I try not to think about that.

我试着警告过他，这只蝴蝶只是想要他的“三叶草”罢了，可是他和往常一样，无视我。他只是趴在桌子上，吃着我给他做的食物，或者削着铅笔。那支铅笔被他削得锋利的像一把刀，但我试着控制自己不要胡思乱想。

And don't get me started on the snail kid or that bumblebee. What a couple of freeloaders! They show up at the front door at all hours, completely unannounced, and I'm supposed to feed them like it's no big deal.

更别提那蜗牛小子和蜜蜂了。他们就是来吃白食的！总是毫无预兆地出现在我家门口，让我给他们喂食，好像这是理所应当的。

"What about your parents, what's going on with you two?" I ask them. But they're as bad as my son. No answers.

我问他们：“你们的父母呢？你们俩怎么了？”但是他们就和我“儿子”一样冷淡，没有任何回应。

I've asked other parents about this and they report similar incidents of insolence. Apparently there is also a turtle who's a major culprit but I haven't met him yet.

我也问过其他父母这件事，他们反映也遇到了这样的情况。似乎还有一只乌龟，他才是罪魁祸首，但是我还没见过他。

On the plus side, my son is quite creative. He's always at his desk, writing. I have no idea what, of course, he never lets me read anything.

但是我“儿子”也有好的一面，他非常有创造力。他总是趴在桌子上写东西。当然，我并不知道他在写什么，他从不给我看。

There's always the possibility that I'm just jealous. My son has a far better social life than I do. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Because my son doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

其实我可能只是在嫉妒我“儿子”。因为他的社交生活比我丰富多了。可能我才是那个有问题的人，我的儿子似乎活得无忧无虑。

音频编辑：焦洁

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About the author & broadcaster

Graeme Elder was born in Scotland and after studying journalism in Glasgow has worked in newspapers in various parts of the world for more years than he cares to think about. He spends most of his spare time trying to finish writing a series of novels for teenagers and worrying about the Juventus midfield. He apologizes for the beard.