名师点拨雅思习作修改、评分建议及改进策略

　　题目：It seems that with the increase in use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people prefer to write letters. Will letters disappear completely?

　　审题：本文可以看作是agree or disagree 类文章，要求考生能在开头段表明自己的立场。探讨的两个主题是：信件 VS手机电脑。

　　这篇习作的学生的写作框架是3773，观点是信不会被取代，中间写两段，第一段探讨手机电脑的两个好处，第二段探讨信的四个好处，最后总结信的优点多，继续推行。

　　开头段：

　　Mobile phones and E-mails are increasingly playing 1pivital roles in our daily life in this day and age. Yet at the same time, whether 2letter will disappear has sparked heated debate. As far as I am concerned, 3it is impossible for letters to be replaced。

　　点评：首段格式清楚，略微有模板的印记，但是有拼写错误，语法错误。会让考官觉得是6分或以下的水平。

　　修改：

　　1 pivotal 其他重要：essential, indispensable, vital

　　2 Yet at the same time, whether letters will be replaced by phones and emails has sparked heated debate

　　3 原文impossible太过绝对。Hardly will letters fade out。

　　中间第一段：

　　On the one hand, it is arguable that those high-technology products can bring about numerous benefits。

　　点评：总体句写的不错。 Numerous稍显夸张。

　　To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller。

　　点评：

　　1 两个名词短语之间要有连接词，比如and。

　　2 整个句子表达很中式，不地道。

　　修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers。

　　More specifically, they are faster than regular mails。

　　点评：论证和论点没有关系啊，这个论据是说明效率高，而不是在论证手机让世界变得近。

　　修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds。

　　Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter。

　　点评：这一段的论述主题是电话电脑的优点，建议不要绕着写信的缺点。

　　修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters。

　　Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals。

　　问题：

　　1 hence 是副词，不能连接两个完整的句子。建议把hence前面的逗号改成句号。

　　2 letter 是可数名词，改成letters 或者a letter。

　　3论点和论证之间的关系不是非常紧密。观点是电话省时，论证说大家工作压力大，略显晦涩了。比较可行的论证是用对比法，体现出写信花时间长，打电话email时间短。

　　修改：

　　In this competitive society, it is no exaggeration that time equals money. It is hard to imagine spending two days writing a letter, one day sending a letter, and more days receiving a letter. In contrast, phones and emails hardly fail to convey ideas clearly and efficiently。

　　内部总结：问题很典型，词汇不过关，语法有问题，论证存在跳跃性思维。

　　中间第二段：

　　On the other hand, 1colorful augment can be made that letters can 2 sprawn even greater benefits on individuals。

　　点评：

　　1 argument可数名词，colorful和argument的搭配很怪异。

　　修改：On the other hand, counter arguments can be made that

　　2 sprawn 没有这个单词存在。

　　修改：Letters can bring more benefits rather than drawbacks to the general public。

　　Fristly, writing letter is 1more cheaper than mobile phones。

　　点评：1形容词比较级用法错误 much cheaper 。

　　Undeniably，the expenses of 1we spend on mobile phones are to be unaffordable。

　　点评：1of后面缺宾语，没有连词的句子无法充当宾语。

　　2 你的观点是写信便宜，论证是写信费用高的无法接受，这个首先是太绝对，其次是没有说服力，得给出细节才行。

　　修改：

　　It is well known that sending a letter to a friend in other cities take no more than 1 yuan in China. In contrast, an inter-city call charges you more than 3-5 yuan。

　　Besides, kepping in touch with our relatives with mobile phones or E-mails can only 1lull us into a false sence of intimacy. 2On the contrast, letters can convey our feelings more effectively。

　　点评：1 属于考官不能看懂的句子。

　　2 用词错误，on the contrary或者in contrast。

　　Secondly,it will 2do good to people if they write letters. Both their brain and thinking 3mdules can benefit from it. It is obvious that people can develop their logic ,language ability and interpersonnal skills during the procedure of writing。

　　点评：

　　1 不是第二点了，换成其次furthermore, moreover, in addition。

　　2 观点说写信对人好，很明显，太笼统，没有针对性。

　　修改：Letters can keep our writing skills fresh。

　　3 拼写错误。

　　4 论证的整体思路还是不错的，只是语言表达还是不够清晰。

　　修改：When writing a real letter, people tend to weigh their words carefully by focusing on the punctuation, spelling and note of words. Moreover, they place great emphasis on the organization, appropriateness and register of a letter. Unfortunately, on the contrary, ordinary people incline to think of phones, together with emails, as an oral means of information transmission, hardly using writing skills when having calls or writing emails. That is the reason why dialogs through the phone or on-line emails are packed with countless mistakes。

　　Last but not least, 1emperical evidence abounds 2that many serious 3illness such as allergy can be linked to the 4radication of mobile phones and computers。

　　点评：

　　1 没有这个单词。

　　2 that引导同位语从句，写的不错的。

　　3 illness是疾病的统称，一般是不可数名词， 可以换成diseases。同时many这个词一般用于否定表示很多，建议换成a host of, a great many等等。

　　4 这一段是写信的优点，所以建议观点围绕letter开展。

　　修改：Finally, letters prove to be a healthier means of information interchange。

　　Obviously, the proliferation of mobile phones and computers pose a 1grave threat to peoples health, 2as a result of it,many people are more likely to writer letters instead of using mobile phones or E-mails。

　　问题：

　　1 拼写错误。

　　2as a result是副词，等同于therefore, 不能连接两个完整的句子。

　　3论证还是略显空洞。可以配搭实验法或例子。

　　修改：Statistics from a variety of scientific research have revealed that overexposure to radiation of mobile phones and computer may impair ones skin and eyesight。

　　Moreover, a real-life example can be taken to prove the point. Qiulin, a very famous DJ in Shanghai told the public in the mid of 2009 that she was infected with brain tumors due to cell-phone radiation and recommended the public to avoid making phones when they are charging or before they are running out。

　　结尾段

　　To sum up, I would concede that letters are more time-consuming. 1Despite that,the benefits of letters far outweigh its disadvantages. Overall,I am convinced that letters would 2never be replaced,and children should be encouraged to learn to write letters。

　　问题：

　　1 第一句话和第二句话之间没有转折关系，怎么用despite。估计学生是想写To sum up, I would concede that emails and phones are more time-consuming. Despite that

　　2 never 措辞太绝对。写作时一定要避免绝对化用词，因为容易被critical的英国人找到漏洞。

　　修改：

　　To sum up, despite possible benefits brought by modern technology, the benefits of letters, personally speaking, far outweigh their drawbacks. In that case, its strongly recommended to perpetuate the use of letters. 　　

　　评分：

　　接下来就考生的情况做一个大致评分，仅供参考。

　　内容：探讨了两方各自的优点，基本达到要求 6分

　　连贯性：观点和论证之间关系不紧密；语言比较绝对；逻辑关系不够清楚 5分

　　词汇：拼写错误，用法错误不断 5分

　　语法：语法基本过关， 不过句式表达还是比较生硬 6分

　　总分：5.5分

　　应对策略

　　词汇：

　　1养成习惯看词的英文解释，推荐词典：科林斯。

　　2 多积累常用搭配