你懂得赞扬别人吗（1）

I’m a praise junkie. I really, really need those gold stars. I know I’ve got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is “Don’t expect praise or appreciation.” I think about that resolution every day. But boy, it’s hard to keep.

我这个人对表扬上瘾。我真地非常想得到那些金五星。我知道我得改掉这个“毛病”。我最重要的快乐决议之一就是“不要期待表扬或欣赏”。我每天都想着这条决议。但是，这真难做到啊。

For example, we just went through a major household project – and I mean MAJOR – that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn’t muster it.

打个比方，我们刚刚通过一项重大的家庭决议——的确重大——它耗费了我大量的时间和精力。我承认我是极其没有风度地完成这决议的。我努力过，但是不论多么努力，我终究还是有失风度。

As I’ve done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn’t.

我曾经这么干过，我祈求大男人用表扬来利用我！我鼓励他用赞扬来忽悠我，让我兴致高昂地从事这项工作！但是他不肯这么做。

I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise, not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I’ve done a job well and not depend on someone else’s opinion.

我知道快乐之道在于不要太渴求表扬，不需要别人拍拍你的肩。我知道这点。我自己应该成为自身满足感、快乐感的源头；我应该明白自己已经做得很好了，而不需依赖别人的看法。

I’m sure that one reason that I went to law school was because it was clear to me what I would need to do to win praise. I wrote my papers, I got my note published, I became editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. These were big gold stars, and they were precious to me.

我确信我去学法律的理由之一是我得为赢得表扬做点什么，这一点对我来说再明确不过了。我写论文，出版笔记，我成为《耶鲁法律期刊》的首席编辑，我为奥康纳法官办事。这些都是大大的金色星星，它们对我来说很珍贵。

So I give myself an enormous gold star for putting those law-related gold stars aside to start over again as a writer. I love my work, and that’s hugely satisfying. But I still crave praise – and because the closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won’t give it to me，which he doesn’t. Yes, I know that’s not his job, and that I shouldn’t depend on him for it. Like I said, I’m working on not needing it.

所以当我将和法律有关的金色星星放在一旁，开始作家生涯时我给自己颁了一个巨大的金色星星。我热爱自己的工作，它带给我极大的满足感。但我还是渴求得到表扬——因为最亲密、最简单的来源是大男人，所以他不夸奖我时我感到很沮丧。他的确没有。是的，我知道这不是必须做的，也知道我不应该依靠他来得到表扬。正如我说过的，我正为此而努力。

Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn’t feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships -- friendship, work, romance, family. It’s nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise -- even people more mature than I.

最近，当我对于大男人没能满足我“表扬瘾”怒气冲冲之时，想出了下面的建议。它们适用于所有的关系——朋友、同事、恋人、家人。能恰当地赞美别人是一件佳事；即便对于比我成熟的人来说，收到真诚的赞美也意义重大。

1. Be specific. 要具体。 You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it’s specific than when it’s general. “What a beautiful painting!” is less gratifying than “Look at all the colors you’ve used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You’ve really made your picture look like a spring garden!” This is true, for adults, too. “Great job,” is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.

在许多家长建议中都能读到这一点：具体的表扬比泛泛的赞美更好。说“多漂亮的一幅画”远没有“看，你用到的颜色！在手指画中你用到了所有的手指。你这幅画看上去就像一座春天的花园”这句话令人满足。对于成年人来说也一样。“干得好”就比列举出到底哪件事做得好效果差得多。

2. Acknowledge the actor. 表扬时要特别答谢行动者。The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he’s talking about. For example, with this household project, he looked around once and remarked, “This really turned out well.” As if some deus ex machina had wrought these changes overnight. Aaargh.

大男人有一个习惯：说一些赞美的话而不承认这些和我有什么关系。比如这次家庭计划，他有一次四周看了看，然后说：“这真算圆满成功”。就好像某神灵下凡，一夜之间带来了这些变化。唉。