我总觉得自己活不到40岁

I never planned on seeing 40

我总觉得自己活不到40岁

I was sitting in my car on Monday, waiting outside of the building where my next meeting was scheduled to soon begin, scrolling through my Twitter feed, reading tweets about articles and laughing. My laughter stopped when I saw that NFL wide receiver Charles Rogers had died. The former Detroit Lion — the second overall pick in the 2003 draft — was only 38. Now that I'm well into my thirties, 38 seems so young. But if I'm honest, for much of my life, 38 seemed impossibly out of reach. At one time, my friends and I never planned on seeing 40.

周一，将车停在一栋大楼外面后，我坐在车里，浏览着推特上的推文大笑，等着即将到来的会议。当我看到全美橄榄球联盟的明星接球手查尔斯·罗杰斯（Charles Rogers）去世的资讯时，我再也笑不出来了。先前，他以第二顺位被底特律雄狮队选中，却仅享年38岁。现在，我已经30多岁了，38岁似乎还正是年轻的时候。但说实话，我总觉得38岁遥不可及。曾几何时，我和我的朋友都认为我们见不到40岁的太阳。

I remembered watching Rogers play for Michigan State back when I was really into football. Not because I loved the game. I loved to gamble, and the gambler in me knew the dude was an amazing talent: super fast with good hands. And like many black athletes with pro potential, he came from a rough neighborhood: Saginaw, Michigan, a place where sports is treated like a way out. Rodgers played two years in the NFL before injuries and drug use — he became addicted to painkillers — ended his career. Reports tied his death to cancer; his mother told the New York Times that the official cause of death was liver failure.

我年轻时也喜欢橄榄球，那时罗杰斯还在为密歇根州立大学效力。我并不是真的喜欢橄榄球，而是喜欢赌球的状态，我内心深知，这个家伙很有天赋：接球非常快。和许多具有职业潜力的黑人运动员一样，他的生活环境并不好：密歇根州萨吉诺市，那里的人认为学体育是一条出路。罗杰斯在全美橄榄球联盟效力了两年，之后因受伤和毒品使用（磕止痛药）结束了他的职业生涯。有报道称他的离世与癌症有关；但他的母亲在接受《纽约时报》采访时表示，他死于肝衰竭。

On my social media feeds, I see ghosts: scores of guys I once knew, who didn't see 25, who linger on through old accounts and memorial posts. Sometimes I spot myself in those old photos, the one face still alive in a group of people who aren't. I think about those days and how longevity wasn't a concept we grasped; never mind thinking about routine checkups or retirement planning, or imagining ourselves going grey with wrinkled faces and round bellies.

在社交媒体推文上，我似乎看到了一些残影：几十个我曾认识的人，他们都没有活到25岁，他们的旧账户和纪念性发文提醒着我：他们曾来过。有时我会在那些旧照片中看到自己，被一群已故人士包围着。我回想起当年相处的那些日子，我们都觉得自己活不长；也从不考虑定期检查或制定退休计划，从不会想象自己头发花白、满脸皱纹、大腹便便的样子。

Now it seems like I'm one of the few guys from that era and scene left. Now I have to consider my health, my wellness, what my tomorrows will hold. My childhood friends are gone, but I have family and team members who rely on me now. I'm married, and we're expecting a child. That means I have to work through the fear, and try to push forward.

现在看来，我是那个时代还活着的少数几个人中的一个。现在，我必须考虑自己的健康，幸福以及明天的生活。我儿时的朋友去世了，但我的家人和团队成员仍需要我。我结婚了，也正在期待新生命的到来。这意味着我必须克服恐惧，奋力前行。

He never saw 40. I hope I make it.

他没有看到40岁的太阳，我希望我可以。