如何结束/开始一段友情

How to End a Friendship (and How to Start One)

如何结束/开始一段友情

We're tackling tough friendship scenarios this week with psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, who explains why it's so hard to navigate the norms of friendship and how to peacefully end those connections that are no longer working. Beyond researching the science of friendship for almost a decade, Dr. Kirmayer also writes a column for Psychology Today called "Casual to Close," and is consulted frequently for such publications as The New York Times, The Atlantic, Forbes and Time magazine.

本周，我们请到了心理学家米利安·基尔迈尔（Miriam Kirmayer）和我们谈论友情这一话题，她向我们解释了友情规则难以遵循的原因，以及如何和平地终止一段无法维系的友谊。基尔迈尔博士对友谊的研究已有十年之久，她还为《今日心理学》杂志撰写了一篇名为《随意结束》的专栏文章。此外，《纽约时报》《大西洋》《福布斯》和《时代》杂志等出版物也经常就友谊方面的话题向基尔迈尔博士咨询。

After giving advice on how to end a friendship, Dr. Kirmayer then answers listener and reader submitted friendship questions, which span everything from how to deal with a friend's terrible spouse, to how to make friends as an adult.

在给出如何结束一段友情的建议后，基尔迈尔博士又回答了听众关于友谊的其它问题，包括朋友向你吐槽另一半时该如何回应，以及成年人应该如何交朋友。

One of the things that makes our friendships so powerful and important is the fact that they're voluntary. So unlike our relationships with our partners or our family members, where there is the expectation that to some extent we have to stay involved in each other's lives, we don't see that same expectation when it comes to our friendships. And so what that means is that friends do have to choose on an ongoing daily basis to remain involved in each other's lives and to stay connected in that way. And that's why we can feel so close to friends. But it’s also why when they come to an end ... [it] can be so devastating and really, really hurtful.

友情之所以强大和重要，是因为这一切都是建立在自愿的基础之上。所以与恋情以及亲情不同（这两种感情都或多或少的希望我们能参与到彼此的生活中），友情并不会有同样的期待。这意味着朋友的确需要每天都进行选择，参与彼此的生活以保持联系，所以，我们才觉得朋友知我心。但这也是友情结束时，我们备受打击和感到痛苦的原因。

My first piece of advice for any situation where we're feeling like our friends aren't respecting our needs is to question: Have you said something? So often when we communicate about difficult situations, we're very quick to just throw it out there and expect that the people closest to us understand the reasoning behind why it's hurtful. But giving them a little bit of a glimpse into why this is painful can help people to perspective-take. So I would encourage people to kind of ask their friends, "What's going on?" Share why it's important and also potentially share a few solutions yourselves

当你觉得朋友不再尊重你的需求时，我建议你先问问自己：你是不是说错了什么？很多时候，我们都会聊一些困境，我们会快速地抛出问题，期待挚友能读懂我们，了解我们内心的心酸。但给他们一点提示，告诉他们如此痛苦的原因其实更容易引导他们换位思考。所以我鼓励人们这样问自己的好朋友，“发生什么事啦？”你需要说出这件事情重要的原因，并潜在地分享一些解决方案。