为什么我不喜欢别人叫我‘美女’

"Pretty" has always been a conditional adjective for me. My entire life I've heard, "You're pretty for a dark-skinned girl." "You'd be prettier if . . ." Growing up, I didn't want to play outside too long out of fear of getting darker. I'd wish I had skin tones like my mom and dad, who are both light skinned. I'd hear whispers about whether I was my parents' child because there was no way I, a dark-skinned little girl, could have picked up genes from my dark-skinned grandparents.

人们总用"漂亮"这个词形容我的外在。我活了这么多年，总是听到别人说，"虽然你黑，但你好看啊。""如果……，你会更好看。"长大一点后，我不喜欢在外玩太久，因为我怕晒的更黑。我真希望能和爸爸妈妈一样肤色较浅。我曾听到别人八卦，说我不是父母亲生的，因为总不可能我皮肤黑是因为遗传了祖父祖母吧。

Not only was my perception of pretty shaped by how my peers, family members, and society saw my deep brown skin, but my hair was always a topic of a conversation, too. My hair was my crown and glory, at least that is what I was taught. Every week, I spent hours in the hair salon getting my hair chemically straightened.

我的同伴、家人和社会对待我棕色皮肤的看法塑造了我对美的感知。我的头发也总是人们的谈资。我的头发是我的骄傲，至少我是这么想的。我每周都会去理发店化学拉直我的头发。

I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect.

只有当头发处于完美状态时，我才会觉得自己美炸了。

Throughout my teenage and college years, I spent hours in front of the mirror, straightening my hair until it was bone straight. I was known for my "pretty" hair. I would often have people ask what I was mixed with because normal black girls couldn't have "good hair," especially not those with dark skin. Having to always have my hair laid was exhausting. I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect. My hair was my crown and glory, so that was the only way the world would see me as beautiful, right?

青春期和大学时代，我会在镜子前坐上几个小时--把头发拉直。大家都知道我有一头"漂亮"的长发。总会有人问我头发是怎么弄的，因为一般的黑人姑娘不可能有这么"好看的"头发，尤其是皮肤黑黑的姑娘。总是拉直头发是件累活。但只有当头发处于完美状态时，我才会觉得自己美美的。我的头发是我的皇冠、我的荣耀，所以只有那样，大家才会觉得我漂亮，对吗？

Shortly after I graduated from college, I went natural. Well, sort of. I grew my relaxer out bit by bit, cutting off the ends every six to eight weeks. To most people, my hair was still pretty, but I was again spending hours manipulating it to make sure it fit into the mold of the 3C hair type most find beautiful. One day, I cut it all off. I felt liberated. As a woman whose beauty was defined by the length and texture of her hair, without knowing it, I was redefining my "pretty."

大学毕业后不久，我开始放任自然卷了。当然是在一定程度上。我一点点的减少顺发剂的使用量，每6至8周剪一次发梢。大多数人仍然觉得我的头发好看，但我又开始花几个小时做头发，确保我的头发是3C型的、确保大多数人觉得我的头发好看。有一天，我把头发全剪了，我感受到了自由。以前，人们总是以头发长短和柔顺度定义我美不美，现在，我要重新定义"美丽"的含义。