恋爱关系中最致命的10种表达

When you're married or in a long-term relationship, some things are better left unsaid.

结婚以后，或者处在长期的恋爱关系中的时候，有一些话还是不说为好。

Below, marriage therapists and other experts share 10 phrases and statements to strike from your vocabulary now.

下面，婚姻咨询师和其他专家给我们分享了要从我们的语库中划掉的10个短语和句子。

1. “You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.”

“你从来都不洗碗，总是把它们扔在那就不管了。”

The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, there's a good chance your generalization is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland.

来自马里兰州塔科马帕克的心理学家萨曼莎·罗德曼说，这里的碗碟可以用任何事物代替。无论是什么问题，只要用到“从来不”、“总是”等充满指责意味的概括性字眼，每次都会导致同样的结果：你和伴侣大吵一架。而且，你的概括很有可能是错误的。

“Nothing is black and white so telling a partner that she's never on time or he's always selfish can't be right,” she told The Huffington Post. “These types of statements only lead to a prosecutor-defendant dynamic, which is not what you want in your marriage.”

她对《赫芬顿邮报》说：“没有什么事是非黑即白的，所以对伴侣说她从来没有准时过或他总是很自私，并不好。这些话只会导致你们不断来回指责和辩解，这并不是你在婚姻里想要的。”

2. “You sound exactly like your mother.”

“你和你妈说话一模一样。”

When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a diversion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.

婚姻与家庭咨询师、《幸福婚姻指南》的作者莎伦·吉尔克里斯特·奥尼尔说，吵架的时候，要专注于眼前问题，把焦点放在你们两个人身上。把对方父母牵扯进来进行比较的做法非常可恶，不公平，最终也偏离了你们本身的问题。

“Mentioning parents can easily become mean-spirited attacks that interfere with the couple's ability to address the underlying issues,” she told HuffPost.

她对《赫芬顿邮报》说：“提及父母就很有可能变成刻薄的攻击，影响双方解决眼前问题的能力。”

3. “You think you're better than everyone else!”

“你是不是觉得自己很了不起！”

Never put words in your partner's mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. There's no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.

来自阿肯色州小岩城的婚姻与家庭咨询师贝基·惠茨通说，永远不要对伴侣说这句话，或者，即使这样说了，也不要让他们认为你真这么想。了解他人的情绪或想法是不可能的，所以这样的假设留给你自己就好。

“These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you're accusing them of is not true,” she said. “What you're saying suggests you don't think very highly of your S.O. It's a double dose of pain in one sentence.”

她说：“这样的话容易激化矛盾，因为对方认为你的指责不实。并且，你说的话表明你对对方的评价不高。所以，这句话包含了双重伤害。”

4. “Do I look like I've put on weight?”

“我是不是胖了？”

“What you really mean by asking this is, 'I know I've put on weight. I'm unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you're OK with my current state.'” she said. “These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role,” said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women.

“你问这句话的真正意思是'我知道我体重增加了，我不满意我的样子，我需要你说你对我的现状很满意'。回答这些问题都不是必要的个人责任，而且这种问题相当于在逼迫伴侣去发挥激励你的作用，”女性约会和恋爱辅导师萝宾·沃尔葛斯特如是说。

5. “Have you put on a few pounds?”

“你是不是胖了？”

Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line.

直白、消极地评论配偶的外貌也越过了红线。

“Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets,” Whetstone said. “It's painful because you're suggesting that your partner isn't good enough or that they're less than or defective.”

“毫无助益地批评外貌，要多糟有多糟，”惠茨通说。“这样很伤人，因为你在暗示你的伴侣不够好、差那么一点、有缺陷。”

6. “You're a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...”

“你是个糟糕的家长/当家的/爱人……”

Put-downs centered around your spouse's family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.

贬低你配偶的家庭或职业角色非常残忍，弗罗里达迈阿密滩市心理治疗师M·加里·诺依曼说。

“Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating,” he said. “These roles are so important and tender. When they're questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this.”

他说：“消极评价个人身份的结果是毁灭性的。我们的角色重要又脆弱，它们一旦被质疑，我们就感觉完全崩溃了。我们也很难忘掉这样的话。”

7. “Ugh, I hate when you do that.” (Said in front of friends or family.)

（当着朋友或家人的面说）“呃，我讨厌你那么做。”

Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.

惠茨通说，当着他人的面贬低配偶是婚姻与恋爱关系中万万不可做的事。

“In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation,” she said. “It causes resentment and a lack of trust.”

她说：“在这种情况中，你在召集大家反对你的配偶——比这更糟的是，你很难求得对方原谅这样越界的事，对方会为此怨恨，不再信任你。”

8. “I barely know him — he's just someone I work with.”

“我不怎么了解他——他就是和我一起工作的人而已。”

It's almost inevitable that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Don't try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast.

沃尔葛斯特说，在你们的婚姻关系中，不可避免地，伴侣或你在某个时刻会对其他人产生一种轻微的、单纯的好感。如果这样的事真的发生，就要直面问题。不要轻描淡写地一说，掩饰你的感情。

“The best way to neutralize the potential destructiveness of your crush is to briefly and simply acknowledge it to your spouse,” she said. “Try saying to your husband, 'I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a bit of a crush on that new consultant. He's so funny — his sense of humor reminds me of yours.'”

“你对别人的好感对你们的关系有潜在的毁灭性危险，化解这一危险的最好方式就是向你的配偶简明扼要地承认事实。”她说，“试着对你丈夫说'我知道这听起来很荒唐，但我对那个新来的顾问有点儿好感。他很风趣，他的幽默感让我想到了你。'”

Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent about your feelings “will create more openness with your partner. You'll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo subjects in a kind and respectful way.”

尽管这个问题可能不好开口，但沃尔葛斯特说，坦白你的情感最终“会让你和你的伴侣更加坦诚相待。你们也会以友好、互相尊重的方式提出其他禁忌话题，双方都会感到更舒服。”

9. “You shouldn't feel that way.”

“你不该那么想。”

There's nothing more belittling or condescending than telling your spouse what he should or shouldn't be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said.

罗德曼说，没有什么比告诉你的配偶他或她在某种情况下应该或不应该怎么想更居高临下、更贬低人了。

“There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel,” she said. “Feelings are what they are; try to understand your partner and be curious about his experience rather than dismissing what you don't understand.”

她说：“一个人怎么想没有对错，感觉就是感觉，不可捉摸；要试着去理解你的伴侣，问下他怎么得来这样的体验，而不是否认你不理解的事”。

10. “Don't wait up for me.”

“不用等我了。”

This seemingly innocent remark suggests you're not going to bed at the same time, a habit that can be damaging to your relationship, said Wahlgast.

沃尔葛斯特说，这个看起来没什么问题的言论表明你们不打算在同一时间睡觉，这个习惯会破坏你们的关系。

“You should view shared bedtime as a way to strengthen your connection with your partner — it's a powerful form of physical intimacy, with or without sex,” she said. “Saying OK to separate bedtimes enables behaviors that destroy intimacy, such as solitary porn-watching and flirty messaging with friends or co-workers.”

“你应该把相同的睡觉时间视作与伴侣加强关系的一种方式——对维持肌肤亲密非常有效，与性无关，”她说。“同意有不同的睡觉时间，容易产生破坏亲密关系的行为，比如独自看色情片，或与朋友、同事发暧昧短信。”

Vocabulary

accusatory：非难的，指责的

aggravating：激怒的，恶化的

defective：有缺陷的；不完美的

broach：提出；开始讨论