支招：如何把爱你的女人永远留在身边

As a marriage counsellor working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous issues. While many situations are complex, there's one profoundly simple truth that men need to know: Women leave men they love.

作为一个为陷入情感危机的男女提供帮助的婚姻顾问，我帮助客户处理过无数问题。虽然很多情况都很复杂，但有一件极为简单的事男人需要知道：女人会离开她们深爱的男人。

They feel terrible about it. It tears their heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes and lives.

她们会很痛苦，撕心裂肺，但依然会这样做。她们会重拾勇气和安慰，然后离开。女人会离开那个和她共同抚育子女、经营家庭、一起生活过的男人。

Women leave for many reasons, but there's one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand: Women leave because their man is not present. He's working, golfing, gaming, watching TV, fishing...the list is long. These aren't bad men. They're good men. They're good fathers. They support their family. They're nice, likeable. But they take their wife for granted. They're not present.

女人离开有很多原因，但其中有一个尤其让我难以忘怀，这也是我想让男人们明白的：女人离开是因为这个男人总不在身边。他要工作、打高尔夫、玩游戏、看电视、钓鱼……他们总有很多事。他们也不是不好，都是好男人、好父亲，他们会养家、人好、人缘好，却认为妻子做什么都理所当然，总是不陪在妻子身边。

Men, I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I'm telling you what I see. You can get as angry, hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment after moment. You win her over first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel that you're listening to her. Not nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil's advocate.

男人们，我不是在评价这种情况好坏与否，我说的都是我所见到的。你可以尽情地生气、伤感或义愤填膺。妻子不是你的财产，她的灵魂不归你所有，你需要一天一天、一点点地努力去赢得，首先要用你的陪伴、你的活力去赢得她的芳心。她需要感觉到，她想跟你聊对她重要的东西，并且要感受到你在倾听，而不是礼貌性地点头、安抚，当然更不能唱反调。

She wants you to feel her. She doesn't want absent-minded groping or quick sex. She wants to feel your passion. Do you have it? It's the most attractive thing you possess. If you've lost it, what's the reason? Where did it go? Find out. Find it.

她想要你感受到她，不想要心不在焉的抚摸或快餐式的性爱，她想感受到你的激情。你有激情吗？这是你所拥有的最有吸引力的东西。如果你失去了激情，为什么？激情去哪儿了？你要弄明白并找回激情。

If you think you're present with your wife, try listening to her. Does your mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how deeply do you see her? Look again, look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for longer than usual. If she asks what you're doing, tell her: "I'm looking into you. I want to see you deeply. I'm curious about who you are. After all these years I still want to know who you are, every day." But only say it if you mean it.

如果你认为妻子是上天对你的馈赠，你就要试着去倾听。你是不是走神了？注意力要集中。你注视她的时候，能看到她的内心深处吗？再仔细看看，要看得更深。和她双目对视，而且时间要比平时长。如果她问你在做什么，就跟她说：“我在观察你，我想看透你。我好奇你到底什么样。在一起这么多年了，但我仍然每天都想知道你是什么样的人。”你说这些话一定要发自肺腑。

Touch her with your full attention. Before you put your hand on her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what happens the moment you make contact. What happens in your body? What do you feel? Notice the most subtle sensations and emotions. Tell her everything you're noticing, moment after moment.

全神贯注地触碰她，手放在她身上之前，你要注意自己手上的感觉，注意你碰到她的那一刻发生了什么，你身上有什么变化？你感觉到了什么？你要注意到最细微的感觉和情绪。你无时无刻都要告诉她你注意到的一切。

But you're busy. You don't have time for all this. How about five minutes? Five minutes a day. Will you commit to that? I'm talking about five minutes a day to be completely present with the woman you share your life with. To be completely open -- listening and seeing without judgement. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a taste, you won't want to stop.

但你很忙，没有时间去做所有这些事。那么5分钟怎么样？每天抽出5分钟，你能保证吗？我说的是一天抽出5分钟全部用来陪伴和你共度一生的女人。完全敞开你的心扉，不带任何评价地倾听、注视她。你能做到吗？我打赌你一旦开始这样做、尝到这样做的甜头，你就再也不想停下来了。