恋爱小贴士：初次约会的4个技巧

1.Talk Travel, Not Movies

1.谈旅游，别谈电影

In a study by Richard Wiseman, less than 9% of couples that talked movies wanted a second date vs 18% of couples that talked about travel.

在理查德·怀斯曼做的一项研究中，想要第二次约会的人中，双方谈论电影的不到9%，而双方谈论旅行的占了18%。

When talking about movies, less than 9 percent of the pairs wanted to meet up again, compared to 18 percent when participants spoke about the top topic—travel… the conversations about travel tended to revolve around great holidays and dream destinations, and that makes people feel good and so appear more attractive to one another.

如果约会时谈论电影，那只有不到9%的约会双方会想再次见面，相比之下，如果谈论旅游，就有18%的人想要第二次约会…关于旅游的对话往往围绕着休闲的假期和梦想的旅游胜地而展开，旅游度假这个话题使人感觉良好，这个话题能让双方都互相更有吸引力。

2.It’s Not Just What You Talk About, It’s How You Talk

2.不在于你谈什么，而在于你怎么谈

Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.This is how to have smooth first date conversation.

把对方谈的话题进行补充，再把问题抛给对方，进行新一轮交流。这样才是第一次约会顺利交谈愉快聊天的方式。

Avoid extremes in autonomy. Don’t dominate, but don’t be a non-contributor either.

不要极端地把控话语权。不占主导地位，但也不要做完全被动的角色。

3.Share Secrets

分享秘密

Emotional, personal information exchange during first date conversation promotes powerful feelings of connection.

第一次约会交流感情、互相交换个人信息能大大促进感情的联系。

A psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, is interested in how people form romantic relationships, and he’s come up with an ingenious way of taking men and women who have never met before and making them feel close to one another. Given that he has just an hour or so to create the intimacy levels that typically take weeks, months, or years to form, he accelerated the getting-to-know-you process through a set of thirty-six questions crafted to take the participants rapidly from level one in McAdams’s system to level two.[/en]

纽约州立大学斯托尼布鲁克分校的一位心理学家对于人们是如何形成浪漫关系这方面的研究很感兴趣，他想出了一个巧妙的计策把从来没有见过面的男女让他们感觉彼此亲近。通常需要几周、几个月或几年的时间才能产生亲密感，而通过这一策略用一小时左右的时间就可以，他通过制定了一组问题，包括36个问题对参与者进行测试，就加速了美好感觉的产生过程，在麦克亚当斯的系统中，级别迅速从一级提升到二级。

But how effective can this be, really?

但效果到底如何？真有这么神奇吗?

In under an hour it can create a connection stronger than a lifelong friendship.

在一个小时内建立起来的感情比终身友谊的感情更强烈。

What he found was striking. The intensity of the dialogue partners’ bond at the end of the forty-five-minute vulnerability interaction was rated as closer than the closest relationship in the lives of 30 percent of similar students. In other words, the instant connections were more powerful than many long-term, even lifelong relationships.

他的发现非常惊人。45分钟的对话时间结束双方所建立起来的亲密感，类似30%的学生在生活中行成的最亲密的感情。换句话说，即时建立起来的亲密感超越了许多长期培养的感情，甚至比终身培养起来的感情还要强大。

4.Choose Controversial Over Dull Every Time

4.每次约会的争论气氛胜于沉闷气氛

If all else fails, talk about abortions and STD’s.

如果其他话题都争论不起来的话，争论一下堕胎和性病传播这类问题。

Forcing people to discuss interesting but more controversial topics made for more enjoyable first date conversation.

迫使大家讨论有意思但更有争议性的话题，营造这样的气氛会让第一次约会交谈的气氛更令人愉快。

We limited the type of discussions that online daters could engage in by eliminating their ability to ask anything that they wanted and giving them a preset list of questions and allowing them to ask only these questions. The questions we chose had nothing to do with the weather and how many brothers and sisters they have, and instead all the questions were interesting and personally revealing (ie.,“how many romantic partners did you have?”, “When was your last breakup?”, “Do you have any STDs?”, “Have you ever broken someone’s heart?”, “How do you feel about abortion?”)… Instead of talking about the World Cup or their favorite desserts, they shared their innermost fears or told the story of losing their virginity. Everyone, both sender and replier, was happier with the interaction…What we learned from this little experiment is that when people are free to choose what type of discussions they want to have, they often gravitate toward an equilibrium that is easy to maintain but one that no one really enjoys or benefits from.

我们对网上交友者所讨论的话题限定类型，不允许想问什么就问什么，把可以问的问题给他们列出一个表，只允许他们问这些问题。我们选择的问题与天气无关，也不问有多少兄弟姐妹，所有的问题都很有意思，而且都能从问题的回答中看出每个人的个性（如，“你谈过多少次恋爱？”“你上一次分手是什么时候？”“你有性病吗？”“你伤过别人的心吗？”“你对堕胎这个问题怎么看？”）…不谈论世界杯或自己喜欢的甜点，分享彼此内心深处的恐惧或者告诉对方自己失身的秘密。每个人既要向对方讲述自己的故事也要倾听对方的倾诉，进行快乐互动…我们从这个小实验中可以了解到大家自由选择自己想要讨论什么话题，他们往往倾向平衡易于维护，但不会从中体验到真正的愉悦感受或从中受益。