嫉妒的正能量 如何欣赏别人的成功

First thing in the morning, I check Twitter, only to have it list off for me all the ways I’ve already fallen behind. A colleague has released a new e-book. Two of my design heroes are announcing a collaborative project. One of my old college buddies has posted a video trailer for an upcoming online program, and she looks phenomenal, polished, charismatic (I’m still in bed, bleary-eyed, and definitely not at my most telegenic.)

每天早晨，我的第一件事就是刷推特，因为它会显示出来在哪些事情上我已经落后了。比如：我的同事已经发布了一本新电子书，我崇拜的两个设计英雄声明一起合作项目，我的一个大学朋友在网上发布了一段即将上映的节目的视频预告片，她看起来美貌惊人、闪闪发亮、充满魅力（而我还窝在床上，睡眼惺忪，肯定是不能上镜的。）

Am I really falling behind? Is anybody actually keeping score? Did any of these people post any of the updates with the intent of making me feel bad? Of course not. But if I’m not careful, it’s terribly easy to view my social media streams as a constant reminder of all the stuff I’m not doing and dreams I’m not fulfilling.

那么，我确实落后了吗？其他人一直都在取得成绩吗？这些人发布的任何状态更新都是为了刺激我？当然不是。但是如果我不是很细心的话，那么很容易觉得我的社交媒体流一直在提醒我没有做的事情和没有实现的梦想。

This isn’t a social media problem. It’s a comparison problem. There isn’t a single thing about Twitter – or any of the other social media platforms I use – that’s designed to make me ask how I’m measuring up. That’s all me – an automatic, internal mechanism. It’s part ego (“But what does this say about me?”), part creative drive (“What more am I capable of?”), and part deep soul yearning (“How can I make an impact, leave a legacy, and matter?”).

这其实不是社交媒体的问题，这是一个攀比的问题。推特以及我使用的其他社交媒体平台本身没有任何问题，它们的设计初衷本就不是让我用来进行自我估量的。这都是我的问题——自动的内部机制。一部分出于自我因素（“但这说到了我什么？”），一部分出于创新驱动（“我还可以做到更多吗？”），还有一部分出于内心深处的呐喊（“我如何才能产生影响、留下遗产并发挥作用？”）。

And I know it’s not just me. I’ve spent the past year collaborating with leadership coach Tanya Geisler on researching how comparison works, what it costs us, and what it can teach us – and we’ve discovered that it runs rampant among just about every creative, growth-oriented person we know. In our comparison-soaked culture, it’s hard to avoid looking around at what other people are doing with their short time on earth, and slipping (often unconsciously) into “How am I stacking up?” mode. Here’s what we learned:

我知道不仅仅是我存在这样的问题。去年一年我都在跟领导学教练坦妮娅·盖斯勒合作研究攀比是如何发生的，它会让我们付出怎样的代价以及它教会了我们什么。我们发现，攀比心在创新型、增长型的人身上蔓延比较迅速。在我们这样一个充满攀比的文化中，很难避免去跟其他人比较究竟他们在短时间内做了什么，然后不由自主地进入“我怎么获得”的模式。我们的研究结果如下：

Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides

别拿自己的内在和别人的外在来攀比

The first time I heard this excellent, if hard-to-implement, advice, I was suffering from a terrible case of envy. Some competitor or other had achieved an inspiring degree of success and I was complaining to a mentor about how unachievable it seemed to me. Her warning took me aback: Look, she told me, You have no idea what it took for them to get there. Don’t act like this was unearned, effortless, or pure dumb luck.And for Pete’s sake, don’t go thinking that because you read the press release, you have a single clue about what’s really going on behind the scenes.

我第一次听到这个优秀的、但却难以实施的建议时，我刚好在经受一种可怕的嫉妒。当看到一些竞争对手或其他人取得了令人欢欣鼓舞的成功时，我就向导师抱怨在我看来是如何无法实现的。她的警告使我十分惊讶：看，她告诉我，你并不知道他们为获得成功付出了什么。不要总觉得这是不劳而获、毫不费力的，或者纯粹的狗屎运。不要再那样想了，因为你一看这个消息的时候，你就只想到了一点，而不会考虑到他们背后发生了什么。

She was absolutely right. I knew better, yet in the moment that I’d heard the news, I fell prey to reactive thinking and over-simplification. Because it’s much easier to look at someone “up there” and envy what they’ve got than it is to ask the tougher questions:

她是绝对正确的。我其实知道，然而在听到消息的那一刻，我却成了反动思考和过于简单化的牺牲品。因为看到别人达到目标、嫉妒他们所取得的成功时，更容易做出这样的反应，而不是反问自己一些问题：

What do they have that I wish I had?

他们拥有什么我希望拥有的东西？

What do I admire about them? What are they modelling for me?

我羡慕他们身上的什么？他们给我做出了什么样的榜样？

What have they done to get where they are today?

为了今天的收获他们付出了什么？

How does this relate to my own values?

这点是如何与我自己的价值观相关的？

When we reflect on these questions, we shift immediately out of comparison mode and turn inwards, to face the heart of the matter: our own desires and fears.

当我们反思这些问题的时候，我们就会立即从攀比的模式当中切换回来，面对我们内心的问题：我们的渴望以及恐惧。

Transform comparison into celebration

将攀比转换成祝贺

Admiration and envy are responses that point us toward what we value most. And when we become aware of what we value, we are much better positioned to create a life that’s richly satisfying.

欣赏和嫉妒能够反应出我们最重视的是什么。然后当我们意识到我们重视什么的时候，我们会更好地创造完全令人满意的生活。

If you notice yourself admiring people who take creative risks, bring your full attention to the part of you that wants to dare more greatly. If you catch yourself envying the folks in your circles who are at ease with self-promotion, take some time to reflect on how you might share your triumphs in a way that feels totally YOU. Heck, if you’re obsessing over tennis players’ forearms, it could be a sign that you’re ready to revamp your fitness regime.

如果你发现你自己羡慕那些敢于创新冒险的人，那么就将你自己的全副注意力放到你希望自己表现的更勇敢的部分。如果你觉得自己嫉妒身边那些善于推销自己的人，那么就拿出一点时间来反思你会如何以一种完全属于自己的方式来分享你的成功。如果你沉溺于羡慕网球运动员强有力的手臂，这有可能表明你准备修改你的健身计划。

Use the Success of Others As a Mirror

将别人的成功当做一面镜子

Comparison can be a dark, stuck place, but only if you let it be. There’s gold to be found in your comparison habit, if you’re willing to look for it. The light we see in others can help us see our own – and appreciate it.

只有在你任由其发展的情况下，攀比才是阴暗、无法摆脱的。然而如果你愿意去关注它，攀比习惯还是有可取之处的。发现别人身上的光芒可以帮助我们认识自己，欣赏自己。

So the next time you catch yourself admiring or envying someone’s success, gifts, or particular brand of radiance，take a moment to consider:

因此，下次你再羡慕或者嫉妒别人的成功、礼物或者特定的名品时，想想以下问题：

What qualities in them inspire me?

他们身上的什么品质刺激了我?

Where do I currently embody these qualities?

目前我身上有这些品质吗？

How might my expression of these qualities differ from theirs?

我表现出这些品质会跟他们有如何的不同呢？

What can I learn from my desire to embody these qualities more fully?

我能从自己内心的渴望之中学到些什么来更全面地表现这些品质？