说的是你吗？8大特征揭秘焦虑的控制狂

You might not know it, but your controlling behaviors are making people around you batty. Here are a few ways to ease up already.

你的控制狂行为已经让你身边的人抓狂了，而你很可能毫不自知！这篇文章将告诉你如何减轻症状。

Control freaks rarely know that they are one. They believe that they are helping people with their "constructive criticism" or taking over a project because "no one else will do it right." They don't see their controlling behaviors as symptoms of what's really going on--their own anxiety has run amuck.

首先，控制狂们通常不知道自己是控制狂。他们认为自己提出“建设性意见”或干脆直接把别人的活儿揽过来做，全是因为“别人没法胜任”，而自己是在好心帮忙。然而他们却完全忽略了自己真实表现出来的症状——极度焦虑。

Irrational thoughts abound in our high stress world: If I don't get this contract, I'll get fired. If I'm not home by 6:00, I'm a terrible parent. If I don't get that raise, I suck at my job. All of these thoughts might be true, but probably not.

当人极度紧张时，他的脑子里会填满了荒唐的想法，比如：如果我谈不成这笔单子，我就会被解雇；如果我晚6点还没到家，我就是个不称职的家长；如果我没得到那个加薪机会，说明我的工作表现烂极了。这些想法中，有些的确可能发生，有些毫无根据。

Rather than tackle our own irrational thinking and massage it into more realistic thinking, we attempt to control the situation, usually by trying to control other people. Want to know if you're a control freak? Here are eight signs for your self-diagnosing pleasure.

为了不让糟糕的假设变成现实，我们得试着去控制局面。如何控制呢？通常的做法是：控制别人。想知道自己是不是不知不觉中成了控制狂？看看以下8大特点中，自己占了几项吧。

1. You believe that if someone would change one or two things about themselves, you'd be happier. So you try to "help them" change this behavior by pointing it out, usually over and over.

你一直觉得如果别人能改掉一两个缺点的话，你就会活得更开心。于是，你一遍又一遍地指出他们的缺点，以“帮助”他们改正。

2. You micromanage others to make them fit your (often unrealistic) expectations. You don't believe in imperfection and you don't think anyone else should either.

你事无巨细地改变他人，以达到自己心目中的最高（不现实的）期望。你从来不相信“不完美”的存在，同样地，你要求周遭的人也得摒弃那些不完美。

3. You judge others' behavior as right or wrong and passive-aggressively withhold attention until they fall in line with your expectations. Sitting in silent judgment is a master form of control.

你对他人的评判非黑即白；你善于应用消极攻击法，忍气吞声，直到对方最终达到你心目中的要求。“喜欢不动声色地暗中评判”是控制狂的显著特征之一。

4. You offer "constructive criticism" as a veiled attempt to advance your own agenda.

为了满足自己的议程表，你时常不动声色地提供“建设性意见”。

5. You change who you are or what you believe so that someone will accept you. Instead of just being yourself, you attempt to incept others by managing their impression of you.

为了使别人接受自己，你愿意改变自己原本的样子和信仰。与其以原本相貌坦诚面对他人，你更愿意通过改变自身形象，达到操控别人的目的。

6. You present worst-case scenarios in an attempt to influence someone away from certain behaviors and toward others. This is also called fear mongering.

为了感化他人，使其改掉某些习惯，你不惜动用一切手段。这种方法也称为“恐惧散布法”。

7. You have a hard time with ambiguity and being OK with not knowing something.

你对模棱两可的事物接受度极低；你同样不允许“不知情”的情况在自己身上发生。

8. You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others.

You believe that if you can change another person's undesirable behavior, then you will be happier or more fulfilled. You make someone else responsible for how you feel.

你通过解释或忽视他人的言行，以达到干预别人的效果。“如果我能改变别人，让他去做从前不愿意做的事情，那我便能从中得到快乐、充实的感觉。”对此你深信不疑。你无形中把自己的情绪建立在了别人的身上。

The thing is, you are only responsible for you. The road to better relationships alwaysstarts with you. Rather than attempt to control everyone else, work on becoming a better version of yourself. Here are a few ideas:

但事实是：你只能对自己负责。若想和他们拥有美好的关系，你必须检视自己。与其控制他人，不如改善自己。以下是一些小贴士：

Be vulnerable with people.

偶尔也要示弱。

Never compromise your self-respect by altering your core beliefs.

永远不要为了达到目标而委屈自己的尊严和信仰。

Be realistic about your expectations of others.

接受现实，勇敢面对别人与自己高期待的差距。

Quit the passive-aggressive nonsense--be direct.

杜绝消极攻击行为，有话直说。

Accept that a large portion of life is laced with unknowns.

生命的很大一部分是由未知决定的——接受现实吧。

Embrace confrontation--it really is sometimes the only thing you can do.

拥抱对峙——因为除了勇敢面对，很多时候你并没有更好的办法。

Take responsibility for your own happiness.

为自己的快乐负责。

If you work on your own improvement instead of trying to control others, healthier relationships at work, as well as everywhere else, will then come to you as a result.

若你能改掉控制他人的想法，转而改进自身，你会发现工作中、生活中等一切的人际关系，似乎都渐渐变得更为美好了。