如何明智地解决家庭冲突?

1. Target the problem, not the person

1. 就事论事，不针对个人

If a family member blames you for something you have done, it is important to be careful about how you defend yourself. It is not a good idea to use ways that cause hurt, even if they would help you make a valid point.

如果家庭成员因为你做了某事而责怪你，那你的辩护方式十分重要。如果你的辩护方式会带来伤害，即使这种方式能让你提出有力观点，我们也不建议这么做。

If you can think of an instance where the other person has done exactly what they accuse you of, for example, it would not be good manners to throw it in their face. You should only bring it up if you don't have a choice. Then, you should make sure that you do it respectfully.

比如，如果家庭成员指责你不应该这样做，而你却回想到他/她以前也这么做过，这时候讲出这件事打他们的脸则是不礼貌的做法，除非你别无他法。即便这样，你也应该以尊敬的态度提出此事。

2. Remember that people are different

2. 记住这一点：人和人是不同的

Even if a family member habitually goes against reasonable wishes you may have, you should understand that people genuinely see even the most fundamental things in very different ways.

即使某个家庭成员会习惯性地反驳你的合理提议，你也应该明白，即便是最日常的东西，人们的看法也不尽相同。

If you consider any noise after midnight to be intolerable, for example, others may genuinely see it is completely acceptable. It can take them a great deal of time to change their behavior for a demand that they do not understand.

比如，你认为午夜过后的噪声无法忍受，但其他人却会觉得这是完全可以接受的。他们可能需要花大量时间改变他们的行为以满足他们所不能理解的需求。

3. Look for patterns

3. 寻找规律

Think about the familial conflicts that you are worried about now. Check to see if there is a parallel with problems that your parents had. People who grow up with parents who fight unfairly often repeat the same behavior. Consider changing the unfair habits that you grew up with.

想想你现在最担心什么样的家庭冲突？你的父母是不是也曾起过这类冲突？如果父母总是争吵，在这种情况下成长的人往往也会重复同样的行为。考虑考虑吧：改掉成长过程中的坏习惯。

4. Understand that memories tend to change

4. 你要明白：记忆也会改变

In long-standing family disputes, all parties involved tend to have completely different recollections of the original problem. The mind has a way of constantly changing the way it remembers things - to the point that memories eventually bear no connection to real event.

对于持续较久的家庭纠纷而言，纠纷各方往往对一开始的冲突点有着不同的回忆。大脑的记忆会不断改变--甚至所拥有的最终记忆与原有事件毫不相关。

5. Think about how you care for the other person

5. 想想你是否还会关心争吵对象

Families are a curious concept - while family members often feel nothing but resentment for one another, they will also often be there for them should they ever be in serious trouble. When you feel resentment for someone, think about how far you would go for them if they happened to be in trouble. It could help soften you.

家是一个有趣的概念--虽然家庭成员之间往往彼此怨恨，但一旦有人陷入麻烦，其他的家庭成员往往都会陪伴他/她，帮助他/她。如果你对某人心生怨恨，请想一想：如果他/她陷入麻烦，你会怎么做？这会让你缓和对他/她的态度。