情感专家告诉你：如何“科学地”说分手

可能没啥比被甩更悲催了，但是甩人的一方感觉可能也好不到哪儿去。其实，分手对当事人双方来讲都不那么容易，但是如果你要甩了你的那个TA，还是有方法减轻你俩的痛苦的，情感专家给指出了几条光明大道。

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Tell the truth — but don’t be cruel

温柔点儿，讲真话

If you’re ending a relationship, you owe it to the other person to explain why, says Rachel Sussman, a New York City psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible. “The people that I see who have the hardest time after a breakup, it’s because they don’t understand,” Sussman says. Ideally, your reason shouldn’t shock the other person, because you’ve discussed it in the past and tried to work through it, Sussman adds.

如果你想结束一段恋情，你应该给对方一个解释。来自纽约的心理治疗师、《分手圣经》的作者瑞秋·苏斯曼说道：“在我看来，人们在分手后最大的痛苦在于他们想不明白为什么分手。理论上，提出分手一方的理由不该使对方感到震惊，因为在决定分手前你们应该为此争执过，并且想过要去修复。”

Guy Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, agrees that you should give a reason, but stresses that a breakup isn’t license to unload all of your pent-up complaints and snide comments — even if the other person says they want to hear them. “Find the one thing, because that might be useful for them [to know],” he says. Listing every last annoyance isn’t productive and will only drag out what’s likely to be a painful conversation.

同样来自纽约的心理治疗师、《如何修复破碎的心》的作者盖·卫恩齐也同意苏斯曼的这一观点，并强调分手的重点不是释放你一直压抑着的怨言和尽情地讽刺对方，哪怕对方表示会接受你的“发泄”。“找出一件能够使对方理解的、具体的事儿来说明白。”无休止的抱怨毫无益处，反而会使痛苦的交谈没完没了。

It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.

专家们还认为，谨慎措辞也很重要。卫恩齐说，不要只是责备对方，可以试着这样说：“这让我困扰”或“这对我来说真的很难”。你感觉很糟糕的事儿并不一定很糟糕，可能只是你的感觉而已。

Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.

最后，抑制住说善意谎言的冲动。卫恩齐说，别试图用“我们以后还可以做朋友”或者“目前我的状态不适合谈恋爱”这种话来给对方无谓的希望。如果以后再无可能，就不要给对方任何暗示。

Do it face-to-face

面对面，说清楚

Both Winch and Sussman say in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place. “If it’s in public, they might be distraught, and then they have to somehow get home, which is horrible,” Winch says. The best place to do it is in their home, not yours, he adds, so you can leave if the situation gets too drawn out, and so that they’re in a familiar place.

卫恩齐和苏斯曼都提到，对于已经确立关系的伴侣来说，私下、面对面谈分手是最体贴和成熟的方式。卫恩齐说：“如果在公众场合，被甩的一方情绪会比较容易失控，这种情况下再独自回家是比较危险的。”谈这类问题最好的地方就是在对方家里，而不是你的家里，这样如果谈得不太顺畅你可以离开，而对方也是在自己熟悉的地方。”

That said, there are a few exceptions to the face-to-face rule, Winch says. Most importantly, if you fear for your safety in any way, you should keep your distance. Aside from that, a phone-based breakup may be okay if you’re dating long-distance, or if you’ve only seen each other a few times. For very new dating situations that have only lasted a date or two, you can even get away with a text.

卫恩齐说，不过“面对面”原则也有几种例外的情况。最重要的是，如果你担心自身的安全，你还是应该与对方保持距离。除此以外，如果是异地恋，或者彼此只见过几面，电话分手也是可行的。如果只是刚刚开始的恋情、只见过一两次面，那么短信分手也不是不可以。

But even if you’ve only been on one date, Winch says it’s always better to be upfront, rather than ghosting. He even recommends writing out a boilerplate message — something along the lines of, “Thank you, it was fun, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” — and keeping it on hand for those situations.

但是，哪怕你们只约会过一次，给对方一个交代比玩“消失”要好得多，卫恩齐说道，哪怕只是写一些类似“谢谢你，和你一起挺开心的，不过还是没什么心动的感觉”之类的客套话。

Be sure

说再见，就再见

All too often, Sussman says, the person who ends a relationship has second thoughts once the deed is done, which only makes for a messy, painful situation. “Spend some time soul-searching, journaling, talking to a really good friend or family member or talking to a relationship specialist” to get your thoughts in order, Sussman says.

苏斯曼说道，很多时候，提出分手的一方会在分手后又改变主意，这会使情况变得更糟，更让人痛苦。苏斯曼说：“先花些时间去反省、回顾、与挚友亲人或情感专家沟通，理清思绪。”

While it may feel uncomfortable to carry on the relationship while you make up your mind, Winch says it’s a necessary evil. “Everyone who wants to break up, every single person, does not voice that the minute they think it. They have to process it and be sure and be ready,” Winch says. “That’s how it works.”

卫恩齐说，当你已经打定主意后，再继续保持关系会很煎熬，虽然不希望伤害别人，但这是一个必经过程。“每一个想分手的人，不会在冒出这个念头的第一时间就说出来。他们都要考虑一番，确定自己要分手，并做好准备，”卫恩齐说，“一般都是这样操作的。”

Once you’ve resolutely decided to end things, however, you shouldn’t delay the conversation or prematurely act like you’re single, Sussman says. “The dumbest thing people do is get involved with other people before their relationship is over. They just want to have a plan B. It can also be to create distance, maybe even on some level of wanting to get caught,” she says. “If you’re involved with someone and the contract is exclusivity and monogamy, to cheat on that person is the most hurtful thing.”

苏斯曼说，一旦你确定要结束一段关系，就不要再拖拖拉拉不提分手，也别过早地向全世界宣布自己是单身。她说：“最愚蠢的事儿就是‘骑驴找马’。有的人总是想给自己留条后路。有的人还会刻意制造距离，甚至盼着被对方发现自己的背叛。爱情是具有排他性的，欺骗是对他人最大的伤害。”

Let them decide whether or not to contact you

让“被甩”的一方决定你们还是不是“朋友”

It may seem kind to check in on your ex or to maintain a friendly rapport after a breakup, but resist the impulse. Both Sussman and Winch say the person who got dumped should be the one to decide when, or if, they want to reopen contact — and ideally, that should only happen after you’ve both moved on completely.

关心前任或者与前任做朋友看似很“重情重义”，但是最好别这样。苏斯曼和卫恩齐都提到，应该让“被甩”的一方来决定是否还要继续保持联系，而且最好是在你们双方都已经从过去解脱出来后。

Couples should take time apart before trying to become friends, Sussman says. Let at least three months pass before starting any kind of friendship, Winch says — adding that most people who follow this rule opt not to get back in touch. If you’re the person ending things, Winch says you should prepare yourself for that possibility and give your ex their space, as hard as that may be.

苏斯曼说道，情侣或夫妻在分手后应该要过段时间再决定是不是要继续做朋友。卫恩齐建议这个“冷却期”至少要三个月时间，但实际上这样做了的人通常都再也不会联系对方了。既然已经“甩了”别人，就应该准备好面对不可预知的未来，给前任空间（尽管会很难过），放过彼此吧。