老外看中国：我的面子碎一地

有时候，尊严就像泡沫，随时可能破灭。去年来到中国后，我经历了几件很丢面子的事情。英国人给我这种倒霉不断的人起了个名字 —— “沃利”（Wally是一个常见的英文名字，有“废物，笨蛋”的意思）。

By DAVID BOGLE

Sometimes dignity feels like bubble waiting to be burst.

有时候，尊严就像泡沫，随时可能破灭。

We Brits like that sort of thing - we love to see pompous characters having their treasured dignity destroyed.

我们英国人对此喜闻乐见——我们喜欢看到那些自视清高的人的宝贵尊严被摧毁。

My dad wasn't pompous. He was a kind, polite man but, like many of his generation, he was quite formal and well-mannered. He wore a tie even when he was digging the garden. His dignity was important to him.

我的父亲身上没有一丝傲气，他是一个善良而有礼貌的绅士。和那一代的许多人一样，他总是不苟言笑、彬彬有礼。即便是在花园锄地，他也总是系着领带。对他而言，尊严无比重要。

So when one of my mum's friends called to visit as he was watching TV, he knew it was his duty to stand up as a lady entered the room. Unfortunately, as he did so his trousers fell down around his ankles.

有一次，我妈妈的一位朋友打电话说要来拜访。她走进屋子时，我父亲正在看电视。他总是认为，当有女士到来时，自己应该站起来以示尊重。不幸的是，就在他起身的那一刻，他的裤子掉到脚踝附近。

I can't remember how he reacted because I was temporarily blinded by tears of laughter - but it's a fair bet that he cringed at the thought of that incident for months, if not years, afterwards.

我不记得他当时是如何反应的，因为我笑得眼泪汪汪——但我可以肯定，在几个月、甚至是几年之后，他仍会对这个意外感到难堪。

Since arriving in China last year I have had a couple of dignity-tarnishing incidents.

去年来到中国后，我经历了几件很丢面子的事情。

Imagining a Chinese online bank account to be something like its British equivalent, I arranged to set one up. But when I was paid a month later, I couldn't access the account on my laptop.

我以为中国的网上银行账号功能和英国的类似，于是我开通了一个账号。但是一个月后，当我准备付款时，发现自己无法从笔记本电脑上访问我的银行帐户。

So I contacted the ubiquitous "Chinese-speaking friend" and she agreed to take me to the bank to sort things out.

所以我联系了一位随叫随到的“说中国话的朋友”，她同意带我去银行解决这个问题。

"Bring your documents and computer," she said.

“带上你的证件和电脑。 ”她说。

After doing a spot of grocery shopping, I popped my brand-new laptop into my swish new backpack and headed off to the bank.

我先去了杂货店买了些东西，然后把崭新的笔记本电脑放到我全新的时髦背包里，之后就去了银行。

A small crowd gathered as my friend explained my predicament to bank officials and they asked to see my documents and computer. I unzipped my backpack, pulled out the laptop and found it was covered with a strange gooey mess that was dripping everywhere.

在我的朋友向银行人员解释我的困境时，有几个银行职员围过来，要求查看我的证件和电脑。我拉开背包拉链，拿出笔记本电脑，发现上面覆盖着一个破碎的鸡蛋，蛋液滴得到处都是。

I realized then that I hadn't removed a bag of eggs from my bag before putting the laptop in. As a large omelette formed on the floor and people rushed about with mops, I blushed with embarrassment.

我意识到，在把笔记本电脑放进背包以前，有一袋鸡蛋在里面没有拿出来。地板上滴了一大片蛋液，好像在煎鸡蛋饼一样。人们拿着拖把冲了上去，我红着脸，十分尴尬。

On another recent occasion, I got in the lift to my apartment with anattractive Australian lady. Feeling quite the urbane expatriate, I struck up a conversation with her during the elevator ride. We both got out and she headed for her apartment, which was opposite mine.

最近还有一次，我与一位迷人的澳大利亚女士一起乘坐公寓的电梯。在电梯间里我和她搭话，感觉自己真是个彬彬有礼、机智从容的外国人。我们一起下了电梯，她走向自己的公寓——就在我的对面。

"Oh, you're our new neighbor," she said.

“哦，你是我们的新邻居。”她说。

I tried to unlock my door. They key wouldn't fit. No surprise really. Mr. Smooth had got out on the wrong floor.

我试图打开门。但钥匙插不进去。毫无意外，真的。这位彬彬有礼、机智从容的先生下错了楼层。

I wish I could forget one particularly horrible embarrassment.

有件特别尴尬的事我真希望我能忘记。

My wife, son and I were on holiday in Bulgaria.

我和妻子、儿子在保加利亚度假。

As we sat beside the hotel pool, life felt good. It was hot, sunny, I'd had a swim. As I reclined on my sun lounger, slightly tipsy, I was feeling quite pleased with myself. It was a lovely place to be. So very quiet, so tranquil.

我们坐在酒店泳池边，感觉生活非常美好。天气很热，我刚游过泳。当时我躺在太阳椅上，微醺，感到很满足。这里真是一个可爱的地方，如此宁静。

Then, during that quiet moment, without any effort on my part, I broke wind. Not quietly - it was the loudest sound of its type I'd ever heard. That anyone had ever heard, judging by the peals of laughter that rang out as a chuckling sea of international faces looked in my direction.

然后，丢脸的时刻来了。我放屁了，甚至没有给身体任何阻止它的机会。不止如此，还是用我听过的最响亮的那种方式完成的。可能没有人听过如此响亮的声音，周围的人哄堂大笑，众多国际友人笑呵呵地朝着我的方向看过来。

I was suntanned but there was still room on my face for an extra layer of crimson as I tried to remain nonchalant in the aftermath of the horror that had just occurred.

我在这恐怖的尴尬中努力装成若无其事的样子。我的皮肤早就晒成了古铜色，但显然还是可以看出，我的脸变得通红。

My family still tease me about it a decade or so later: "Even the Germans were laughing," they say.

十年之后，我的家人还在为这件事笑我，“连德国人都在笑。”他们笑道。

The Brits have a name for mishap-prone people like me. They are 'wallies'.

英国人给我这种倒霉不断的人起了个名字 —— “沃利”（Wally是一个常见的英语名字，有“废物，笨蛋”的意思）。

And now I'm the Great Wally of China.

现在，我成了中国的沃利。

Broadcaster：Greg Fountain