【我的中国故事】惹上警察

  约翰·布姆

Blame it perhaps on me being a "stupid American," content to be blissfully unaware of theo utside world around me, or maybe it's my overactive imagination, or perhaps better yet, it is simply a case of me having seen too many Hollywood portrayals of innocent tourists beingruthlessly tossed into foreign gulags and made to talk by a fellow of ill repute, rank of sweat, body bulging with muscles and a conspicuous absence of a neck, regardless, it doesn't matter where you are in the world, it is never a good idea to run afoul of the police. China is no exception. While here, not once, but twice, I have had my heart stopped by such encounters. Am I some lawless reprobate, some vicious renegade? No. I am a university English teacher.

My first myocardial episode of ventricular fibrillation, i.e. A blood draining minor heart attack, was some weeks back, about 7 o'clock at night. I am enjoying the serene quietude of my domicile. I think I was doing something mundane like making miniature Huangshans out of my stacks of grades I had yet to complete. However, my time wasting reverie was brutallyinterrupted by a violent slamming on my door. Curious to see who or what so demanded my presence at such an hour, I cautiously made my way to my portcullis and trepidly peered through yonder peep hole. Perplexed, a pallor permeated my complexion. Rigidly at attention before my front door stood a police captain in full crisp dress blue with my landlady by his side. Come what may, most uncertain of what was going on I threw open my door to ascertain to the best of my ability what on Earth could the matter be? Much to my surprise and palpitating heart’s contentment, the police officer was reporting that he had found my missing USB jumpdrive. He had been selected for this particular assignment, not because of his exemplar rank, but that he spoke the best English. I thanked him and returned to normal breathing some time later.

This was my first run in with the law, my second was equally panic inducing. I was returning home from an intense game of ping-pong. What I mean by intense, is that I was leaping,running, and diving for every ball always a fraction of a second late while my opponent calmly proceeded to barrage me with stinging swarms of oddly spinning projectiles. Invigorated after the intense match I was walking back to my door when I saw a police car with full lights and sirens blazing. At first, I didn’t think much of it assuming that they were just out on their nightly patrol. It wasn’t until the vehicle stopped exactly where I stood and two guards stepped smartly out and officiously and expeditiously trode directly toward me. My autonomic nervous system kicked in and immediately turned on the fright section of my fright or flight response. I was petrified. I have a much better understanding of what an ungulate goes through in the presence of oncoming traffic. All I could do was stand there, firmly affixed in place, my eyeswide like proverbial saucers. My brain running like a frantic hamster, firing like lightning reviewing everything I had ever done since entering China. I could think of nothing that would merit a pair of policemen to come bounding toward me on a late Tuesday evening. The only advice my inner voice could think to offer was "Whatever you do don't run! You didn't do anything. Don't run." Seeing two Chinese police officers sprinting in your general direction when you are the only one around is a terrifying, nerve wracking experience that makes you want to change your shorts. The entire time my heart was quivering rather than beating, it was like a puppy hiding under the rug waiting for the storm to pass. When finally the police arrived they took their no parking sign and left.

或许可以怪我是“美国笨蛋”，弄不清周围情况却也心满意足，或许是我想象力太过丰富，或者更好的想法是，仅仅是我看过太多好莱坞大片，里面讲述无辜游客被无情地扔进外国监狱，遭受一群声名狼藉、满身脏汗、肌肉肿胀、甚至看不见脖子的警员拷问，无论如何，不管你在世界何方，惹上警察绝对不是个好主意。在中国也不例外。因为在中国，我就遇上了紧张地心都快停止跳动的情况，不止一次，还是两次。你问我是不是目无法纪的恶棍，是不是堕落的叛逆者？不。我是大学英语教师。

我第一次小心脏都要抖三抖的情形，是在几周前的一天，晚上7点左右。那一次我甚至感觉心肌衰弱，一种血液流失的轻微心脏病。我正享受着家中的安静氛围。回想起来，我那时正在做一些很普通的事

这是我第一次与法律正面接触，然而第二次情形也让我同样惊慌失措。当时我刚刚打完激烈的乒乓球赛，然后往家走。我说这个比赛激烈，是说在眨眼的功夫里我得又蹦又跑，扑向每个球，而我的对手非常淡定，不断用古怪的旋转球“轰炸”我。激烈的比赛过后，我精力充沛往家门口走去，突然，看到一辆警车闪着警灯，鸣着警笛。刚开始，我也没想太多，想着可能是他们正在进行夜间巡逻。直到警车准准地停在我面前，两名警卫敏捷地下了车，迅速向我走来。我下意识地神经紧张起来，做好了作战准备。当时我惊呆了。我现在更理解动物们在面对车流时是什么感觉。我只能站在那儿，一动也不能动，我的眼睛瞪得像碟子那么大。我就像受惊的仓鼠，迅速而慌乱地回想我来到中国后做过的每一件事。可是我就是想不到哪件事值得两个警察在周二的深夜将我团团围住。我内心深处的唯一一个声音告诉我“不管做啥，千万别跑！你没做坏事。不用跑。”眼睁睁地看着两个中国警察向你所在的方向迅速跑过来，而周围一个人也没有，这种经历让人很恐惧，感觉神经经受着极大的摧残。整个这段时间我的心脏压根不是在跳动，而是在颤抖，感觉就像小狗狗抖抖索索地藏在地毯下面等待暴风雨结束。最后警察过来了，却仅仅是取走了“禁止泊车”的标识然后离开了。