父亲的拥抱 In Praise of Hugs

Growing up at a distance – geographical and emotional – from her chilly father meant Katherine Burdett always doubted his feelings for her. Until his final few days…

从小到大，不论是平日接触还是情感交流，Katherine Burdett对冷漠的父亲总有疏离感，致使她常常怀疑父亲对自己的感情，直到父亲弥留之际……

I grew up bereft of hugs. Neither of my parents was the cuddly type. Greetings involving kissing caused me to wince, and hugging generally just made me feel awkward.

我的成长过程中没有拥抱，因为我的父母都不是喜欢拥抱的人。寒暄时的亲吻让我畏缩，而拥抱则会使我陷入尴尬。

Then one hug changed all that. One month before my 40th birthday my dad had heart surgery. As he came round, days later, he grabbed me and hugged me so hard I had to push with all my might to keep my head from pressing down on his newly stitched torso.

而后来的一个拥抱将一切彻底改变。我40岁生日前的那个月父亲接受了心脏手术。几天后，当他苏醒过来时，他抓着我并紧紧地拥抱了我，他是如此用力以至于我使了好大力气才推离他的身体，而那上面有着新近才缝合的创口。

It was a hug to make up for all those we had never had. Days later as he slowly started to gain strength he told me for the first time ever that he loved me, and through my tears I told him I loved him too.

这个拥抱弥补了一切我们所不曾拥有的。几天后，他开始慢慢恢复体力，然后有生以来第一次他告诉我他爱我，我泪流满面，对他说我也爱他。

I began planning how to bake him better – with carrot cakes, victoria sponges, jelly and ice cream. My maternal streak kicked in and I fantasised about wheeling him through the park and feeding him home-made goodies. Then he died.

我开始计划着如何用萝卜糕、果酱夹层蛋糕、果酱和奶油为他烘焙更美味的各式点心。我的母性气质急剧爆发，我幻想推着坐着轮椅的他在公园漫步，请他品尝自制小点。可是不久他过世了。

I felt cheated. All my life I had wondered whether my dad cared for me and loved me – I doubted it. Just as I got proof that he did, he passed away.

我有种受骗的感觉。迄今为止，我一直在质疑父亲是否关心我、爱我。而当我刚刚得到答案时，他却离我而去了。

My parents split up when I was two years old and, while I had monthly contact with my dad, my bitter stepmother and my father's old-fashioned stiff upper lip meant we never became close. In fact, I used to dread the visits to see him and count the hours until I could go home again.

在我两岁时父母离婚了，之后每个月我都会和父亲见次面，而我那位尖刻的后母以及父亲那老式而僵硬的话语注定了我们永远无法亲近彼此。事实上，我一直很怕跟父亲见面，每次都数着时间盼着能早点回家。

When I was very little the weekends at my father's house felt cold and unfriendly. During my teens the trips to a hostile house became a dread on the horizon for weeks beforehand. Each stay culminated in an uncomfortable peck on the cheek from Dad as he said goodbye – a moment I cringed about for hours in advance.

当我还很小的时候，那些在父亲家度过的周末让人感到冷淡而不友好。而在我青少年时期，去拜访那个不友好的家就意味着在那之前提早来临的几个礼拜的担心和恐惧。每次父亲和我道别时都会在我脸颊留下匆匆一吻，那让人不舒服，因而每每在此之前几小时我就开始害怕。

And yet standing beside the hospital bed watching the life ebb from my sleeping father was painful. I felt like a little girl at his bedside, unable to talk to him yet again. I became fixated with his fingers – fat and soft, lying gently curled beside him. Slowly they transformed from plump sausages to stone – white and immovable. It was his fingers that told me he had gone from this life, not the bleeping of monitors or the bustling of nursing staff.

然而，站在医院的病床边看着沉睡的父亲生命垂危，这让我痛苦不已。我觉得自己像个小姑娘，在他的床边，却无法再次和他说话。我注视着他的手指 - 肥厚而柔软，卷曲着放在他身旁。慢慢地，它们的颜色由红润转为苍白，并且不再动弹。这告诉我他已离开了人世，而此刻监视器的嘈杂声响和护士的忙乱已不能再说明什么。

Losing a father whom you have no recollection of ever living with is difficult. Grieving is tricky; I didn't have any obvious close father-daughter memories to cling to and mull and cry over. Most of my memories were of stilted meetings and uncomfortable times together. But I desperately missed him being alive.

若你连丝毫和父亲一起生活过的记忆都没有，那么失去他必定很煎熬。悲痛让人难以捉摸；父亲和我之间没有什么亲密相处的记忆让我留恋、冥想或恸哭。我的大多记忆是一些让人别扭的碰面和不自在的共处时光。然而现在我是多么怀念他在世的日子啊。

As time moved on my grief and anger at his untimely death began to recede. I realised that his affirmation of me from his deathbed had filled a gaping hole of insecurity I had constantly carried around.

时光荏苒，父亲过早离世带给我的悲伤和气愤开始逐渐减弱。而我也意识到父亲在临终病床上给我的肯定让常年困扰着我的不安全感烟消云散。

To a child a hug says so many things. It tells you that the person hugging you loves you, cares for you. A hug also confirms that you are a lovable being. Months after Dad's death I realised with a jolt that his lack of hugs said more about him than me. My father was not a demonstrative man and I was, therefore, perhaps, a lovable being.

拥抱对一个孩子来说意味着很多。它表示拥抱你的那个人爱你、关心你。同时它也证明你是个讨人喜欢的孩子。父亲过世几个月后，我猛然意识到父亲很少拥抱别人更多是性格所致。他不是个善于表达的人，所以……可能……我是父亲喜欢的孩子。

Once I digested this insight my feelings changed from those of a needy child to ones of a very proud daughter. Looking at my father more objectively allowed me to view him clearly: he was a man of few words; he was intelligent, kind and extremely modest. Ironically I began to feel closer to him in death than I had while he was alive.

一旦我领悟了这点，我感觉自己一下从一个贪婪的小孩变成了一个骄傲的女儿。更客观地看待父亲让我更透彻地了解他：他是个少言寡语的人；他很聪明、善良而且极其谦虚。让人讽刺的是，我甚至开始觉得我和他现在的关系比他生前时更亲密。

With this new-found wisdom came the freedom to give up trying so very hard to gain the affections of others and to concentrate on finding me. I shattered the family taboo of silence about the break-up of my parents' marriage. I also felt the need to speak out about the detrimental effect I felt my step-parents had had on my life.

这个新发现的人生智慧为我重新诠释了自由的定义，我不会再费尽艰辛地去赢取他人的欢心，更不会再以自我为中心。我打破了家人对父母破碎婚姻三缄其口的家庭禁忌。我也觉得有必要大声告诉我的继父母他们曾对我的生活造成的不利影响。

In some ways the consequences have been quite dire and I no longer have contact with my mother. However, Dad's hug had a profound effect on me. It carried me along a path from childhood to adulthood. At last I am my own woman and one who loves nothing better than a good old-fashioned hug.

在某些方面，这可能会造成非常可怕的后果，以致后来母亲和我断了联系。 然而，父亲的拥抱对我有着深远的影响。它带着我走过了从孩童到成人的心路历程。最终，我找到了属于自己的真正自我， 而我同时也是一个最爱老式拥抱的女人。