永远别对自恋狂说这些话

Talking to a narcissist-someone who has an inflated (and immovable) sense of self-worth-is like tiptoeing through a minefield. Every word you utter has the potential to detonate the conversation into a full-on argument.

和自恋者聊天--自我价值感膨胀的人--就像在困境中涉险过关。你所说的每一个词都可能将你们的对话变成剑拔弩张的局面。

It's not you. (Really.) People who are narcissistic "are not good at regulating emotions, and do not manage frustration well," explains Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. "They're more like 3-year-olds than adults; they don't tolerate any strong emotions well."

不是你。真的。自恋狂"不擅长调节情绪，也无法很好地控制沮丧之情，"Ramani Durvasula博士解释道，她还是位持证临床心理学家，以及《何去何从：与自恋者的恋情》（Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist）一书的作者。"他们的表现不像是成年人，倒像是三岁的小宝宝；他们无法忍受任何强烈的情绪。"

And like a tired, cranky 3-year-old, the end result is a massive (and unpleasant) tantrum. "Narcissists often control people through these tantrums because their rage can be so worrisome or downright frightening that everyone gives in to them," says Durvasula.

就像一个疲倦的、脾气暴躁的3岁孩子，最后的结果就是大发脾气，令人不快。"自恋狂经常通过发脾气控制他人，因为他们的愤怒可能会引人担忧，或者令人恐惧，以至于大家都屈服了，"Durvasula说道。

If you're trying to keep the peace (or just your own peace of mind), here's what to never say to a narcissist.

如果你想维持和平（或者保持自己内心的平静），那千万别对自恋者说这些话。

"I wouldn't have done it that way"

"我不会那么做"

Even if you're using this as a preface to constructive criticism, a narcissist will only hear that they didn't do something right and you could do it better-"and that threatens their sense of self-esteem twice," says Durvasula. "Anything that smacks of criticism and also lifts someone else into a positive light is intolerable to them."

即使这只是你建设性批评的前言，自恋者也不愿听到这样的话--他们做错了，而你却可以做得更好--"这会威胁到他们的自尊，两次，"Durvasul说道。"任何批评他们、积极赞扬另一个人的话语对他们来说都是不能忍的。"

"You're wrong"

"你错了"

Narcissists do not do well with head-on confrontation, says Durvasula. And since they're bullies at heart, "they're scrappier and dirtier fighters than most of us," she warns. This doesn't mean that you have to hold your tongue. Instead, try a gentler tack, such as, "I hear you, but I see it a little differently...."

自恋狂不善于正面对抗，Durvasul说道。既然他们内心住着恶霸，"他们实际上比我们大多数人都更肮脏、更凶狠，"她警告称。这并不是说你必须保持缄默。相反，你可以婉转一点，比如，"我知道你的意思，但我的想法和你稍有不同……"

"What's the matter with you?"

"你怎么回事？"

Ask the question as much as you want in your head, but resist the urge to blurt it out. "Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and never like being viewed as 'less than,' even though that's how they leave everyone else feeling," says Durvasula. (And let's be honest-asking this of anyone will put them on the defensive.)

你可以在脑海里尽情提问，但一定要抑制问出口的冲动。"自恋狂的自尊心很脆弱，不喜欢被人看低，尽管他们给我们的感觉的确如此，"Durvasul说道。（说实话--这句话会让任何人处于防守状态。）