硬技术文：怎样正确地跟爱人争财产？

You will inevitably fight with your spouse over money. Here's how to avoid disaster.

你将不可避免地得跟爱人争家产，我们来手把手教你如何避免灾难。

With apologies to the romantics, on the other side of "I do" are a few incontrovertible truths about your new life together: You will fight. Money will be a big reason. It doesn't have to spell disaster.

虽然这样说会破坏婚姻的浪漫感，但“我愿意”的另一面是一个无可争议的事实：你们之间会有战争。金钱会是其中的一个大原因。但也不一定就会演变成灾难。

So how to hash it out in a healthy way? The answer involves having a few key discussions before any conflicts arise, as well as learning some strategies for when you're in the thick of it:

我们该如何用健全的方法处理这个问题呢？这个问题的回答包括了在冲突发生前可以进行几次重要的讨论，和学习一些策略以备不时之需。

1. Have an open conversation about your financial attitudes and past experiences with money.

畅谈你对财务问题的态度以及过去的理财经验。

If you know that your partner grew up in a house where money was tight, or came from an upper-middle-class family that privileged comforts and never discussed budgeting, you'll be in a better position to understand their perspective and behavior when friction does arise.

如果你知道你的配偶是在一个金钱相对紧缺的家庭中长大，或是来自一个只优先考虑舒适度而不考虑经济预算的中产偏上阶级的家庭，你就能在摩擦产生时更好地设身处地地理解他们的想法和行为。

2. Have a goal-setting conversation.

一起讨论制定目标。

"It's a good reality check for a couple to sit down once a year, no matter where they are on the financial spectrum, and discuss what they are working toward," legal expert Ann-Margaret Carrozza told Forbes. Couples should also talk about how their big-picture goals realistically will affect everyday spending.

“无论夫妻两人的财政情况处于哪个范围，每年一次坐下来面对面的交流可以对家庭现状进行很好地反思，也能讨论他们接下来努力的方向，”法律专家Ann-Margaret Carrozza在《福布斯》上说道。夫妻也应该谈谈他们的大目标是如何影响他们的日常开支的。

3. Set a household budget and review your finances together once a month.

做到每月一次制定家庭预算并审查你们的财务状况。

Budgets not only effectively help you to track money, but also can prevent conflict by setting clear boundaries for spending and keeping both partners apprised of where their money is going.

预算不仅能有效帮助你追踪钱的去向，它还能划清消费的边界，使夫妻双方都明白钱花到哪里去了，这样一来就能避免冲突。

4. Know when to step away from a fight, but don't take too long.

知道什么时候要冷静下来暂停吵架，但不要花太长时间。

So your spouse has brought up your surprise big-screen TV purchase and the discussion quickly gets heated. It's okay to take some time to cool off, but don't go for more than a day without touching base.

比如说，你的另一半吃惊地发现你买了个大屏电视，于是来跟你理论，然后话题迅速升温。这个时候花一些时间去冷静下来是挺好，但不要花超过一天的时间不联系对方。

5. Disagree agreeably.

委婉地表达你的不同意。

Avoid judgment, nitpicking, and exaggerations (it helps to eliminate "always" and "never" — as in, "you always feel the need to buy the latest electronics!" — from your vocabulary). This also means respecting one another's opinion. Disrespect breeds disrespect. If you ask your spouse why he thinks it's important that he spends money on something, and while he's answering, you cut him off, don't expect to be able to finish your own thoughts during the conversation."

避免贴标签、吹毛求疵和夸大之词（这会有助于从你的词汇表里消除一些像“总是”和“从不”一样的极端词汇——比如在对话“你总是觉得自己必须买最新的电子产品！”）这也意味着要尊重对方的想法。一方的不尊重会催生另一方的不尊重。当你问你的配偶为什么一定要花钱买某样东西的时候，如果你在他回答的时候打断了他，那就别期望你能够在你自己说话时不被打断完整地表达你的观点。

6. Stick to the topic at hand.

把注意力集中在当前遇到的问题。

It's easy for fights to spiral out of control whether by turning into a rehash of past problems or prompting a rundown of related concerns (or both). But getting sidetracked will make it nearly impossible to resolve the issue that's in front of you. Similarly, don't turn your spouse into the enemy; you're not there to attack them, but rather to talk through a specific problem.

当你们讨论一个问题时，无论是转变成谈陈年旧账还是不相关事件全都拿出来谈，都容易使吵架进入失控的状态。话题一旦跑偏，解决问题就会变得十分困难。类似地，不要把你的另一半变成敌人；你的目的不是要攻击他们，而是要讨论一个具体的问题。

7. Accept your partner's differences and find a compromise.

接纳与你配偶间的差异并做出让步。

Help one another get into a compromising mindset through listening and validation. Repeat back to your spouse what he or she has said, so they know they've been heard, and truly try to empathize with their point of view. Helping your partner feel understood can help relieve defensiveness so you can move together toward resolution. As for what that resolution looks like, don't be afraid of compromise.

在聆听和确认的过程中帮助对方形成一个让步的心态。重复你的伴侣说了什么，这样他们就会知道你已经听到了他们所说的，也能够真正地理解他们的想法。让你的配偶感受到被理解能够帮助缓解他们的防御心理，你们也因此能够聚到一起讨论解决方法。至于最后的解决方法是什么样，不要害怕妥协。