SAT作文修改实例(三)

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.

　　- Walter Cronkite

　　Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that its necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).

　　习作修改

　　学生习作(第一段)

　　语言修改

　　People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　本段评点

　　许多学生过多地使用了therefore和thus. 这样的词是用来得出结论的。很多人只看有利的一面而忽视不利的一面这句话中用而或者并且连接两个分句，而不可以使用 therefore, thus, as a result 等表达。这样导致问题这两个方面的逻辑关系混乱，其实并不是因为人们只看有利面而导致忽视不利一面这个结果。

　　学生习作(第二段)

　　语言修改

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago.

　　本段评点

　　文章这个例子的叙述过于细节化，显得有些琐碎，这也导致这个例子用了三段来叙述，占了大量的篇幅和写作时间，使得作者可能无法再写个例子。另外，这段中的句式也缺少变化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一个谓语这样的结构。

　　学生习作(第三段)

　　语言修改

　　Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.

　　Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

　　本段评点

　　这段第一句提到在我们做决定之前确实调查了搬迁后可能面临的困难，这与第一段的论点出现了一些抵触。第一段说作者是想用自己亲身的这个例子说明做决定不应该忽视消极的一面，而这里作者又说并未忽视呀!这使得这个例子不那么有说服力了。

　　学生习作(第四段)

　　语言修改

　　However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.

　　However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.

　　本段评点

　　这个简单的故事其实用一段话就全部写完了，不用分成三段。它作为一篇文章中几个例子中的一个是可以的，但是如果作为唯一的例子，难以全面深刻地探讨作文的题目。从而导致读者感觉文章的论证不充分，那么论点也就不堪一击了。

　　其次，这段作者说从农村搬到城市后觉得城市disaster的原因是空气污染和晚上睡不好觉。把空气污染作为理由是可以接受的，但说城市喧嚣每天晚上睡不好觉也有点牵强，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜总会，否则应该没那么严重。