用猎头的方式寻找你的白马王子

Here's the #1 question I get from women readers: How can I have a successful career and a happy family? Many of these readers already are successful in their careers. What they＊re really asking is how to also have a happy family.

女性读者向我问得最多的问题是──如何能既拥有成功的事业又拥有幸福的家庭？她们中的很多人已经在事业上获得成功了，她们实际上要问的是如何同时获得一个幸福的家庭。

This is a very new question for us. For centuries, women's careers were our family. Our career was 'caregiver.' We lived to please our fathers, our husbands, our sons. In return for our service, we received a lifetime guarantee of stability and security.

对我们女性而言，这是一个非常新的问题。许多世纪以来，女人的职业就是“照顾家人。我们活着是为了取悦父亲、丈夫以及儿子。我们为他人服务，获得的回报是一生安稳的保障。

But today that bargain has vanished. We're still doing our part by serving our families. But for many if not most, marriage now is a source of deep insecurity.

然而，这种“交易如今已经消失。虽然我们依然在履行照顾家人的职责，但对许多人来说（如果不是大多数人的话），婚姻正成为巨大的不安全感的来源。

Most young marriages now end in divorce

大多数年轻人的婚姻如今以离婚告终

No one enters a marriage thinking, 'Someday we'll hate each other,' but that's been precisely the experience of most of China's born-post-1980 generation. The Ministry of Civil Affairs reports that by 2005, the divorce rate for this generation already had reached 57 percent.

在步入婚姻殿堂时，没有人会抱着这种想法──“有一天我们会厌恶对方，但这正是中国大多数80后一代的经历。根据民政部的统计，2005年时，80后的离婚率就已经达到了57%。

For the first time in Chinese history, a generation of children now is growing up in broken households. Women often suffer greatly during divorce, but at least we can take charge of our lives and move on. Our children, on the other hand, cannot. When divorce occurs, they're victims in the truest sense.

中国历史上首次出现了在破碎家庭中长大的一代儿童。女性在离婚期间常常遭受巨大的痛苦，但至少我们可以掌控自己的生活然后继续向前。然而，我们的孩子却不能。在离婚事件中，他们才是真正意义上的受害者。

The impacts on children of divorce can last a lifetime. I happen to know this first-hand, since I was born in America in 1969, and it was in the 1970s that divorce first exploded in America as is happening now in China. My generation was the first to grow up as the children of divorce. While my own parents stayed together, over the years I've seen the impact on my friends of their parents' divorces. Their own divorce rate is exceptionally high. Many have grown up afraid to love and fearful of life's possibilities.

离婚对孩子的影响可能会持续一生，我恰好对此有直接的了解。我1969年在美国出生，正如中国现在的情况一样，上世纪70年代正是离婚潮首次在美国爆发之时。我们那一代人是第一代成长在离异家庭的孩子。虽然我的父母一直都在一起生活，但那些年我还是目睹了父母离异对一些朋友的影响。后来，他们自己的离婚率也特别高。许多人长大后不敢去爱，惧怕生活中的种种可能。

Future generations can suffer such cascading impacts even when parents don't divorce but stay together in troubled marriages. Today, half of American young adults whose parents stayed together said they may have been better off if their parents actually had divorced! What a heartbreaking situation for parents and children alike.

后来的几代人，即便父母没有离婚而是维系着问题重重的婚姻，他们也会遭受这样一连串的影响。如今，父母还在一起的美国年轻人中有一半人声称，要是他们的父母真的离婚了，他们或许会过得更好。这对父母和孩子来说都是令人心碎的境况。

Women bear most of the costs and risks of parenting

女性承担抚养孩子的大部分成本与风险

Compared with previous generations, today's husbands are doing much more of the housework and spending much more time with the kids. And yet we still have a long way to go to achieve equality.

与以往几代人相比，现在丈夫们做的家务要多得多，而且也花更多时间和孩子呆在一起。即便如此，要实现平等依然还有很长的一段路要走。

Women still do most of the housework and childrearing. For most, motherhood means we get two full-time jobs rather than one.

女性依然承担大部分家务和养育孩子的事情。对大多数女性来说，成为母亲就意味著有两份而不是一份全职工作要做。

So, to women who want both a successful career and a happy family: The only way to 'have it all' is not to try to do it all yourself.

因此，对于那些想兼顾成功事业与幸福家庭的女性，若想“得到一切，唯一的方法就是不要凡事都亲自去做。

Step #1 to achieving a happy family: Marry a man you love, who loves you, who is committed to being your partner, in all aspects of your lives.

获得幸福家庭的第一步：与一个你爱他、他也爱你，而且他也愿意在各个方面都成为你的伙伴的男人结婚。

Do not marry just to marry

不要为了结婚而结婚

This means that you'll need to push back against society's pressure to hurry up and marry just anyone. When you don't have a boyfriend, they ask 'Why don't you have a boyfriend?' When you have a boyfriend, they ask 'When are you getting married?' When you do get married, it's 'When are you having babies?'

不为了结婚而结婚，意味着你需要反抗来自社会层面的催婚压力。当你没有男朋友时，别人会问“你怎么没有男朋友？如果你有男朋友，他们会问“你打算什么时候结婚？当你已经结婚了，他们又会问“你打算什么时候要孩子？

I've seen friends marry for the right reasons, and I've seen friends marry the nearest guy when their alarm clock goes off at the age when they think should be married.

我见过一些朋友因为正确的原因而结婚，也见过朋友在到了她们认为应当结婚的年龄时，便随便与关系最亲近的男人结了婚。

In this way, the leftover-woman stigma wreaks havoc with women's lives. It hurries us into marriage-for-the-sake-of-marriage. The inevitable result is a society full of loveless marriages and extramarital affairs, leading us and our children into lives of financial, emotional and spiritual insecurity.

“剩女的标签对女性生活造成了巨大的伤害，它催促我们为了结婚而结婚。这不可避免地打造了一个充满无爱婚姻与婚外情的社会，使我们和我们的孩子陷入经济、情感和心理上都不安全的生活状态。

In defense of Chinese men

为中国男人辩护

Recently I was on Beijing TV when a glamorous 40-something Chinese guy informed me that my views on family are unrealistic and un-Chinese. Because, he explained, 40-something Chinese guys only want 20-something women who will idolize them.

我曾参加北京电视台的一档节目，当时一名富有魅力的40多岁中国男人批评我的家庭观不切实际，不是中国式的观点。他解释说，因为40多岁的中国男人只喜欢把他们视为偶像的20多岁的女孩。

I disagree with his assessment. To the contrary, my conversations with Chinese men make me optimistic about the future for men and women in China.

我对他的评判并不认同。相反，我与一些中国男性的谈话让我对中国男性与女性的未来充满乐观。

While I've met only a small fraction of all the men in China, the men I've met are extraordinarily thoughtful and interesting, and searching for the same things women are. As in: a good life and a wonderful partner with whom to share that life. And children, who are happy and well-prepared for life.

虽然我只遇见过很少的中国男性，但至少我遇见的这些男性都极有想法，人也有趣，与女性追寻的是同样的东西，比如，美好的生活以及一个与其共享这段生活的伴侣。至于孩子，则希望他们快乐，为未来生活做好准备。

Are there some Chinese men only interested in being the objects of women's worship? Sure. But if we as women demand mutual respect and partnership, those men eventually will have to come around or be left alone.

有没有中国男人只对成为女性的崇拜目标感兴趣？当然会有。但是，如果女性要求互相尊重与合作的话，那么这些男性最终也不得不做出改变，否则他就会成为孤家寡人。

Be a headhunter

成为一名猎头

Most men are cautious about marriage. They're afraid of being trapped with the wrong partner. So today, we have a system where men do the choosing, and women wait, hope, and sometimes, scheme, to be chosen. But since women bear most of the risks of marriage and parenting, we need to be at least as cautious as men.

大多数男人都对婚姻持谨慎态度，他们害怕被错误的人生伴侣所困。当今的情况是，进行选择的是男人，而女人只是等待。不过，由于女性承担着婚姻与养育孩子的大部分风险，我们至少应该像男人一样谨慎。

Become a headhunter for your Mr. Right. This analogy is close to me because for seven years, I worked as a professional headhunter, finding CEOs and other top executives for global companies. And the funny thing is, being a headhunter taught me how to choose my Mr. Right!

要用猎头的方式去寻找自己的Mr. Right。这很接近于我的情况，我已经作了七年的职业猎头，为跨国企业寻找CEO和其他高管。有趣的是，猎头的工作教会了我如何选择自己的Mr. Right。

Many career women agonize over every career choice, and yet sail almost at random into boyfriend relationships. But that's an upside-down way to approach our lives. We're now living through massive economic change, and that means that over the years, we'll have good jobs and bad jobs, good bosses and horrible bosses, we will work for good companies and bad companies.

许多职业女性会为每一个职业选择殚精竭虑，对于找男朋友却几乎持一种随意草率的态度。这种做法是以一种颠倒的方式对待生活。如今我们正经历巨大的经济变革，这意味着我们既会找到好工作，也有不好的工作，既会碰到好老板，也会碰到极其讨厌的老板，我们既会为优秀的企业工作，也会在一家差公司工作。

When it comes to our careers, as long as we're growing every day, we can turn any career mistake into a learning experience.

关于我们的事业，只要我们每天都在成长，那么我们就可以将任何一个职业错误转变成一个学习经验。

But marriage is a forever decision. The fact is, for most women today, the major potentially devastating mistake available to us the consequences of which can wreck our lives and the lives of our future children, is the choice of whom we marry.

但是，婚姻是一个永恒的决定。对当今大多数女性来说，在选择与谁结婚的问题上，我们会犯可能具有毁灭性的错误，错误的选择会毁掉我们以及未来孩子们的生活。

This is the most important decision of your life

婚姻是你一生当中最重要的决定

So, relax about your career decisions, and focus on not bungling the big one. Now, not only can you choose your man, but you must.

因此，对于你的职业决定要看淡些，要把主要精力放在不要搞砸婚姻这个大决定上。现在，你可以选择你的丈夫，而且你也必须这么做。

Every headhunter knows that for any search to be successful, you need: lots of candidates! So get out there, expand your social network, meet and make friends with lots of men, including those you think you'd never date. Because becoming friends with lots of interesting men, and women, is the best way to access the many candidates you need to successfully complete the most important search of your life.

每一位猎头都知道，要想获得成功，你需要许许多多的候选人。所以，你要走出去，扩大自己的社交圈子，与很多男性见面并和他们交朋友，包括那些你认为永远也不会和他们约会的男人。

Besides, headhunting is fun! Men and women think differently, and even just as friends, men can bring us lots of fun and new perspectives. And befriending lots of men, most just as friends, some as lovers, helps hone our headhunting skills, helping us understand what we need from a life partner.

此外，做猎头也非常有趣。男性与女性的思维方式不同，即使仅仅是作为朋友，男性也能为我们带来许多乐趣和新视角。而且，与很多男性做朋友（大多数只是普通朋友，一个作为情侣）也有助于我们了解自己需要从人生伴侣身上得到什么。

Marriage is life's most profound decision. Choose wisely. When you get this decision right, you'll be able to give your children the best possible gift: a family that's warm, happy and secure. They deserve that, you deserve that, and so does he.

婚姻是生活当中最重大的决定，你要做出明智的选择。如果你做出了正确的决定，那么你将给你的孩子带来或许是最珍贵的礼物──一个温馨、幸福、安稳的家。他们应该得到这些，你也应该得到，而且，你的丈夫也是如此。

Joy Chen

陈愉

本文作者陈愉是前洛杉矶华裔副市长、畅销书作家，著有《30岁前别结婚》。她与丈夫及两个女儿生活在洛杉矶。您可以通过www.joychenyu.com与她交流。文中所述仅代表她的个人观点。