老板就是不喜欢你 该要怎么办

Dear Annie: I’ve had my current job as a human resources manager for about a year-and-a-half, and everything was going fine until we got a new boss from outside the department. He seems to have a need to do everything himself. I’ve also come across instances where he has snooped behind my back to find out what I’ve been doing. Today, I found out he asked my admin for details of my attendance at the office, “just to check” on me.

亲爱的安妮：我从事目前人力资源经理的工作已有一年半时间，之前一切顺利，直到从其他部门空降来一位新老板。他似乎喜欢事必躬亲。我还在无意中发现，他居然暗中窥探我做的事情。今天，我发现他在向我的行政人员打听我的出勤情况，只是为了“查查”我。

At the same time, he is really nice to other members of my team, which leads me to conclude that, for some reason, he just doesn’t like me. In the beginning, I tried to build a rapport with him but, after being snubbed more than once, I just don’t want to make the effort any more. Is there anything I can do, besides find a new boss? — Odd Man Out

但与此同时，他对我的其他团队成员却非常友好。于是，我得出了这样一个结论：由于某些原因，他一定不喜欢我。最初，我曾尝试过与他建立和谐的关系，但不止一次的冷遇让我不想再付出任何努力。除了找一位新老板，我还能做些什么吗？——O.M.O.

Dear O.M.O.: You probably don’t want to hear this but, if you want to stay in this job, you’re going to have to keep trying. “This is hard, because you have to humble yourself a little and find a way to see things from this manager’s point of view,” says Karin Hurt, CEO of Baltimore-based executive coaching firm Let’s Grow Leaders. She wrote a book, Overcoming an Imperfect Boss: A Practical Guide to Building a Better Relationship with Your Boss, that you might find useful.

亲爱的O.M.O.：有句话或许你不爱听，但如果你希望继续当前的工作，恐怕还得努力尝试。巴尔的摩高管培训公司Let’s Grow Leaders的CEO卡琳o赫特说：“这种事很难，因为你必须放下身段，尽量从老板的角度来看待问题。”她曾写过一本书——《征服不完美的老板：如何与老板建立更好的关系》（Overcoming an Imperfect Boss: A Practical Guide to Building a Better Relationship with Your Boss），这本书或许会对你有用。

A good starting point: Assume nothing. The fact that this boss came in from the outside is significant, because it means he may be used to doing things in a different way. “A certain amount of micromanagement and what looks like ‘snooping’ may just be standard behavior in the organization he came from,” Hurt notes. “It’s annoying, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you.”

一个很好的起点是：不要做任何假设。你的老板来自外部，这个事实非常重要，因为这意味着他或许习惯了不同的工作方式。赫特说：“在他原先的部门，一定程度的微观管理和看起来像是‘窥探’的行为可能只是一种标准行为方式。虽然这种方式令人不快，但却并不意味着他一定不喜欢你。”

Try (again) to engage this boss in a conversation and “make it about you, not about him. What can you do differently that would help the two of you work better together?” Hurt points out that he may be going behind your back and asking others about your work because he isn’t hearing enough from you directly. “Ask what kind of information he wants or needs from you, and on what kind of schedule,” she suggests. Once you start delivering it, the “snooping” may stop.

（再次）尝试与这位老板进行对话，对话的主题应该是“你，而不是他。你能做出哪些改变，帮助双方更融洽地共事？”赫特指出，他背地里向其他人询问你的工作，可能只是因为从你这里直接听到的信息不够。她建议：“询问对方希望或需要你提供哪些信息，以及提供信息的时间安排。”只要你开始提供他需要的信息，“窥探”行为或许就会停止。

In Overcoming an Imperfect Boss, Hurt suggests a list of 10 questions you could ask—ideally in a casual setting (over lunch, for instance), but in a formal appointment at the office if need be. Two of the most important: “If your boss were to give me one piece of advice, what would it be?”; and “What could I be doing to make your job easier?” You might be surprised at the answers, and just making the effort to find out could be enough to win your boss over. Notes Hurt, “It’s hard to dislike someone who’s sincerely asking for feedback and advice.”

在《征服不完美的老板》一书中，赫特建议你可以提出十个问题——最好是在非正式场合（例如午餐时间），但如果有必要，也可以在办公室进行正式的约谈。其中两个最重要的问题是：“如果你的老板要给你一条建议，会是什么呢？”以及“我能做些什么来减轻你的工作负担？”问题的答案或许会令你大感意外，但光是为寻找答案付出的努力就足以帮你赢得老板的善意。赫特说：“人们很难对诚恳寻求反馈和建议的人心生厌恶。”

Let’s say you do that and nothing changes. Hurt suggests trying these three tactics.

假如你做了上面的努力，情况却没有丝毫改变。赫特建议尝试下面三种战术。

Make sure you’re terrific at your job. “You need to take a hard look at your own performance,” and even seek out honest feedback from peers, because “it’s hard to argue with success,” Hurt says. “We’ve all worked with people we weren’t crazy about, at one time or another, but great performance trumps everything.”

保证自己在工作上表现出色。赫特说：“应该密切关注自己的绩效，”甚至要寻求同事的诚实反馈，因为“没有人可以否定成功的事实。我们都曾有过与自己不太喜欢的人共事的经历，但出色的表现总能胜过一切。”

Try to match your boss’s speaking style. Hurt has worked with clients who rubbed each other the wrong way because of “too big a difference in style,” she says. “If your boss is very soft-spoken and you’re much more voluble and high-energy, or vice versa, try altering the way you talk.” Sometimes, she says, this one simple step can help a lot.

尝试跟老板的说话方式保持一致。赫特的客户便曾因为“说话方式差异太大”而产生摩擦，彼此反感。她说：“如果你的老板说话温和，而你却非常健谈且活力十足，或者相反，那你就应该尽量改变自己说话的方式。”她认为，有时候这样一个简单的措施就能发挥巨大的作用。

Ask for pointers from someone your boss does seem to like. Since you mention that your boss seems partial to other people on your team, why not see if there’s a specific reason? Hurt recently coached a manager who wasn’t getting along with the finance director at her company, to whom she reported. “So she talked with a peer about it, and that person described how she communicated with the boss, how often, and in what way, and that fixed the problem,” Hurt says, adding that her client learned she had to make just a few small changes: “Sometimes fixing something very basic can work surprisingly well”—once you know exactly what it is.

向老板喜欢的人寻求指点。既然你提到自己的老板对其他团队成员有所偏爱，为什么不查找一下具体原因？赫特近期指导的一位管理者与自己的上司（公司的财务总监）相处不太融洽。赫特说：“于是，她与一位同事讨论了这个问题。对方描述了她如何与上司沟通，以及沟通的频率和方式。后来，这次谈话帮她解决了问题。”赫特补充道，她的客户知道，自己必须做出一点小小的改变：“有时候，在最基本的地方做出改变，会带来令人意想不到的效果”——前提是你知道自己具体需要改变的地方。

One more thought: Before you go off in search of a new boss, give this one some time. Hurt says she once worked for a manager “who I didn’t think liked me,” she says. “But I hung in there and kept trying.” By the time she left to start her own firm, she recalls, “he said, ‘You know, you’ve kind of grown on me.’” Faint praise, but better than none.

提醒一下：在着手寻找新老板之前，给现任老板一点时间。赫特说，她曾经的上司，在她看来也不喜欢自己。她说：“但我一直坚持，并不断努力。”后来，她离开了那里，创建了自己的公司。她回忆起当时的情景：“他说：‘你知道吗，你让我越来越喜欢你了。’”虽非真心的赞美，但聊胜于无。

Talkback: Have you ever worked for someone you thought disliked you? What, if anything, did you do about it? Leave a comment below.

反馈：你是否曾遇到过不喜欢自己的上司？如果有，你采取了什么样的措施？欢迎评论。