两性关系:女士们,当心暴力男友

NINGNING (an alias) was hesitant before her wedding. The nurse, who works in Beijing, says her fiance, a tour guide, was generally kind and charming during the two years they dated, except for one thing: Occasionally he would become violent.

宁宁(别名)在婚礼前犹豫不决。这位护士，在北京工作，说她的未婚夫，一名导游，在他们约会的两年里通常是善良迷人的，除了一点：偶尔他会变得暴力。

Ningning became alerted for the first time when the two were furnishing their newly bought apartment. One day an argument escalated into a violent confrontation. Her fiance suddenly shoved her to the ground. Feeling shocked and humiliated, Ningning ran away, crying all her way home.

宁宁第一次警醒是当他们两个装饰他们新买的公寓时。一天一场争论升级为暴力冲突。她未婚夫突然猛地把她推到地上。感到震惊和羞辱，宁宁跑了，一路哭着回到她家。

That evening, her fiance apologized to her profusely, swearing to never do it again. Ningning, seeing regret in his eyes, forgave him.

那天晚上，她未婚夫一再向她道歉，发誓永远不会再这样做。宁宁看见他眼中的悔意，原谅了他。

So it began a cycle of violence followed by apologies.

所以它开始了一场暴力之后是道歉的循环。

Ningning was still in love with him, but she was not sure about marrying a man who gave her roses and bruises at the same time.

宁宁还爱着他，但她不确定是否要嫁给一个同时给她玫瑰和瘀伤的男人。

"Ningning was a victim of a kind of domestic violence, dating violence, which does not get as much public and media attention as date rape," says Sun Jue, executive director of Half The Sky Public Education, a Hong Kong-based commonweal organization.

“宁宁是这种家庭暴力的一个受害者，约会暴力不像约会强奸那样得到公众和媒体那么多的注意，”孙珏说，半边天公共教育的执行董事，一个总部位于香港的公益组织。

One explanation is that people, especially those with limited dating experience, have very little knowledge of what constitutes healthy dating behavior, says Sun.

一种解释：特别是那些有着有限约会经验的人基本上不知道健康的约会行为由什么构成，孙说。

Wang Xiying, a sociologist with the Beijing Normal University, has studied dating violence among Beijing's young adults since 2004. She says the violence usually occurs when one partner tries to take control in the relationship through abuse.

王喜英，北京师范大学的社会学家，自2004年以来一直在研究北京年轻人中的约会暴力。她说暴力通常发生在一方试图在恋爱中通过暴力来掌控。

"Sometimes, the violent behavior is small and subtle, but it may grow into bigger problems," Wang says. "When it takes place, a clear message of NO must be given."

“有时，这些暴力行为小而细微，但它可能会发展成大问题，”王说。“当它发生时，没有一个“不”的明确信息必须被赋予。”

Dating violence is often hidden. That does not necessarily have to involve physical abuse, according to experts. It can take various forms, such as verbal abuse or checking other person's cellphone or e-mail without permission. It may also be sexual: unwanted touching and kissing, or demanding sex.

约会暴力通常是隐藏的。据专家说，这并不必然涉及到身体虐待。它可以采取多种形式，比如口头虐待或未经许可检查对方的手机或电子邮件。它也可能是性方面的：不情愿的接触和亲吻，或者要求性关系。

Wang's study found that men and women both can be victims of dating violence. Women tend to use verbal aggression, whereas men are more prone to physical attacks.

王的研究发现男性和女性都可能成为约会暴力的受害者。女性倾向于言语攻击，而男性更倾向于身体攻击。

Recent studies in the United States show that although adolescent males and females do not differ in overall frequency of violence in dating relationships, young women experience much higher levels of severe violence and are more physically and emotionally traumatized. Some are killed by their partners.

在美国最近的研究表明，尽管青少年男女在恋爱关系中整体的暴力频率不同，年轻女性经历着更严重的暴力，身心更受伤。一些还被他们的伴侣杀害。

Official statistics on dating violence do not exist in China, although domestic violence figures are readily available. According to a survey conducted by All-China Women's Federation in 2011, one out of four married women in China has experienced family violence.

约会暴力的官方数据在中国不存在，虽然家庭暴力的数据是现成的。根据全国妇女联合会2011年进行的一项调查显示，1/4的中国已婚妇女经历过家庭暴力。

Wang notices that there is a tendency that Chinese people started dating at a younger age. Many young lovers don't really know how to handle their anger and anxieties so they use violence as an outlet for their negative emotions.

王注意到一种倾向，中国人在年轻时开始约会。许多年轻的情侣们真的不知道如何处理自己的愤怒和焦虑，所以他们使用暴力作为他们负面情绪的一种发泄。

Dating violence has serious consequences, according to experts. The victim can become depressed, anxious, fearful, or even suicidal.

约会暴力会有严重的后果，根据专家。受害人可能变得压抑、焦虑、恐惧，甚至自杀。

Once dating violence happens, there are a few sensible ways people can respond, says Huo Liqin, a psychologist with Peking University.

一旦约会暴力发生，有一些明智的方法人们可以应对，霍莉钦说，北京大学的一位心理学家。

"It is imperative that two parties in the relationship to have a quality talk right after the first instance when they still have feelings for each other," says Huo.

“当务之急是当他们仍然对彼此有感觉的那一刻恋爱中的双方有一场高质量的谈话，”霍说。

A three-step communication method may help:

一个三步交流方法可以有帮助：

First, the two people involved should share their feelings, says Huo. "Tell your partner how shocked and heartbroken you are. If there are uncertainties about the relationship, you should tell your partner as well."

首先，两个人应该分享他们的感受，霍说。“告诉你的伴侣你是多么震惊和悲伤。如果关于恋爱有不确定，你应该告诉你的伴侣。”

Second, it is important for the abuser to talk. The victim needs to be a good listener at this point and try to pinpoint what made their partner so angry, Huo says. For example, a quarrel may start over the furniture but the girl moves to say she is very disappointed with the boy's low-paid job. And that may be the straw leading to the outburst.

第二，施虐者说话是很重要的。受害者需要是一个好的倾听者在这一点上，试图找出是什么让他们的伴侣这么生气，霍说。例如，争吵可能会从家具开始，但女孩会转而说到她对男孩低薪的工作非常失望。而且这可能是导致爆发的那根稻草。

Third, the two should find a way to avoid escalating arguments and preventing abuse. For example, when the boy is very angry and on verge of explosion, he could make a gesture to the girl. The girl then, receiving the signal, should stop talking. Or, when the girl finds his boyfriend looks very angry and about to attack, leave the room. They can get back to discussion after calming down.

第三，两个人应该找到一个方法来避免争论升级和防止滥用暴力。例如，当男孩很生气并处在爆炸的边缘，他可以向女孩做一个手势。这个女孩然后，接收到信号，应该停止说话。或者，当女孩发现他的男朋友看起来很生气，要攻击时，离开房间。他们可以平静之后回到讨论。

Huo pointed that those with violent tendencies are often poor communicators. "They can't convince their partner see things the way they do. They get angry and attack," she says. "It is important for the victim to listen, and help the abuser improve their communication skills. Otherwise, when they have children, he may be abusive to them."

霍指出那些暴力倾向者常常是可怜的传播者。“他们无法说服伴侣看待事物的方式。他们变得生气和攻击，”她说。“对受害者来说倾听很重要，帮助施虐者提高他们的交流技巧。否则，当他们有了孩子，他可能会虐待他们。”