SAT作文修改实例讲解(一)

　　作文题一： Is memory a help or a hindrance in helping us learn from the past and succeed in the future?

　　学生习作1：

　　On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. （营造记忆）

　　 Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I havent lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. （营造收获）

　　分析：

　　1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.

　　2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。

　　3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place was a little crowded

　　4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。

　　修改：

　　In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to shoot some photos with my aunt since the most important festival in China, namely, the Spring Festival was approaching. But the photo studio was full of people choosing clothes and making up. It was in such disorder that I lost my cell phone which I had used for two years. This unhappy event almost ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friends and my teachers to have a get-together because I had never backed up their phone numbers before. （营造悲惨记忆）

　　So I began to, from that moment, form a habit of writing down the information of my friends and relatives on my notebook to ensure safety. And up to now, I have got my special address list, with my own notes attached to many numbers showing their relationship with me, their birthday and even their favorite food. For example, Lily, a confidant, likes bananas, born on May 1; Adam is just a fair-weather friend. Interestingly enough, now I find that I could not only recite most important numbers but also strengthened my ties with my true friends. （深化收获）