高中英语语法-习作评析（4）

　　习作评析（4）

　　　　习作题目

　　　　图为上海102中学平面图（diagram），请将此图用英语作具体说明，以便于参观者了解该校的校园风貌。词数：120左右。

　　　　说明：A. 学校大门B. 图书馆C. 花池D. 实验楼E. 教学楼（四层，两头为教师办公室）F. 食堂G. 操场（校园四周均为树木）

　　　　学生原文

　　Our School

　　　　Ladies and Gentlemen，

　　　　This is the diagram of Shanghai No. 102 Middle School. It is 720 meters long and 480 meters wide. It is a pretty large middle school.

　　　　Its gate faces south. When you enter into（1） gate， a beautiful flower garden comes into your view. Here are various plants and flowers and also a pool of（2） green water and fish swimming free（3） . On the left of the garden is the school library building and on the right， the lab building. Go further （4） you will see a four-storeyed teaching building standing in the middle of the school. It is teaching office （5） at both ends. Behind the teaching building is a large playground and besides （6） the playground is the dining hall. Trees are planted all around the school. How beautiful the school looks！ Welcome to visit our school.

　　　　修改说明

　　　　（1）enter为及物动词，应直接跟宾语，去掉into.

　　　　（2）green water属定语部分，所以of应改为with.

　　　　（3）swim为行为动词，应用副词修饰，free应改为freely.

　　　　（4）祈使句表条件时，应用and或then引导连接结果分句。

　　　　（5）根据语境，office应改为复数形式offices.

　　　　（6）表在旁边应用beside而不用besides.

　　　　修改后的文章

　　Our School

　　　　Ladies and Gentlemen，

　　　　This is the diagram of Shanghai No. 102 Middle School. It is 720 meters long and 480 meters wide. It is pretty large middle school.

　　　　Its gate faces south. When you enter the gate， a beautiful flower garden comes into your view. Here are various plants and flowers and also a pool with green water and fish swimming freely. On the left of the garden is the school library building and on the right， the lab building. Go further and you will see a four-storeyed teaching building standing in the middle of the school. It was teaching offices at both ends. Behind the teaching building is a large playground and beside the playground is the dining hall. Trees are building is a large playground and beside the playground is the dining hall. Trees are planted all around the school. How beautiful the school looks！ Welcome to visit our school.

　　　　习作点评

　　　　本篇书面表达习作是一篇说明文，体现了高考英语书面表达写作的新要求。开篇交待句This is the diagram of Shanghai No. 102 Middle School.和末尾总结句How beautiful the school looks！ Welcome to visit our school.的使用增强了文章的照应性。and， when， here， on the left of， on the right，behind等过渡性词汇的使用增强了文章的连贯性、逻辑性和可读性。时间状语从句、with复合结构、现在分词作后置定语、倒装句型、感叹句等高级表达方式的运用表明该生有较为丰富的语法知识。come into ones view， a four-storeyed building， in the middle of， all around， welcome to 等短语的准确贴切使用表明了该生有较为丰富的语言知识。所有这些成为本文一道道亮丽的风景线。但本文也存在一些不足之处，出现了一些语言语法方面的错误，如介词错误、形容词副词误用错误、漏用连词错误、名词单复数错误等，表明该生语言表达能力还不够成熟，有待于在今后的写作实践中进一步提高。然而瑕不掩瑜，从总体上讲本文不失为一篇优秀的书面表达习作，值得广大读者借鉴和模仿。