2017届高考英语书面表达练讲指导评析（第三部分）考场习作评析（四）

　　2017届高考英语书面表达专题指导、练讲及习作评析（第三部分考场习作评析）（四）

　　请你根据下列这幅图写一篇英语短文。要求：

　　1.描述图画；

　　2.就图画所反映的内容进行评论或提出自己的建议；

　　3.词数：150左右。

　　这是我们仿照北京市高考所出的题目。跟北京卷不同的是本书面表达要求词数达到150左右。同时考生可以按照半开放式作文的方法进行写作，也可以按照开放式作文的方法进行写作。我们这儿所选的考场习作为开放式的。

　　【考场习作】

　　(5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. (6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all. (7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others. (8)As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”. (9)Therefore we must be strict with ourselves before we are strict with others. (10)Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society.

　　在评析考生考场习作之前，先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么。

　　1.描述图片内容

　　2.自己的评论

　　【总体评价】

　　全文共10句(5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.

　　(7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others.

　　(8)As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”.

　　2.高级词汇的使用较多

　　vivid生动的

　　thought-provoking发人深省的

　　forbid禁止

　　exist有，存在

　　restrict限制

　　convince使信服

　　build up建立

　　harmonious和谐的

　　4.运用对比的手法，增加了文章感染力和说服力。

　　如：(5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.

　　本句用一个“while”表示了强烈的对比。

　　本句的意思是：这家工厂一边排放着浓烟，而一边又要禁止人们抽烟，真是滑稽可笑。

　　紧接着又用对比的手法：(6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all.来进一步增强文章的感染力。

　　【习作的缺点】

　　1.动词时态运用上有错误

　　本篇书面表达所使用的时态应该是现在时。习作在描述图画时，却犯了致命的错误。第（3）（4）两句时态运用上混乱。而且又是在第一段，这样给阅卷老师留下了很不好的印象。如果阅卷老师不耐心继续看下去的话，恐怕这位考生的习作得分数最多不会超过17分。

　　(3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he notices the non-smoking sign on the wall.

　　(4)He wonders /is wondering why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says?

　　2.本习作运用的复杂句过多，不仅给人以故弄玄虚之嫌，而且使文章过于呆板，显得不是那么错落有致。

　　根据以上两点我们将习作修改如下：

　　【修改后的习作】

　　参考答案1(评论式)

　　What the pcture above reflects is a common phenomenon which should be taken into consideration. In our daily life, some people make rules to restrict others but on the contrary, they often break the rules. For example, parents urge their kids not to play electronic games while they often play them even when they are having meals. Shouldn’t parents set an example to their kids?

　　Nowadays, there exist quite a few people who are strict with others, yet tolerant to themselves. And it is hard to convince others. So in my opinion, only if we should be more strict with ourselves will we qualify for asking others for much.

　　参考答案(建议式)

　　This?is?a?funny and instructive picture.?In?the picture,?a?young?man?is smoking?happily?in?a?factory?when?he sees?a?sign which means “No?smoking” on the wall. But he finds that the?factory?is?giving off large quantities of heavy smoke which makes him feel very puzzled, “Why does the?factory?forbid people to smoke while the?factory?itself emits so much poisonous smoke?”