你真的懂得如何道歉吗?

Chances are, you've had to apologize plenty of times in your life. And there's a good chance you've also uttered the phrase, "I never meant to hurt you."

生活中你可能要道歉很多次，而且很有可能说过这句话：“我从没想过要伤害你”。

Stop doing that, says author Caroline Myss.

作者卡罗兰·梅斯说：“别再说那句话了。”

In a talk Myss ― a spiritual seeker, researcher ― took on the topic of forgiveness and healing, and explained in no uncertain terms why "I never meant to hurt you" is never a sufficient apology, no matter who it comes from.

梅斯是一位精神导师和研究员，她在一次访谈中讲了原谅和疗伤的话题，并且非常明确地解释了为什么“我从没想过要伤害你”这句话永远不适合用来道歉，无论是从谁的嘴里说出来。

"Picture that person coming up to you and saying, 'Wow, bummer. I'm sorry I did this, but, you know, I never meant to hurt you. And, hey, can we just call it a day?'" Myss says.

梅斯说：“想象一下，那个人朝你走过来跟你说‘哦，哥们，很抱歉我那样做，但你知道的，我从没想过要伤害你。就这样吧好吗?’”

As tempting as it can be to move on and bury the hatchet, that type of apology won’t sit well with the person on the receiving end. "That whole little thing ― 'I never meant to hurt you' ― that's the thing you can't forgive," she says. "It goes right to your soul, that toxic, sick feeling."

虽然让关系能发展下去并停战和解是很吸引人的，但那种道歉真的不适合说给对方，她说：“那句‘我从没想过要伤害你’所对应的整件小事，其实就是你无法原谅的那个行为，是那种直入你心扉的难受的感觉。”

Instead, Myss says it's important to approach the conversation differently. Ultimately, it's about offering more than an apology. It's about sharing a soul-to-soul confession. "Let's redo the scene," Myss says. "[The person] comes up to you and says... 'I need to tell you something. I consciously knew what I was doing. I consciously knew it, and I have to call it something else: I sinned against you. It was a sin. I heard my conscience tell me not to do this and I didn't listen. It didn't matter to me. And I know that my actions redirected the course of your life. It was conscious. It was a sin, because it was conscious. And how much it hurt you did not stop me. This is not a boo-boo. This is not an apology. I am confessing my soul to you, and I'm asking now for your forgiveness.'"

梅斯说相反很重要的是要以别的方式引入话题，最重要的是你要强调你做了什么而不是道歉，应该有心灵间的忏悔。梅斯说：“咱们重新设想一下刚才的场景，那个人走向你说‘我要跟你说件事，我深知自己做了什么，我意识到了，我觉着应该换个说法：我得罪你了。是我的错，我的良心告诉我不要那样做，但我没当回事，这对我没什么影响，但我知道我的行为改变了你的生活，我是有意的。是我的错，因为我是故意的，对你的伤害也没能阻止我，这不是一时疏忽，我不是在道歉，这是我对你心灵的忏悔，我现在请求你的原谅。’”

Even saying those words on stages makes Myss visibly emotional, and she points out that this is how deeply within the soul apologies are supposed to resonate.

梅斯甚至在舞台上说这番话时都很激动，她指出就是这种心灵的道歉才能引起深刻的共鸣。

"That's what heals," she says.

她说：“那才是治愈别人心灵的东西。”