SAT作文批改实例讲解(五)

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

　　When people form opinions about someone or something, what affects them most is not substance but style. In other words, the way something appears or is presented is more important than what it actually is. This principle affects how people look at their leaders and their lives, the books they read, the products they buy, and even the subjects they take at school.

　　Assignment: Is style more important than substance? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

　　习作修改

　　学生习作(第一段)

　　语言修改

　　Style, of course, is less important than substance. If there is a rotten apple placed in a crystal bowl in front of you, will you eat it happily only for the better style?

　　Style, of course, is less important than substance. If a rotten apple is placed in a crystal bowl will you happily eat it?

　　本段评点

　　本文的开头比较有特色，第一句话开门见山直接给出自己的观点，而且观点明确。第二句话用了一个比喻加反问，而且这个比喻十分恰当地说明了形式与内容的关系，很是引人入胜，吸引阅卷人的注意力。

　　学生习作(第二段)

　　语言修改

　　You can see Jane who appears in the great work of Emilys as an example. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. As a famous saying goes: When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal. Jane is not outstanding outside thats not important. Her beauty is inside. Shes brave and persistent. So does she live in our mind, though she is an imaginary person. All is due to her substance.

　　Take for example Jane Eyre, who appears in the great works of Charlotte Bronte. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. (As the famous saying goes; when our soul passes away to meet God we are all equal. Although Jane is not beautiful on the outside, she is beautiful on the inside.Shes brave and persistent. Although she is a fictitious character, she lives on in our minds due to her substance.

　　本段评点

　　本段举了《简爱》这部小说中女主人公的例子，与作者要说明的论点很适合，有说服力。不过，本段中所引用的名言When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal.与这段的主题意义是无关的，应该删掉。当人们死后见到上帝的时候，人们都是平等的，不能说明内在与外在，形式与内容的关系。

　　学生习作(第三段)

　　语言修改

　　My uncle used to make a girlfriend. She, most into her appearance, spent 2 hours making up everyday. And no one can refuse that shes beautiful. But she was not so kind. She would laugh at the badly-injured dogs in the streets and even took picture of them for fun. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was totally chilly and egocentric. No one can bear her including my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.

　　My uncle used to have a girlfriend. She spent two hours every day getting ready. She is beautiful on the outside but not so kind. She would laugh at injured dogs and even take pictures of them just for the fun of it. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was cold and egocentric. No one could stand her, not even my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.

　　本段评点

　　与上一段虚构的小说人物相对应，这里作者举出了自己身边人的真实的例子，既恰当贴切，又很有说服力。不过，本段的句式比较单调，大部分是以she开头的单句。

　　学生习作(第四段)

　　语言修改

　　Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. The quality drives him to the success, not the style.

　　Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But t finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. His qualities, not his style, lead to his success.

　　本段评点

　　本段又举出了一个生动的例子，即《美女和野兽》这个童话故事。与前面两个例子相比，这个例子叙述的比较简略，这样的设计很好，使得各个例子详略得当，不千篇一律。不过，需要注意的是这里的两个问句显得有些突兀，而且连续问两个问题，也显得太多了。