SAT写作范文点评之Fantasy and Imagination

　　下面是一篇关于Fantasy and Imagination的SAT写作范文的点评，对于一篇SAT写作范文的每一段，每一个语言点都进行了详细的点评，指出了可以改进的地方，对大家的写作帮助很大。下面是详细内容，供大家参考。

　　Topic: Fantasy and Imagination

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come close to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.- Albert Einstein

　　There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

　　Assignment: Do you believe that fantasy or imagination is more important than knowledge? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.

　　第一段

　　Where did the knowledge come from? It comes from discoveries and inventions. So its not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and article fields. Theres no doubt that is theres no imagination or fantasy at all, knowledge will never exists. So its not difficult to get the answer that talent of creativity is more critical for us than the ability to absorb certain knowledge.

　　语言修改

　　Where does knowledge come from? It comes from discoveries and inventions. So its not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and artistic fields. There is no doubt that without imagination or fantasy knowledge would never exist. Therefore, its not difficult to conclude that talent and creativity are more critical than the ability to absorb knowledge.

　　本段评点

　　知识来自发现和发明。所以，知识的来源是幻想和想象。这句话既违反逻辑，也不符合事实。人类的许多发现，比如火，比如青霉素，天花疫苗，比如美洲大陆，都是偶然发现的, 与想象力或者幻想没有任何关系。后面的一句，毫无疑问，没有想象和幻想，知识将不存在。这句话也让人捏把汗，果真是毫无疑问吗?通过前面两个非常有问题的观点，是无法得出 创造力比吸收知识更重要这个结论的。这一段给人的感觉是宣布了好几个论点, 而且有的论点明显违反常识。所以这个开头段非常失败。

　　第二段

　　Invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in todays class. Take electronic light as an example, the inventor of it is Edison who had created many things we are using today. He had done more than 3000 experiments before he finally found the correct material that can light enough and not easy to melt at a really high temperature. During his 3000 experiments, he imagines everything in his daily life, including iron, bamboo and even the red beard of his colleagues. His patience and curiosity together with his imagination and fantasy helped him successfully invented the light bulb that we are still using nowadays.

　　语言修改

　　Invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in todays class. Take electric bulb as an example, the inventor, Edison, created many things we are using today. He conducted over 3,000 experiments before he found the correct material to create light and did not melt at high temperatures. During those 3,000 experiments he imagined using many things including iron, bamboo, and even his colleagues red beard. His patience and curiosity together with imagination and fantasy helped him to successfully invent the light bulb that we still use to this day.

　　本段评点

　　这一段用了爱迪生发明灯泡的例子。这个例子用在这里虽然没有什么错误，但是从中学作文，到大学四六级作文，到考研，到托福和GRE作文，不论是什么题目，中国学生都喜欢使用这个例子。这样给老外一个印象，中国学生知道的事情实在太少。这个例子里面还有个小错误，那就是爱迪生发明的不是电，而是电灯。

　　第三段

　　Not only scientists need creativity but also artists need it. The well known artist von Gothe used to say that: theres nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. By that he emphasized the significance of taste. However, as matter of fact, in his renowned painting about stars at night, he portrayed a world full of imagination, for instance the star under his pen is just like a whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.

　　语言修改

　　Not only scientists but also artists need creativity. The well known artist von Gothe used to say that: theres nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. By that he emphasized the significance of taste. However, in his renowned painting of stars at night, he presented a world full of imagination such as the stars under his brush are like a whirlpool that allows us infinite fantasies about space and the universe.

　　本段评点

　　以上的例子中把作家歌德和画家梵高混淆了。不过这段中作者对于《星空》这幅画的描写给读者留下很好的印象。由此可以看出本文作者兴趣广泛，而且能用自己的语言描述梵高名画《星空》，着实不易。作者在文章写道：for instance the star under his pen is just like whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.看过梵高名画《星空》的读者，应该知道作者的描述比较准确。可见，作者应该比较喜欢艺术，最起码应该看过梵高的一些画集。

　　第四段

　　Between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? As far as I considered, knowledge is just based on imagination and fantasy of the people in the past. So we apparently draw the conclusion that ability of creativity is more critical for us than the capability of absorb certain positive knowledge.

　　语言修改

　　Between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? As far as I am concerned, knowledge is based on the imagination and fantasy of people in the past. Therefore, we can draw the conclusion that creativity is more critical than the absorption of certain knowledge.

　　本段评点

　　结尾段简单地重复了第一段的意思，仍旧是说知识是建立在想象和幻想的基础上的，而且自身段落中的两句话在意思上也是重复的。这样的结尾段不是很有力，给读者的感觉是可有可无，没有起到突出强化自己论点的作用。

　　对这篇SAT写作范文的总评

　　这篇SAT写作范文开头段采用疑问句的方式，这样可以吸引阅卷人的注意力，引起兴趣。但本文的最大亮点在于中间举例很生动，而且全面。文章一共举了两个例子，第一个例子是爱迪生靠想像力发明了灯泡，第二个例子是荷兰著名画家梵高充满想像力的名画《星空》。两个例子一个讲科学家，一个讲艺术家，都强调了想像力的重要性，支持了作者的观点。

　　下面讲一点这篇SAT写作范文的缺点。开头段应该是作者提出自己的论点的段落，下文要举出具体的事例支持相应的论点。作者在这里用了两个so开头的长句子，让读者感觉好像前文已经论证，这里能得出结论了似的，而且作者的观点有严重的逻辑错误。

　　总体而言，这篇SAT写作范文存在一定的问题，特别需要修改第一段，使其能够开宗明义，即明确提出自己合乎逻辑的论点，然后再用生动具体的例子娓娓道来，即论证支持自己的观点。

　　 这里是文章的开头段，前面没有任何的论证和推理，何来So呢?不要在句子的开头就用so，因为这时候没有因此可言。

　　 So引导的表示结果的句子一般放在表示原因的句子的后面，单句不要以so开头，上下文之间可以用therefore表结果。

　　 原文用了that is theres 显得过于冗赘，直接用without表示在没有的情况下使句子简洁。例如，Without your help we could not have finished the work. 比If you had not helped us, we could not have finished the work.更加简练。

　　 这里没有必要用the inventor of it而且用了这个结构还导致了后面不得不用一个who引导的定语从句，使整句话啰嗦。换一种说法：Its inventor Edison created many things we are using today.

　　 Invented是不对的，因为help的结构是help sb. do sth.或help sb. to do sth.

　　 Experiment通常和conduct, carry out, perform搭配表示做实验。

　　 As matter of fact在这里没有表达任何有效信息。

　　 Pen指的是用墨水或类似液体书写、绘画的工具，画家用的画笔应是brush.

　　 Not onlybut also连接的是一组平行结构，当用这组词把平行成分连接起来，这个平行结构所共有部分不用重复，如这里的need不用写两遍。

　　 As far as I am concerned 一般用于提出自己与别人不同的观点，用在此处不恰当。另外，Just用在这里不能表达知识恰恰是基于人们的想象的，如果非要表达正式基于此而非其他，可以改成Knowledge is based on nothing but the imagination and fantasy of people in the past.

　　 不要用So引导的句子开头。

　　以上就是对这篇SAT写作范文的详细点评，包括了每一段的点评和最后总的点评。这篇SAT写作范文在写作例子的应用上很成功，是大家可以借鉴的地方，而在写作的结构和语法的应用方面有一些欠缺，是大家需要避免的地方。