科学教你如何“快乐厮守到老”

As Daniel Jones, author of Love Illuminated, explains: we spend our youth asking "How do I find love?" and midlife asking "How do I get it back?"

Anyone in a relationship or who plans on being in one needs to know how to keep love alive over the long term. But how do you learn the secret to this? Everyone is happy to explain "how they met" but few give the details on "how they stayed together."

So let's look at what science has to say.

"Happily ever after" ain't easy

Aside from being the epitome of lazy writing, "happily ever after" is not simple.

Ty Tashiro explains that couples in their first year of marriages score 86 percent for marriage satisfaction. By the seventh year, it's under 50 percent.

Yes, about 50 percent of couples get divorced. Another 10-15 percent separate but do not file paperwork. And 7 more percent are chronically unhappy.

So the real stat is two-thirds of marriages do not live "happily ever after."

The divorce rate often reported by the media is 50 percent, which is based on Census Bureau data. However, census data does not capture the 10 to 15 percent of couples who permanently separate but do not file formal paperwork for a legal divorce. This means that a conservative estimate of the divorce and permanent separation rate is 60 percent. Add the additional 7 percent of chronically unhappy couples who do not divorce or permanently separate but are consistently unhappy in their marriage, and this means that two-thirds of all married couples do not live happily ever after.

Why is marriage so hard over the long term?

One of the main reasons is what science calls it "habituation." Which is a fancy way of saying we get bored.

Early on, when a couple can finish each other's sentences it's romantic. But over time "predictable" is a huge negative.

Chris Rock gets the point across humorously in this video (NSFW):

Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction, explains that surprise is key to romantic feelings:

Seduction involves a degree of surprise, which is generally the first thing that disappears after you've been in a relationship, and why there's no more seducing that goes on. Everything is familiar and you're no longer surprised by the other person. [The Art of Seduction]

So is there any way to bring those tingles back?

Yes. Here's how.

What you can learn from arranged marriages

"Arranged marriage! AGH! Weird!"

Hold on a sec. We can learn something here. What do researchers find when they compare at 50 arranged marriages and 50 "love" marriages?

Love marriages start out happier — but that declines quickly.

Arranged marriages start out less happy, but after 10 years, they're happier than love marriages. And stay that way.

The couples who had married for love and been together less than a year averaged a score of 70 points out of a possible 91 on the love scale, but these numbers steadily fell over time. The love couples who had been married ten years or longer had an average score of only 40 points. In contrast, the couples in arranged marriages were less in love at the outset, averaging 58 points, but their feelings increased over time to an average score of 68 at the ten or more years mark.

What's the secret behind the long term success of arranged marriages?

They have to work at it.

They don't passively rely on "magic" and intense emotion. They have to spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it work.

That process of discovery is ostensibly the fun of courtship, too, except that in arranged marriage the goal is to figure out how to be married, not whether to marry.

Research shows expecting a fairy tale relationship is a prescription for disappointment.

Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of people's beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales.

Feeling like it's all magic means it's out of your control — and that without that initial magic, it's hopeless.

The happiness of arranged marriages means a couple can make magic if they try.

So you need to actively keep the marriage happy. How do you do that?

Don't fix the bad. Increase the good.

Look at your spouse as something you purchased "as-is." Research shows trying to change themdoesn't work:

When participants focused their relationship improvement attempts on changing the partner, individuals reported more negative improvement strategies, lower improvement success, and, in turn, more negative relationship evaluations. Results suggest that targeting the partner may do more harm than good despite that relationship evaluations pivot on whether the partner produces change.

John Gottman, researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says 69 percent of a couple's problems are perpetual. These problems don't go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year.

Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind – but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work]

So if you can't change them and they won't change you, how can you reduce the bad stuff?

You can't. But you don't need to.

The best relationships are more about increasing the good than reducing the bad.

Divorce may have less to do with an increase in conflict and more to do with a decrease in positive feelings.

Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight.

Okay, so you need to increase the good times. What's the best way to do that?

(This part is exciting. I mean, literally.)

Forget romance. Think excitement.

Think a pleasant date night is all it takes to keep love alive?

Researchers did a 10 week study comparing couples that engaged in "pleasant" activities vs "exciting" activities. Pleasant lost.

Those who had undertaken the "exciting" date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the "pleasant" date night group…

Why would doing anything exciting have such a big effect on a relationship?

Because we're lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from.

Excitement from any source will be associated with the person you're with, even if they're not the cause of it.

As happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky explains, excitement experienced mutually brings the tingles back.

Whether the couples were only dating or long-married, the ones who did the shared novel activity were more likely than the ones who did the shared neutral activity to agree to statements like "I feel happy when I am doing something to make my partner happy" and "I feel 'tingling' and 'an increased heartbeat' when I think of my partner" after the activity than before.

So no boring, lame date nights. Go do something exciting. Go dancing together or anything else you can both participate in as a couple.

Sum up

Keeping love alive can be tricky. You need to actively work at it and it's more important to increase the good then to reduce the bad.

And the best way to do that is by increasing excitement.

So you're hopping on roller coasters and going white water rafting — but what do you need to do when you're there?

Pretend you're on your first date.

Studies show pretending time with a romantic partner was a first date makes it more enjoyable for you and for your partner:

Across a series of studies, participants underestimated how good they would feel in situations that required them to put their best face forward… participants who were instructed to engage in self-presentation felt happier after interacting with their romantic partner than participants who were not given this instruction…

Why? On first dates we make an effort to impress. And we're full of hope.

Love means being a little delusional (Some researchers even think love might qualify as a mental illness.)

Thinking your partner is better than they really are makes for longer, better relationships.

Sandra Murray and her colleagues have been studying romantic relationships now for several decades, and have found that idealising one's partner is a sure recipe for marital success; moreover, the higher one's ideals are and the more one idealises one's partner, the more satisfied one is with the relationship – and the longer it is likely to last.

Letting yourself be a little crazy — crazy for your partner — pays off.

《启蒙的爱》的作者丹尼尔·琼斯（Daniel Jones）说：“年轻的时候，我们总是在问‘我怎样才能找到真爱’？到了中年，我们又会问‘我怎样才能找回爱’？”

恋爱中或者准备恋爱的人需要了解怎样才能让爱长期保持鲜活。但你又怎么知道其中的奥妙呢？人人都乐于讲述“和爱人相遇的过程”，但却几乎没人会细致地描述“两人是怎样在一起”的。

那么我们来看看科学的解释。

“快乐厮守到老”并非易事

除非是随口说说，否则“快乐厮守到老”并不容易。

泰·田代（Ty Tashiro）解释说，夫妻在结婚的第一年对婚姻的满意度是86%。而到了第七年，满意度便不超过50%。

的确如此，有半数的夫妻最终都以离婚收场。另有10%—15%的夫妻会采取分居的方式，但却不愿意签署离婚协议。而有7%的夫妻长期过着不幸福的生活。

因此，真实的情况是有三分之二的婚姻都不会“快乐到老”。

根据人口统计局的数据，媒体经常报道的离婚率是50%。但事实上，统计局的数据并没有将分居而始终因未签署正式的协议而合法离婚的10%—15%计算在内。这就意味着，保守来讲，离婚及永久分居率是60%。而额外7%的夫妻既没有离婚，也没有长期分居，而是长期处于不幸福状态。也就是说，有三分之二的夫妻都没有快乐地生活到老。

为什么想要长久地维持婚姻如此之难？

原因之一就是科学家所谓的“习惯化”。也就是我们常说的“对彼此感到疲倦了”。

从前，如果一个人能够说出伴侣没说完的话，那便是一件浪漫的事。但随着时间的推移，这种“预测”变成了极大的否定。

基思·洛克（Chris Rock）诙谐地在他的节目中解释了这一点。

《诱惑的艺术》一书的作者罗伯特·格林（Robert Greene）说，惊喜是制造浪漫的关键。

诱惑也含有惊喜的味道，通常情况下，这是恋爱后第一个消失的东西，也是不会再有诱惑的感觉的原因。一切都变得如此熟悉，你也再不会从对方那里得到惊喜。

那么是否有办法可以找回那些东西呢？

是的，这样做。

从包办婚姻中学到的东西

“包办婚姻！真是不可理喻！”

等一下。我们可以从中学到些什么。研究人员对比了50对包办婚姻的夫妻和50对自由恋爱的夫妻，那么他们有什么发现呢？

自由恋爱的婚姻在开始的时候都是快乐的——但是这种快乐很快就会过去。

包办婚姻的夫妻开始的时候不是很幸福，但十年以后，他们会比自由恋爱的夫妻还要快乐，并会一直持续这种状态。

因爱情结婚，在一起不到一年时间的夫妻平均得分是70分，但这些数据会逐年递减。那些以爱之名结婚，并在一起十年甚至更久的夫妻得到40分。相比之下，包办婚姻的比例在起初时间里较少，平均58分，但他们之间的感情随着时间逐渐变浓，十年或超过十年之时，平均得到68分。

从长远看，包办婚姻之所以能够成功的秘诀又是什么呢？

他们需要经营婚姻。

他们不会被动地相信“奇迹”或者激情。他们需要花费很长时间思考怎么样让自己的婚姻持续下去。

发现其中奥妙的过程从表面上看也是一种求爱的过程。除了在包办婚姻中，主要的目的是弄清楚怎样经营婚姻，而不是要不要结婚。

研究显示对童话故事般恋爱的向往会导致失望。

有78%的人在树立恋爱的信仰中都会出现像灰姑娘这样的童话故事元素。这些人比不相信童话故事的人更容易在恋爱中经历醒悟、荒废以及焦虑。

如果把爱情完全看成是奇迹，意味着它是不可控的——但如果起初就没有奇迹可言，那也就不抱希望了。

包办婚姻的幸福意味着夫妻二人可以努力去创造奇迹。

也就是说你需要积极地让婚姻保持鲜活。怎么做呢？

别去纠正缺陷，去创造美好。

将你的伴侣视为“就是这样的人”。研究显示试着改变他们根本无济于事。

当参与者试着用改变对方的方法来增进感情时，每个人都表示这是种消极的方法，成功率很低。结果，这种消极的方法导致对方更容易做出伤害自己的事情，尽管评估报告是随着其中一方改变而改变的。

《婚姻七定律》的作者及研究人员约翰·高特曼（John Gottman）称，夫妻间69%的问题都是永久性的。这些问题不会消失，所以很多夫妻都会不停地为其争论下去。

大多数夫妻间的争论都是没法解决。夫妻二人年复一年地试着改变对方的想法——但这是不可能的。这是因为大多数争论都植根于各自基本生活方式、人格或者价值观的不同。为这些不同之处争论不休，他们只能浪费各自的时间并伤害他们的婚姻。

如果你们不能彼此改变，又怎样减少争论呢？

答案是没法减少争论。因为你根本不需要这样做。

最棒的婚姻是多去创造美好的事，而不是试着解决争论。

离婚跟相互间争执的增多没太大关系，但却与减少积极的情感关系密切。

圣巴巴拉市加利福尼亚大学的心理学教授谢莉·盖布尔（Shelly Gable）对此发表了自己的看法：庆祝比吵架更有助于加强两人的感情。

好了，你需要多去做些美好的事情。那么要怎样做才好呢？

（这部分令人兴奋）

别再想什么浪漫了，想象兴奋的事情。

一个美好的约会夜晚是否就能让爱保持鲜活呢？

研究人员进行了10周的研究以对比“美好的”约会和“兴奋的”约会，“美好”没能战胜“兴奋”。

相比之下，经历过“令人兴奋的”约会之夜的人对夫妻关系表现出了更大的满意度。

为什么“保持兴奋”会对恋爱关系产生如此大的影响呢？

因为我们并不善于寻找兴奋感的来源。

即使兴奋感并非由我们的伴侣引起，我们也会这样认为。

正如幸福感研究院索尼娅·柳波米尔斯基（Sonja Lyubomirsky）所说，共同感觉到的兴奋会让爱人们找回恋爱的感觉。

不论是正在约会还是结婚多年的情侣，那些一起做新奇的事情的情侣比那些做平淡的事情的情侣更认同这样的说法：“当我做一些让对方快乐的事时，我也感到很快乐”以及“我想到对方时会感到‘悸动’，‘心跳加快’”。

所以别让约会变得枯燥乏味。去做一些刺激的事情。一起跳舞或者任何你们可以作为情侣共同参与的事。

总结

让爱保持新鲜也是需要花心思的。你需要积极地去应对，而且比起消除缺陷，创造美好更为重要。

最好的方式就是增加兴奋感。

所以你在想过山车或者去坐冰筏子——但你到了那之后需要做什么呢？

假装自己正在进行第一次约会。

研究显示，无论是对你还是你的伴侣来说，同一个浪漫的人共度时光都是一种享受。

一系列研究表明，参与者们低估了自我展示能给自己带来的快乐。展现自己最好的一面并与浪漫伴侣互动的参与者比缺少自我展示的参与者更快乐。

为什么？因为如果第一次约会就印象深刻，人们就会对此充满希望。

爱需要一些妄想（一些研究人员甚至认为爱也许是一种精神疾病）。

相信你的伴侣比实际上更好有助于让你们的关系更长久。更美好。

桑德拉·莫里（Sandra Murray）和他的同事已对婚姻问题研究了数年，发现将伴侣理想化的确是经营一个成功婚姻的良方。此外，一个人心目中的理想情人越完美，就越是会将伴侣理想化，对自己的感情也会感到越满意——持续的时间也就越长。

让自己疯狂一下——为你的另一半——会有回报的。