幸福不仅仅是快乐：四步带你找到真正的幸福

Two months ago a new client entered my office for her first coaching session. "All I want is to feel happy," she said. "I'm miserable and I focus on that misery all day long."

两个月前，一个新客户来到我的办公室参加她的第一次辅导课。“我要的是感到高兴，”她说，“我很痛苦，而且我整天专注于怎样把自己从痛苦中解救出来。”

It seemed like a fairly simple request, so we went to work.

这似乎是一个非常简单的要求，所以我们就开始了。

Week after week I witnessed the smile on my client's face becoming more consistent, more authentic. Soon she began talking about the laughter and pleasant activities that now fill her days. So I asked whether she thought that we had achieved her happiness goal. I was surprised when she said "no."

几周过后，我亲眼目睹了我的客户脸上露出坚定真诚的笑容。因此她开始谈论每天充斥在身边的笑料和愉快的活动。因此我问她是否认为我们已经达到了她的幸福目标，但我很惊讶的是她说“没有”。

What I learned is that this vibrant woman believed that in order to characterize herself as happy she could never feel sad. To her, sadness and other unpleasant feelings are not allowed in the life of someone who defines themselves as a happy person. But that is not what the human experience is actually about.

我了解到的是，这个充满活力的女人认为，为了让她看起来很幸福，她不能觉得悲伤。对她来说，悲伤等不愉快的情绪在生活中是不允许出现在一个幸福的人身上的。但是这不是真正的人生体验。

If we don't allow a natural progression of the resulting unpleasant feelings we will never fully experience and embrace the joy in life. That's right; where there is black, there is white, it's just how nature works. There are two complementary forces that make up all aspects of life and we must allow and accept their balance.

如果我们不允许一个不愉快情绪的自然的产生，我们就无法体验和拥抱生活的乐趣。正是这样；当有黑暗的地方就有光明，这才是自然的。生活的各个方面都有两个互补的力量，我们必须允许和接受它们的平衡。

This is the understanding that my client was missing.

这是我的顾客对生活漏掉的领悟。

And it begs the question: Happiness--what is it, really?

它引出了一个问题：幸福——到底是什么？

In simplest form, happiness is a state of being. Sure, our circumstances influence the level of happiness we can access, but happiness is within us, not around us. We all have it, but we each define it differently and have varying expectations of ourselves and our own abilities to be happy. And that is what causes the confusion.

在最简单的情况下，幸福是一种状态。当然，我们能接触到的环境会影响幸福的水平，但是幸福在我们心里，而不是在我们周围。我们都拥有它，但是我们每个人的定义不同，我们有不同的期望，我们想要幸福。这就是造成混乱的原因。

It's perfectly OK to have moments or days of feeling bad, rather than good. When we resist the feelings that we categorize as unpleasant, it simply causes more resistance, leading to greater unhappiness. Let's debunk the happiness myth. These steps might just help you develop a healthy--and, dare I say, happy--life balance.

因此完全可以有不开心的时间。如果我们抵触那些被列为不开心的事情，这会导致更多的阻力，也就会导致更多的不开心。让我们来揭穿幸福的秘密。这些步骤可以帮你养成一个健康而且幸福的生活平衡。

1. Build a solid foundation.

打好基础。

Martin Seligman is one of the leading researchers in positive psychology and author of Authentic Happiness. Seligman describes happiness as having three parts: pleasure, engagement, and meaning. Pleasure is the "feel good" part of happiness. Engagement refers to living a "good life" of work, family, friends, and hobbies. Meaning refers to using our strengths to contribute to a larger purpose. Seligman says that all three are important, but that of the three, engagement and meaning make the most difference to living a happy life.

马丁·塞利格曼是积极心理学主要研究者和《真正的幸福》的作者。塞利格曼把幸福定义为三个方面：快乐，参与和意义。快乐是幸福“感觉不错”的部分。参与表示“美好生活”的工作、家庭、朋友和爱好等方面。意义指的是利用我们的优势来促进更大的目标完成。塞利格曼说，这三点很重要，但是参与和意义对幸福生活影响最大。

Revisit your relationships. Are they satisfactory? Do you have a good support network in place? If not, work on building it up. When you hit a bump in the road having supportive people around you will make a world of difference.

重温你的关系网，这些关系是否令人满意呢？你有一个很好地支持你的交际网吗？如果没有，建设起来。当你遇到颠簸的道路，支持你的人可以帮你创造出不同的世界。

Also, review how you contribute to a larger purpose. Focusing on something bigger than you are helps to keep things in perspective.

此外，知道如何做有助于实现更大的目标。看的更广阔的可以让你看事情更正确。

2. Set realistic expectations.

设定切合自我实际的目标。

You are human. Forcing or faking happiness leads to misery and conflict. Even if you create your happiness foundation and achieve a state of general well-being, you will have your ups and downs. It's how you deal with those fluctuations that matters. Condemnation and negativity will jeopardize your state of balance. Get real. Eliminate the pressure and you will bounce back more quickly.

你是个普通人。强迫或者伪造幸福会导致痛苦和冲突。即使你创造了你的幸福基础，实现了总体幸福感的状态，你也将有你的跌宕起伏。因此，你如何处理那些生活中的波动至关重要。谴责和否认定将危及你的平衡状态，面对现实吧！消除压力，你会更迅速的恢复活力。

3. Allow your feelings, rather than resisting them.

遵从真实感受，而不是抵制它们。

There are days when you will wake up feeling unhappy. Whether you fully understand it or not, it's important to accept that this happens. Be patient with yourself. Don't complain, but do indulge in a little time to examine your feelings without criticism. Rather than, "I hate when I feel like this," try "It's interesting that I have these feelings." Be OK with it and examine the feelings for a little while if they merit your attention. If not, simply turn your focus to your larger purpose to prevent yourself from dwelling on something that isn't dwell-worthy.

总有当你醒来感觉不快的几天。无论你是否完全理解，重要的是要接受这种情况的发生。对自己有耐心。不要抱怨，而是要不带批判性的检查自己的情绪。不是“我讨厌当我有这种感觉的时候”，而是试着想想“有这种感觉很奇妙。” 对这些情绪保持淡定，如果这种情绪值得关注，检查它；如果没有，把你的关注点放在更大的目标上，来防止你关注不必要的东西。

4. Be ready for change.

为改变做好准备。

Ups and downs are normal, but if you find yourself in what feels like a constant state of unhappiness it's important to listen to what your body and mind are telling you. Life has a funny way of tapping us on the shoulder when we need to create change. If you don't pay attention to the gentle tapping, you may be surprised by a less gentle reminder--or series of them.

跌宕起伏是正常的，但是如果你处于一个一直不开心的状态，有必要听从你身体和情感的意愿。生活以一种有趣的方式，在我们需要改变时轻拍我们的肩膀。如果你没有注意到这种轻拍，你可能会对不太温和的提醒感到惊讶（这样的提醒可能会有一大串）。

Either way, your subconscious mind will get your attention to suggest, or force, change. So make it easy on yourself and pay attention to the gentle tap. What is the cause of your unhappiness? Find someone who can help you sort through it, and embrace the change that lies ahead. You are on your way.

无论怎样，你会关注你的潜意识，或者强迫自己去改变。因此，放轻松，注意到生活的轻拍。你的不快乐源于什么？找一个人帮助你理清思路，拥抱你未来的改变，你正在路上。