当妻子挣得更多时 你怎么想?

I'm one of the 40% of American women, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, who are the breadwinners for their families-that is, we earn more than our husbands. Like millions of my sisters, this puts me smack in the middle of a distinctively modern dilemma: how to handle the tensions of a marriage between an alpha woman and a beta man.

根据美国劳工统计局(Bureau of Labor Statistics)的数据，美国有40%的女性是家中的顶梁柱──也就是说，她们的收入比自己的丈夫要高。而我就是这40%中的一员。如同我那数百万名女性同胞一样，这让我陷入了当代社会独有的一个困境之中：该如何面对夫妻之间因女强男弱而带来的紧张关系。

My husband, an antiques restorer whose field has all but evaporated as a result of the recession, does his best to help with chores and child care, while earning enough to pay utilities and car-insurance bills. I'm the one who works an octopus-armed 12- to 14-hour day, often seven days a week. When I finally come to bed, I'm depleted and vibrating with anxiety.

我先生是一位古董修复师，而由于经济衰退，他这个行当几乎是全军覆没了。我先生挣来的钱足够支付水电煤气的费用，以及我们的汽车保险费，与此同时，他还在尽力帮着做家务和照顾孩子。我是家中那个每天像八爪鱼似的工作12到14个小时而且往往一周要工作七天的人。终于能上床睡觉时，我总是筋疲力尽，心中还充满了焦虑。

We're hardly alone. Over the past couple of years, articles and books have declared that the end of men is nigh and that female alphas are surging. The husbands of these hard-charging women have largely been painted either as stay-at-home slacker dudes who play videogames (while their toddlers pee on the rug for the third time that day) or saint-like dads who supportively cook, clean and run errands, to say nothing of handling doctors' appointments and homework assignments.

我们并不是特例。过去几年间，不少文章和书籍都曾宣称，男性主导的时代行将结束，强势的女性正在崛起。躲在那些冲锋陷阵女性背后的男士们大多被描述成两类：要么是宅在家里整天打游戏的懒鬼（而这时候他们蹒跚学步的孩子却一天之内第三次尿在了地毯上），要么就是圣人一般伟大的爸爸，全力支持妻子，会做饭、打扫房间、跑腿做杂事，更不用说处理跟医生预约以及帮着孩子完成家庭作业这类事情了。

Such portraits are exaggerated, of course, and represent the extremes of a continuum. Perhaps because men of this generation were raised in the wake of the women's movement, a culture that introduced values of equality, many of them don't seem to have a problem with their wives earning more than they do.

当然，这类描述都有些夸张，只代表了普罗大众中的极端特例。或许由于这一代男性是在女权运动（女权运动起到了启蒙平等价值观的作用）发生之后长大的，因此他们中的许多人对于妻子挣得比自己多这样的事情并不介意。

There's one caveat, though: The men want their own salaries alone to be enough, in theory, to float the family. When they can't meet this standard, they can feel enraged, shamed, explosive. And their wives often feel resentful and pressured.

不过这里有个前提条件：男性们希望自己的收入，从理论上，足以支付家中的日常开支。当达不到这个标准时，他们会感觉愤怒、羞愧和暴躁。而他们的妻子往往会感觉到不满和压力。

'I don't think so much about gender roles, but I do feel angry and helpless because I can't financially support the family unit,' says Greg McFadden, 39, an actor and stay-at-home dad, whose wife, Shannon Hummel, 38, serves as breadwinner (they have one child, age 6). She works as a teacher and as artistic director of a Brooklyn dance company. 'I'm sick of reading these articles and daddy blogs, about how 'empowered' men are to be caretakers. Ask them how they feel about not earning a paycheck.'

现年39岁的格雷格•麦克法登(Greg McFadden)是一位演员，也是一位居家父亲，他38岁的妻子香农•赫梅尔(Shannon Hummel)是养家的主力（他们有一个孩子，今年六岁）。香农是一位老师，同时在布鲁克林一家舞蹈公司任艺术总监。格雷格说，“我不是特别介意性别角色，不过由于我不能从财力上支撑一个家，我的确会感觉懊恼无助。我烦透了那些爸爸们写的男性在照顾家庭方面如何‘强大’之类的文章和博客了，问问他们挣不到钱什么感觉吧。”

How many families are in this situation? It depends a lot on income level. An April report by the Center for American Progress looked at U.S. women who earn as much or more than their husbands and found that 34% of wives in families with incomes in the top 20% are the breadwinners, whereas 70% of those in the bottom 20% are. Roughly half of wives are the breadwinners in middle-income families.

有多少美国家庭处于这种状况？这很大程度上取决于收入水平。美国进步中心(Center for American Progress)今年4月份发表了一份关于收入水平与丈夫相同或者更高女性的报告。这份报告显示，家庭收入位列全美前20%的家庭中，女性是养家主力的比例是34%，而在家庭收入最低的20%家庭中，女性收入较高的比例是70%。对于中等收入家庭而言，女性为养家主力的比例大约是一半。

The emotional dynamic between these women and their husbands also varies greatly, depending on family circumstances. In a recent poll of 400 female breadwinners conducted by the women's financial media site DailyWorth.com, only 22% of wives without children felt a negative impact on their marriages. But it was a different story for women with children-36% felt their higher earnings had a negative effect.

由于家庭环境不同，女性和她们丈夫之间的情感互动状况也大不相同。女性理财网站DailyWorth.com近来对400位作为养家主力的女性进行了一项调查，结果显示，其中没有孩子的女性中，只有22%的人感觉她们的婚姻受到了负面影响。不过对于有孩子的女性来说，则完全是另外一回事儿了，其中36%的人感觉比丈夫收入高对她们的婚姻产生了负面影响。

An obvious sore spot with many husbands in such marriages is the reversal of traditional gender roles. In San Diego, former airline-shuttle operator Conan Cott, the husband of U.S. Navy computer-systems and organization specialist Michele Cott, has been caring for the couple's 4-year-old twins since they were born. While Conan says 'it is great to be able to see my children grow and learn,' his role as keeper of the home rankles. 'The lawn needs to be watered, the cat box is stinky, there are dirty socks in the living room, silverware in the grass out back, and I can't get those children to get to bed at 7:30 no matter how hard I try,' he says.

对于处于这样婚姻状况的许多男性而言，一个显然不能触碰的痛处在于，传统的性别角色被颠倒了。圣地亚哥前机场大巴司机科南•科特(Conan Cott)自孩子出生起就一直在家照顾他们现如今已经四岁的一对双胞胎。科南的妻子米歇尔•科特(Michele Cott)是美国海军电脑系统和组织方面的专家。虽然科南说，“能够看着我的孩子们一天天成长并学会新东西，这很棒。”不过管家的角色却让他有些头痛，他说，“草地该浇水了，猫砂已经臭烘烘的了，卧室里到处都是臭袜子，银餐具丢在外面的草地上，而不管我多努力，都没办法在7:30前让孩子们上床睡觉。”

Michele says, 'I hear myself saying things that the stereotypical husband says, and he replies with the stereotypical wife response. All of this puts immense pressure on our marriage.'

米歇尔说，“我听见自己在说着那些典型的丈夫们说的话，而他的回答也是典型的妻子们的回答。所有这些都让我们的婚姻承受着巨大的压力。”

In New York City, Matthew Perry works part-time while his wife M.P. has a high-paying office job as an editor. Matthew feels taken for granted and professionally trapped in the way that many contemporary stay-at-home moms often do. 'M.P. doesn't have to worry about having to cover child care here and there. It's always me who has to subtract from my work day,' he says.

住在纽约市的马修•佩里(Matthew Perry)从事兼职工作，而他的妻子M.P.是一位拿着高薪的编辑。如同许多当代的居家妈妈那样，马修感觉自己在职业方面陷入了困境。他说，“M.P.不必为如何照顾孩子而操心。不得不从工作中分心出来的那个人总是我。”

Pressure eases up-and perceptions seem to change-when husbands' salaries are enough to support the family should the wives' pay evaporate. That's the case with public-relations executive Alison Risso, 39, who makes twice as much as her husband, Jon, a civil engineer; their children are aged 6 and 8. The way Jon sees it, he and his wife want different things from their careers but share the same family goals and values.

若是丈夫的薪酬足以在妻子没有收入的情况下支撑起这个家，那么压力会缓和许多，而且双方的看法似乎也会不一样。艾莉森•瑞索(Alison Risso)一家就是这种情况。今年39岁的艾莉森是一位负责公关业务的高层管理者，她的收入是她做土木工程师的丈夫乔恩(Jon)的两倍。他们有两个孩子，一个六岁，一个八岁。在乔恩看来，他和妻子只是在职业道路上所追求的目标有所不同，但俩人在家庭目标和价值观上是一致的。

'I'm not the ambitious type like Alison, so I'm happy for her to make more money because there is no pressure on me to have to work my way up the ladder to become vice president,' Jon says. Plus, less executive responsibility translates into more flexibility to work on a family-friendly schedule. He is home on time to pick the children up from school and cook dinner, since Alison is rarely back from the office before 7 p.m.

乔恩说，“我不像艾莉森那么雄心勃勃，因此她挣钱更多我也很开心，因为这样我就没有压力了，不必非要去奋力拼搏当上副总裁不可了。”另外，工作上少一些管理方面的职责意味着可以有更灵活的时间安排来处理家中的事情。由于艾莉森很少在晚上七点前从办公室回来，乔恩便会准时回家接孩子放学、做晚饭。

As for the Brooklyn couple Shannon and Greg, they've arrived at a workable, if sometimes shaky, arrangement. She acknowledges that she has to be better at appreciating Greg's difficulties in juggling both child care and unpredictable work. But she also insisted that she needs a vacation. 'I want to go away for two weeks in the summer, and that means that to swing it, we're house-swapping and cooking all our own food,' she says. 'But it's worth it. That reward needs to be there, or the whole thing falls apart.'

至于上文提到过的布鲁克林的香农和格雷格，他们已经做出了一个可行的安排，尽管这安排也许不一定奏效。香农承认她必须给予格雷格更多的理解，体谅他一边照料孩子一边面对不稳定的工作时的辛苦。不过她也坚持说，自己需要一个假期。她说，“今年夏天我想离开两周，这意味着会有些变化，我们会和别人交换住房，然后全部自己做饭吃。不过，这样做也值得。需要有些奖励，否则整个家可能会都垮掉。”

Greg says, 'When you reach philosophical agreement, it does help melt away resentment. But even though we're on the same page, we're not really there yet. It's a work in progress.'

格雷格说，“当你们豁达地取得了一致，这的确有助于缓解各自的怨恨情绪。不过尽管我们的想法达成了大体一致，但我们尚未真正做到。我们还在努力中。”