我的前任很有魅力但却吹毛求疵

The dilemma I'm a woman in my early 30s and six months ago I was dumped. Our relationship was long distance, developed quickly and was the most intense of my life. He is 10 years my senior and is a unique, charismatic, charming man who makes a good impression on everyone. In private, however, he could be unkind, judgmental and emotionally distant. He could also be demanding, controlling and critical. During our relationship he pushed me to enter his world of ideas, books, films and art.

年过30的我，进退两难--六个月前，我被甩了。那是一段发展迅速的异地恋，也是我人生中最热烈的一段感情。他比我大10岁，特立独行而富有魅力，给所有人都留下了好印象。然而，私下里的他却刻薄、挑剔、与人疏远。他也极为苛刻、控制欲强、吹毛求疵。恋爱过程中，他迫使我进入他的世界，想他所想、看他所看（书、电影）、欣赏他所欣赏（艺术）。

If I didn't show enough interest, he would become disappointed and irritable. He would often ask me to articulate my thoughts and tell him what I needed, but I felt put on the spot and could never seem to act decisively in those moments. Now I am suffering a crisis of confidence as I struggle to define what makes me interesting. I can't seem to separate my own interests from his - and they all remind me of him. I was in the process of moving to his city (for career reasons as well) when he ended it. My plans have become totally destabilised and I have lost my sense of self.

如果我没有表现出浓厚的兴趣，他就会十分失望、脾气暴躁。他也会让我表达自己的想法，告诉他我需要什么，但这种时候我往往觉得为难，难以变得果断。现在，我的自信心受挫，难以找出自身的闪光点。我好像难以将自己的兴趣和他的兴趣分开--所有这些都会让我想起他。他决定分手时，我正打算搬到他的城市（当然也有工作原因）。我的计划被完全打乱了，我失去了自我。

Mariella replies No wonder. That's exactly what he was programmed to do. Most women I know have one such Svengali-style relationship under their belt. My own took up most of my late 20s, so I know what you are feeling. Often it's men that little bit older whose inability to achieve their own ambitions gives them a craving for moulding others.

马瑞拉（Mariella）回复道：难怪。他就是这么计划的。我认识的大多数女性都经历过斯文加利式的恋情（Svengali-style relationship）。就我个人而言，这段恋情几乎占据了我二十七八年华的大部分时间，所以我明白你的感受。通常，这样的男人都年纪稍大，他们无法实现自己的野心，渴望塑造他人。

These characters thrive on the taste of power it offers and the distraction from their own insecurities. Mostly, such relationships occur in our 20s when we are young enough to still be searching for our true selves and impressionable enough to cede trust to someone who makes it very clear that we're not up to scratch. These "role models" tend to impress upon us our own deficiencies with enough conviction that we foolishly hand over the reins to them to make better people of us.

这些人渴求权利，但却因自身的不安全感而分散注意力。大多数情况下，这种恋情发生在20多岁，那时候的我们异常年轻，仍在追求真我；也极易受影响，轻易相信那些认为我们不够格的人。这些"榜样"往往让我们意识到自己的不足，并让我们坚信：在他们的帮助下，我们会变得更优秀。