我该如何抵御出轨的冲动?

Dear Sugars,

亲爱的糖糖，

My boyfriend of two years is brilliant, supportive, generous and not the least bit jealous. We’re sublimely compatible, the envy of our friends. The sex is amazing, too. Someday, when he’s ready, I intend to marry him. My problem is that I have to fight the urge to cheat on him all the time. My libido is incredibly strong, but what I crave is the seduction: sensing each other across the room, the eye contact, the playfulness, that first electric touch on the knee or shoulder that lasts a second too long.

男朋友和我交往了两年，他聪明、支持我、慷慨、毫无嫉妒心。我们非常般配，朋友都羡慕我们。我们的性爱也很不错。我打算等他准备好了就和他结婚。问题是，我必须一直克服出轨的冲动。我的性欲非常强烈，但我更渴望的是诱惑：感觉到对方在房间另一头、眼神接触、开玩笑、第一次触摸膝盖或肩膀超过一秒时那种通电般的感觉。

It wouldn’t be so difficult to resist if I weren’t eternally confronted with an abundance of willing partners, all of them sexy, trustworthy (in terms of not telling anyone, anyway), and most of them married. I find it immensely difficult to reconcile myself with the reality of never experiencing that seductive dance again.

我总会遇到大量愿意配合的对象，所以冲动就更加难以抵御，他们都很性感、值得信赖（至少不会把这事告诉任何人），而且他们当中大多数人都已经结婚了。我发现，如果再也不能体验那种诱惑的舞步，我会觉得很难忍受。

To my astonishment, I’ve so far resisted these impulses. Can I rely on my moral compass forever, or am I one Cosmo away from disaster? Should I bring up the shocking and destabilizing possibility of an open relationship in the context of my monogamous relationship, or do I simply police myself in silence? Do I seek therapy or catharsis? Is this even normal?

令我惊讶的是，到目前为止，我一直抵制着这些冲动。我可以永远信赖自己的道德指南针吗，还是灾难与我隔着一个宇宙？在一夫一妻的前提下，我是否应该提出关于开放式关系的建议，引入那种令人震惊和破坏稳定的可能性，还是应当警惕地保持沉默？我是否应当寻求心理治疗或宣泄？这是否正常？

Wanton Woman

放荡女人

Cheryl Strayed: I think you’re “one Cosmo away from disaster,” if by disaster you mean acting upon your desires. As I wrote in my book “Tiny Beautiful Things”: “You can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out.” And you, Wanton Woman — right now, in this relationship — are faking it. So let the truth win out. You love your boyfriend, but you loathe the constraints that your relationship with him places upon you. You see a future with him, but you want a lot of other men in your present. Tell your boyfriend these truths and see where it leads you. It could be an open relationship, it could be a breakup, or it could be that the two of you talk about what you truly long for in your erotic lives and you find a way to get it while remaining monogamous. The value of such a conversation isn’t only that it’s a good idea to be honest with your partner, but also because it’s miserable to pretend to be or want something that you aren’t or don’t. The sort of agony you’reexperiencing right now seldom disappears on its own. In most cases, there are only two ways out of it. You either bring about disaster by some manner of reckless behavior, or you tell the truth. You’ll be so much better off in the long run if you find the courage to do the latter.

谢丽尔·史翠德(Cheryl Strayed)：我认为“灾难与你隔着一个宇宙”，如果你所谓的灾难意味着按照自己的欲望行事。正如我在《小而美的事情》(Tiny Beautiful Things)一书中所写的那样：“你不能伪造问题的核心。存在于那里的真相最终会取得胜利。”而你，放荡女人——在现在的这段关系中——正在伪造这个核心。所以让真相取得胜利吧。你爱你的男友，但你不喜欢你与他的关系给你带来的限制。你看到了和他在一起的未来，但你现在还想要很多其他男人。把这些真相告诉你的男友，看看这会带给你什么结果。可能是开放性的关系，可能是分手，也可能是你们俩开始讨论你们在性生活中真正渴望的东西，并且找到一种在维持一夫一妻的情况下获得它的办法。这种对话的价值不仅在于对伴侣诚实是好事，而且还因为，假装成你所不是的人，或者假装想要你不想要的东西，这是非常悲惨的。你现在所经历的这种痛苦很少会自行消失。在大多数情况下，只有两种方法。要么采取某种鲁莽的行为，最终导致灾难；要么实话实说。如果你有勇气做后者，那么从长远来看会好得多。

Steve Almond: I want to say a quick word about your signoff. In short: I think the adjective “wanton” is a patriarchal trap, one that has long been used to stigmatize (if not criminalize) feminine sexuality. Don’t fall for it. Your sexuality belongs to you and nobody else. Your job is to own it. That means, as Cheryl suggests, being honest about your desires. Policing yourself into silence is almost never a good idea. Our urges don’t go away because we ignore them, after all. They become spring-loaded with the force of our suppression. You need to speak with your wonderful boyfriend, the one you tell us is not the least bit jealous. But before you do that, I’d urge you to identify precisely what your desires are. Do you want to engage in sexual acts with other men? Or do you want to partake in the initial stages of the seduction? There are plenty of people in your situation — people who love their partners but also feel compelled to seek out erotic energy from other sources. There’s nothing more normal, frankly. The challenge for you is to be upfront about your urges. Deceit will curdle a happy relationship much quicker than a high-octane libido.

史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德(Steve Almond)：我想简单谈谈你的署名。简而言之：我认为“放荡”这个词是一种父权制陷阱，长期以来，人们用这个词将女性的性能力污名化（如果不是为其定罪）。不要落入这个圈套。你的性能力属于你，而不是其他任何人。你要做的就是拥有它。这意味着，正如谢丽尔所说的，诚实地对待你的欲望。警惕地保持沉默基本上不是一个好主意。毕竟，冲动不会因为我们忽视它们就消失。在压迫的力量之下，它会变得好像弹簧一样。你需要和你那了不起的男朋友交流，你告诉我们，那个男人根本没有嫉妒心。但在你这样做之前，我会恳请你准确地界定自己的欲望。你想和其他男人发生性行为吗？或者你只想享受诱惑的初期阶段？很多人都和你处在同样的情况——他们爱自己的伴侣，但也被迫从其他来源寻求性能量。坦率地说，这再正常不过了。你面临的挑战是对自己的冲动坦诚。要终结一段幸福的关系，欺骗会比强烈的性欲来得更快。

CS: You already understand that it’s the “seductive dance” you crave rather than sex. Like Steve, I encourage you to examine that more deeply. What is that dance, after all, but a tremendous affirmation that one is attractive, longed for, temporarily powerful and possibly loved? Perhaps the sexual attention you receive from men serves as a proxy for your self-esteem. That was certainly true for me when I was in my 20s. Back then, I had what you have now: a man I loved and a profound desire for a multitude of other men to assure me that I was special by locking eyes with me across a room. I believed myself to be the label you’ve given yourself, Wanton Woman, but I now understand that I was wrong. I wasn’t wanton. I was famished. I had a hole to fill, and it wasn’t in my pants. In order to figure that out, I had to let go of the man I loved and eventually the throng of seductive men as well. Maybe that’s true for you, too. Your conundrum about the men in your life might only be answered once youmore fully solve the riddle of yourself.

谢丽尔·史翠德：你已经明白，你更渴望的是“诱惑的舞步”，而不是性。和史蒂夫一样，我鼓励你更深入地研究一下。那个舞步究竟是什么？只是一种感觉自己有魅力、被人渴望、拥有暂时的力量和被爱的可能性的极大肯定吗？也许你把从男人那里得到的性关注作为一种自尊的象征。当我20多岁的时候，这种感觉当然是真的。那时候，我也和现在的你一样：我有一个爱人，但也强烈地渴望许多男人都能在房间里一眼看到我，让我感到自己很特别。我也相信自己是那个你给自己贴的标签——一个放荡女人，但现在我明白我错了。我并不放荡。我只是很饥渴。我有一个洞需要去填补，而它并不在我的裤子里。为了弄明白这一点，我不得不放弃我心爱的男人，最终也放弃了那些充满诱惑的男人。也许这对你来说也是如此。只有当你能够更充分地解答关于自己的谜语时，你才能回答关于你生活中那些男人的难题。

SA: One thing we know from our infidelity series is that long-term monogamy always invites a paradox. Intimacy relies on familiarity and repetition, while desire thrives on novelty and the unknown. That’s why you feel that special electricity when you flirt with someone new. As Cheryl notes, these desires may be trying to tell you that you’re not quite ready to settle down. But it’s also possible that you and your partner can find a way to integrate your desires into the life you share. This may involve changing the terms of the relationship, and/or finding ways to inject a sense of adventure and mystery into it. To this end, I recommend reading Ester Perel’s wonderful book, “Mating in Captivity,” which argues that traditional monogamy doesn’t have to be a death sentence to your erotic imagination, nor even a prison. Your boyfriend may be fine with you exploring your sexuality. But chances are, his feelings will be more complicated, and that you’ll be asked to make some decisions about what you’re willing to sacrifice. The only way to know is to confess the contents of your heart to him. You two have some decisions to make. I urge you to make them together, in a spirit of love and respect.

史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德：我们从出轨系列中了解到的一件事是，长期的一夫一妻关系总会引发悖论。亲密关系依赖于熟悉和重复，而欲望则在新奇和未知中成长。所以当你和新人调情时会感觉到特别的电流。正如谢丽尔指出的那样，这些欲望可能是在告诉你，你还没准备好安定下来。但是，你和你的伴侣也有可能找到办法，将你的欲望融入你们二人分享的生活之中。这可能涉及改变亲密关系的条件，以及（或者）找到将冒险与神秘感注入其中的方法。为此，我建议阅读伊斯特·佩雷尔(Ester Perel)的精彩书籍《囚禁中的求偶》(Mating in Captivity)，该书认为，维持传统的一夫一妻制不一定意味着扼杀甚至是限制你的情色想象。你的男友可能会觉得你探索你的性欲是没问题的。但是也有可能，他的感觉会变得更加复杂，并且会要求你做出一些关于你愿意牺牲什么的决定。要想知道答案，唯一的办法就是向他承认你的心事。你们需要做出一些决定。我恳请你们带着爱意与尊重一起完成。