缺乏安全感吗?这真的要怪你父母

Yes, It’s Your Parents’ Fault

缺乏安全感吗？这真的要怪你父母

We live in a culture that celebrates individualism and self-reliance, and yet we humans are an exquisitely social species, thriving in good company and suffering in isolation. More than anything else, our intimate relationships, or lack thereof, shape and define our lives.

我们的文化赞美个人主义和自力更生，但人类是一种敏感的群居物种，相处良好的关系让人精神抖擞，孤独的人则感到痛苦。有没有亲密的人际关系，对于塑造和定义我们生活具有非同一般的作用。

While there have been many schools of thought to help us understand what strains and maintains human bonds, from Freudian to Gestalt, one of the most rigorously studied may be the least known to the public.

从佛洛伊德到格式塔，有很多学派在帮助我们了解维系人际关系，导致关系紧张的因素，但有一种理论对这方面进行了最为细致的研究，却有可能是最不为人所知的一个。

It’s called attachment theory, and there’s growing consensus about its capacity to explain and improve how we function in relationships.

它就是依恋理论，人们对其解释和改进人际关系的能力正产生越来越多的共识。

Conceived more than 50 years ago by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby and scientifically validated by an American developmental psychologist, Mary S. Ainsworth, attachment theory is now having a breakout moment, applied everywhere from inner-city preschools to executive coaching programs. Experts in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, sociology and education say the theory’s underlying assumption — that the quality of our early attachments profoundly influences how we behave as adults — has special resonance in an era when people seem more attached to their smartphones than to one another.

这个理论是50多年前英国心理学家约翰·巴比(British Bowlby)设想出来的，美国发展心理学家玛丽·S·安斯沃思(Mary S. Ainsworth)以科学方法对其进行了验证。依恋理论现在获得了前所未有的普及，从老城区的幼儿园到企管培训课程，很多地方都运用在这个理论。其基本假设是，我们的早期依恋的质量深刻影响了我们的成年阶段。心理学、神经科学、社会学和教育领域的专家说，如今人们似乎更依恋智能手机而不是依恋彼此，依恋理论的基本假设在这个时代存在一种特别的反响。

By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template of how we think relationships work, based on how our parents or other primary caregivers treat us. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, because we need to figure out early on how to survive in our immediate environment.

婴儿一周岁的时候，大脑中就已经形成了一个几乎不可磨灭的对关系的思考模式，父母或其他看护者对待婴儿的方式塑造了这个思考模式。从进化的角度来看，这是有道理的，因为婴儿需要早点弄清楚如何在当前的环境中生存下去。

“If you’re securely attached, that’s great, because you have the expectation that if you are distressed you will be able to turn to someone for help and feel you can be there for others,” said Miriam Steele, the co-director of the Center for Attachment Research at the New School for Social Research in New York.

“如果你能安全地依恋某人，那非常好，因为你会觉得，在心情不好的时候，你可以向某人寻求帮助，而且觉得你也可以帮助别人，”纽约社会研究新学院依恋研究中心(Center for Attachment Research at the New School for Social Research)联合主任米里林·斯蒂尔(Miriam Steele)说。

It’s not so great if you are one of the 40 percent to 50 percent of babies who, a meta-analysis of research indicates, are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal (their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhaps threatening). “Then you have to earn your security,” Dr. Steele said, by later forming secure attachments that help you override your flawed internal working model.

一项综合分析表明，40%到50%的婴儿在这方面的状况不佳，具有不安全的依恋模式，因为他们的早期经历不理想（看护者心不在焉、霸道专横、不上心、不可靠、不在场，或者可能进行了胁迫）。“这样你就必须努力去争取获得安全感，”斯蒂尔说，晚一些时候形成的安全依恋风格，可以帮助你改写有缺陷的内在运作模式。

Given that the divorce rate is also 40 percent to 50 percent, it would seem that this is not an easy task. Indeed, researchers said, people who have insecure attachment models tend to be drawn to those who fit their expectations, even if they are treated badly. They may subconsciously act in ways that elicit insensitive, unreliable or abusive behavior, whatever is most familiar. Or they may flee secure attachments because they feel unfamiliar.

鉴于离婚率也是40%至50%，这看上去不像是一个容易的任务。事实上，研究人员说，如果你的依恋模式属于不安全的类型，你容易被符合你的期望的人吸引，即使他们对你并不好。你可能会在潜意识的驱使下做一些事情，引起不敏感、不可靠或虐待行为，这些是你最熟悉的行为。你也可能会逃离安全的依恋关系，因为这让你感到陌生。

“Our attachment system preferentially sees things according to what has happened in the past,” said Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist at Columbia University and the co-author of the book “Attached,” which explores how attachment behaviors affect the neurochemistry of the brain. “It’s kind of like searching in Google where it fills in based on what you searched before.”

哥伦比亚大学的精神病学家阿米尔·列文(Amir Levine)和《依恋》(Attached)一书的合著者说：“我们的依恋系统优先看到过去发生的事情。这就像是谷歌搜索服务会根据你之前搜索的内容进行自动填充一样。”《依恋》探索了依恋行为如何影响大脑的神经化学机制。

But again, history is not necessarily destiny. Intervention programs at the New School and the University of Delaware are having marked success helping at-risk groups like teenage mothers change their attachment behaviors (often passed down through generations) and establish more secure relationships. Another attachment-based intervention strategy called Circle of Security, which has 19,000 trained facilitators in 20 countries, has also proved effective.

但是，历史不一定就会决定命运。新学院和特拉华大学的干预项目取得了显著的成功，这些项目帮助少女母亲这样的高危群体改变依恋行为（通常会代代相传），并建立更安全的关系。另一个称为安全圈(Circle of Security)的项目也被证明是有效的，这是一个基于依恋的干预项目，在20个国家有1.9万名训练有素的协调员。

What these protocols have in common is promoting participants’ awareness of their attachment style, and their related sabotaging behaviors, as well as training on how to balance vulnerability and autonomy in relationships.

这些协议的共同点是促进参与者对自己的依恋风格及其相关破坏行为的认识，训练他们去平衡关系中的脆弱性和自主性。

One reason attachment theory has “gained so much traction lately is its ideas and observations are so resonant with our daily lives,” said Kenneth Levy, an associate professor of psychology at Pennsylvania State University who researches attachment-oriented psychotherapy.

宾夕法尼亚州立大学依恋心理疗法的心理学副教授肯尼思·利维(Kenneth Levy)说，依恋理论“获得了这么多的关注的一个原因是，它的理念和观点与我们的日常生活存在很多共鸣。”

Indeed, if you look at the classic categories of attachment styles — secure; insecure anxious; insecure avoidant; and insecure disorganized — it’s pretty easy to figure out which one applies to you and others in your life. The categories stem from tens of thousands of observations of babies and toddlers whose caregivers leave them briefly, either alone or with a stranger, and then return, a test known as the “strange situation.” The labels can also apply to how adults behave toward loved ones in times of stress.

事实上，如果你看看经典的依恋风格类型——安全型、不安全焦虑型、不安全回避型，和不安全紊乱型——很容易看出你和你遇见过的人属于哪种类型。这种分类来自于对数以千计的婴儿和幼儿的观察，他们的看护者离开一会儿，留下他们独自一人或者是和陌生人待一起，然后看护者再返回，这称为“陌生情景”的测试。而成年人在遇到压力的时候如何对待他们喜欢的人，也可以分为这些类型。

Secure children get upset when their caregivers leave, and run toward them with outstretched arms when they return. They fold into the caregiver and are quickly soothed. A securely attached adult similarly goes to a loved one for comfort and support when they, say, are passed over for a promotion at work or feel vulnerable or hurt. They are also eager to reciprocate when the tables are turned.

安全型的孩子在看护者离开时表现出不安，并在看护者回来时伸出手臂向他们跑去。他们抱住看护者，情绪很快就舒缓下来。类似地，安全型的成年人如果错过晋升，或感觉脆弱受伤时，也会向亲人寻求安慰和支持。而当亲人遇到问题时，他们也乐于提供安慰和支持。

Children high on the insecure anxious end of the spectrum get upset when caregivers leave and may go to them when they return. But these children aren’t easily soothed, usually because the caregiver has proved to be an unreliable source of comfort in the past. They may kick and arch their back as if they are angry. As adults, they tend to obsess about their relationships and may be overly dramatic in order to get attention. They may hound romantic interests instead of taking it slow.

不安全焦虑型的儿童在看护人离开时会感到不安，并且可能在看护人回来的时候走向他们。但是这些孩子的焦虑情绪不容易缓解，这通常是因为过去的一些事情已经证明看护者作为安慰的来源不太可靠。孩子可能会有踢打、弓背等动作，好像在生气。作为成年人，这种类型倾向于对关系过于沉迷，可能会做出过度戏剧化的事情，以便获得注意。他们可能会迅速升温恋情，而不是慢慢发展。

Insecure avoidant children don’t register distress when their caregivers leave (although their stress hormones and heart rate may be sky high) and they don’t show much interest when caregivers return, because they are used to being ignored or rebuffed. Alternatively, a parent may have smothered them with too much attention. Insecure avoidant adults tend to have trouble with intimacy and are more likely to leave relationships, particularly if they are going well. They may not return calls and resist talking about their feelings.

不安全回避型的孩子在看护者离开时，没有表现出痛苦（尽管他们的压力激素和心率可能大大升高），并且在看护者回来时，他们也不会表现出很大的兴趣，可能因为他们习惯了被忽略或拒绝，或者可能是父母太多的关注让他们感到窒息。不安全回避型成年人容易在亲密关系中感到别扭，离开一段关系的可能性更大，特别是在关系发展顺利的时候。他们可能会不回电话，拒绝谈论自己的感觉。

Finally, insecure disorganized children and adults display both anxious and avoidant behaviors in an illogical and erratic manner. This behavior is usually the lingering result of situations where a childhood caregiver was threatening or abusive.

最后，不安全紊乱型儿童和成人会用不合逻辑、不稳定的方式来表现焦虑和回避行为。这通常是儿童遭到看护者威胁或虐待的长期结果。

Tools to determine your dominant attachment style include the Adult Attachment Interview, which is meant to be administered by a clinician, or self-report questionnaires like the Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey. But critics said their accuracy depends on the skill and training of the interviewer in the case of the former and the self-awareness of the test taker in the latter, which perhaps explains why you can take both tests and end up in different categories.

要确定你的主要依恋风格，可以到临床医生那里进行成人依恋面谈(Adult Attachment Interview)，或者是填写自我调查问卷，比如《依恋风格和紧密关系调查问卷》(Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey)。但批评者说，该工具的准确性在前一种情况下取决于受访者的技能和受过的训练，后一种情况下取决于测试者的自我意识，这也许可以解释为什么你参加的这两种测试结果可能会不一样。

“It can also be possible that people should be viewed as along a continuum in all categories,” said Glenn I. Roisman, the director of the Relationships Research Lab at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.

“我们可能也应该把所有类别看成渐变的连续带，”明尼阿波利斯明尼苏达大学关系研究实验室主任格伦·I·若斯曼(Glenn I. Roisman)说。

It’s worth noting that just as people in the insecure categories can become more secure when they form close relationships with secure people, secure people can become less so if paired with people who are insecure. “You need social context to sustain your sense of security,” said Peter Fonagy, a professor of psychoanalysis at University College London.

值得注意的是，正如一个不安全类别的人，在与安全型的人建立密切关系时可以变得更趋向于安全型，那些安全型的人在与不安全类别的人交往时，也可能会变得缺乏安全感。伦敦大学学院心理分析教授彼得·方纳吉(Peter Fonagy)说：“你需要社交背景来维持安全感。

He added that having secure attachments is not about being a perfect parent or partner but about maintaining communication to repair the inevitable rifts that occur. In the daily battering of any relationship, Dr. Fonagy said, “if free flow of communication is impaired, the relationship is, too.”

他说，拥有安全型的依恋风格，重点并不在于成为完美的父母或伴侣，而是在于维持沟通、修复难以避免的裂痕。任何关系都会有日常的磕磕碰碰，方纳吉说，“如果自由的交流沟通受到损害，关系也会蒙受损失。”