别人没有你想象的那么关注你

受到赞赏时，我们会很愉悦，而受到质疑时，却常常使人感到沮丧，这是因为我们在意别人的看法，在意那个别人眼中的自己。在意别人的看法，有时候可以看到真实的自己，让自己不断进步，但是如果过分在意别人的看法，却会迷失自己，甚至使自己活的很累。其实，在生活中，别人也并没有你想象的那么关注自己，放下包袱吧，别活得那么累，做自己，才能活得舒心。那么，要怎么放下包袱，做自己呢？

1. Know that it's okay to care what others think

1. 认识到在意别人的想法是可以的

It's fine to care about your reputation. The key is not letting that concern overwhelm you.

关心你的名誉是好事。关键是不要让关心压倒你。

Marissa Russell writes:

Marissa Russell写到：

"You can never fully stop caring how other people think of you.

“你永远不可能完全不去关心别人如何看待你。

"Because human beings are the gatekeepers to so many of the things we strive for in life (job hirings, promotions, award nominations, building a clientele, finding a life partner, etc), what people think of you actually does matter in various cases.

"The key to inner freedom is to care more about what you think of you than what outsiders think of you."

“内在自由的关键是更多地关心你对自己的看法，而不是外在对你的看法。”

2. 记住人们对你并没有那么感兴趣

Several Quora users mentioned that people generally don't care about you as much as you think they do.

好几个Quora用户都提到人们通常不像你想的那样关注你。

Sibell Loitz, for example, prompts readers to consider how much time they spend thinking about others and their behavior: "not that much time."

比如，Sibell Loitz促使读者仔细思考，他们花多少时间去想别人和自己的行为。“没多少时间。”

Psychologists call the tendency to overestimate how much other people pay attention to you the "spotlight effect." In a 2000 study, highlighted on Tech Insider, people were asked to attend a party wearing a t-shirt with a picture of on it (it was supposed to be embarrassing).

高估别人对你的关注程度，心理学家把这称为“焦点效应”。在2000年《技术内幕》发表的研究中，人们被要求穿着印有巴瑞·曼尼洛照片的T恤参加一个派对(这应该很尴尬)。

Sure enough, those people significantly overestimated how much the other people at the party noticed their t-shirt.

果然，那些人大大地高估了派对上其他人对他们T恤的关注。

3. Tell yourself a different story

3. 告诉自己一个不一样的故事

No one can make you think or feel a certain way — it's all about the way you interpret their behavior. So by changing that interpretation, you might be able to make yourself think and feel more positively.

没有人能让你按照固定的方式思考或感受，是你去选择如何解释他们的行为。所以通过改变这种解释，你可能让自己更积极地思考或感受。

Karen Renee gives an example. Maybe you habitually tell yourself: "Today I [action] and everyone laughed. They must think I'm stupid. I'm stupid. Everyone knows I'm stupid. I can't face them again!"

Karen Renee给出了一个例子。也许你会习惯性地告诉自己：“今天我(动作)和其他人都笑了。他们一定会认为我很傻。我很傻。每个人都知道我很傻。我无法再次面对他们了!”

Instead, Renee says you might tell yourself: "Today I [action] and everyone laughed. I think I cheered up a couple people who were having a bad day, even if it was by accident …"

相反，Renee说你可以这样告诉你自己：“今天我(动作)和其他人都笑了。我觉得我鼓舞了一对今天过的很糟糕的夫妇，即使是意外...”

Renee cites Brene Brown's research on getting over shame, and worrying what other people think of you. Brown recently told Tech Insider that her No. 1 "life hack” for lasting relationships is to recognize that your perception of your partner's behavior is "the story I'm making up."

Renee引用Brene Brown的研究来克服羞愧以及对别人想法的担心。Brown最近告诉《技术内幕》，她维持关系的头号“生活技巧”，就是意识到自己对伴侣行为的认知是源于“我自己编的故事。”

"Basically," she said, "you're telling the other person your reading of the situation — and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100% accurate."

“基本上，”她说，“你在告诉其他人你对形势的看法，同时承认你知道这不是百分之百准确的。”

4. Meet more people

4. 见更多的人

Marie Stein recommends diluting someone's strong negative opinion of you by getting lots of other perspectives.

Marie Stein建议通过更多其他方面的视角来稀释别人对你强烈的负面观点。

"The more people you meet, the more you will realize that every one has a different opinion," she writes. "The only opinion about you that matters, that sticks with you for your whole life, and that you can control, is your own."

“你遇见的人越多，你越会意识到每个人都有不同的观点，”她写到。“唯一对你重要、贯穿你生活始终、并且你也可以控制的观点，就是你自己的观点。”

5. Try to make others comfortable

5. 试着让别人感到舒适

"How do you know that others with whom you share company are not themselves insecure?" writes Aurora Clawson.

Aurora Clawson写到，“你怎么知道你分享陪伴的人会不会有不安全感呢?”

"Others may act secure, but so many time[s] that is an act. How about making a point of helping others feel comfortable? Be a nurturer and you won't have to worry about how others think of you."

“其他人可能会表现得可靠，但大多数时候那是一种行为。如何表明帮助别人能感到舒适呢?作为一个养育着，你不必担心别人如何看待你。”

Clawson is right — research suggests that we're generally pretty bad at guessing how much others are struggling. Think about what you can do to make their lives easier, and you may find that your personal concerns are less salient.

Clawson是对的。研究表明，我们通常很不擅长推测别人的奋斗情况。想想你做什么能让他们的生活更容易一些，你可能会发现你的个人担忧不是很突出。

6. Focus on controlling your thoughts, not theirs

6. 集中精力控制你自己的思想，而不是其他人的

Gennaro Cuofano points out that you don't have control over others' thoughts: "Therefore if you spend even one minute of mental energy focusing on what others think of you, you are wasting time and energies."

Gennaro Cuofano指出，你不必控制别人的思想：“因此，如果你花费了乃至一分钟的脑力去担心别人如何看待你，你就是在浪费时间和精力。”

Instead, he suggests trying to manage your own thoughts about the situation.

相反，他建议尽量控制自己对于不同情况的想法。

Meanwhile, psychotherapist Amy Morin writes that mentally strong people rarely focus on things they can't control. Once you shift you focus away from those things, you'll likely be happier and less stressed.

同时，心理治疗师Amy Morin写到，精神强大的人很少把注意力放在他们不能控制的事情上。一旦你把注意力从那些事情上移开，你可能会变得更加快乐，压力也更小。

7. Don't try to please everyone

7. 别试图取悦每个人

Multiple Quora users told the same story, about two people and a donkey, which points to the foolishness of trying to please everyone.

许多Quora用户告诉我一个同样的故事，关于两个人和一头驴子，反映了试图取悦每个人的愚蠢。

At first, two people are riding a donkey, and passersby call them cruel. Then, one person rides the donkey while the other walks, and passersby call the rider selfish. They switch positions and now the new rider is called selfish.

起初，两个人骑着一头驴子，路人说他们残忍。然后，一个人骑着驴子另一个人走路，路人说骑驴的人自私。他们交换了位置，现在那个新的骑驴人被人说自私。

Finally, both people walk alongside the donkey and passersby laugh at them for not knowing how to ride a donkey.

最后，两个人都步行在驴子旁边，路人嘲笑他们不知道如何骑驴。

The moral of the story, says Syeda Ratal Zehra, is that "people will always judge you no matter what."

Syeda Ratal Zehra说，故事的寓意是“不管什么情况，人们总会评判你。”

希望大家在生活中，都能快乐得做自己。