美国晚间脱口秀笑话精选

汇集美国各大晚间脱口秀中一些搞笑Monologue, 时事性资讯性外加些美国幽默。

March 26, 2009

"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here\'s what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They\'ll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno

“我有一个计划，可以结束在伊拉克和阿富汗的战争。我们这么做。我们把我们所有的士兵撤回来。我们再送我们的投资银行家去那里。他们一定只需6个月就能把那里搞得一塌糊涂。 只要6个月！”-杰·雷诺

"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff\'s prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don\'t confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno

“纽约皇后区的一名建筑工人，用伯纳德·麦道夫监狱号码，买彩票中了奖。这个家伙中了1500美元。当然，伯纳德·麦道夫被关在监狱里，是因为他用‘保证赚钱’的巨大骗局，来吸走富人的钱。但是，请不要将他和州政府彩票所混淆。州政府彩票那是用保证赚钱的巨大骗局，来吸走穷人的钱。” ——杰·雷诺

March 25, 2009

"How many watched the President\'s news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he\'s talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno

“这里有多少人观看了昨晚总统的资讯发布会？当他被问到‘为什么等了三天他才大声疾呼表示反对AIG的奖金计划’的时候，你知道，他昨晚有点儿不高兴，奥巴马总统说，他喜欢在说话之前知道自己要说的是什么。所以，这又一是一项与布什的政策完全相反的奥巴马政策。”——杰·雷诺

"No, President Obama also unveiled his new border policy to fight the Mexican drug wars. Interesting. It consists of the feds buying up to 80 percent of all the Mexican cartels. You see, we\'re going to get all the toxic drugs out of the system. We\'re going to buy them up. We will be owners of the drug cartels. I\'m trying to get something with that joke and it\'s going nowhere." --Jay Leno

“ 不，奥巴马总统还推出了新的边境政策，以打击墨西哥的毒品交易。有趣的是。新的政策是：由联邦政府收购所有墨西哥毒品垄断集团多达百分之八十的股份。看，我们将把所有的有毒资产——毒品从系统中清除掉。我们将把它们全部买进。我们将成为毒品集团的所有者。我试图从中找些笑话，可我实在找不到。” ——杰·雷诺

"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, \'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?\'" --Jimmy Fallon

“许多人都在抱怨，说奥巴马正在变得过于照本宣科了。昨晚，他正在和老婆米歇尔亲密的时候，老婆突然说，‘等等，你是不是正在用电子提词机啊？’” -吉米·法伦

"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon\'s asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it\'s a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. \'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?\'" --Jimmy Fallon

“你听说了吗？Nickelodeon儿童电视频道呼吁，所有的小孩在地球日那天拔掉家里电子设备的电源线一分钟，以教育他们尊重环境的重要性。我认为这是一个很好的主意，除非孩子们那天正在探访疗养院里的祖母。那样的话那断电的一分钟会是相当难受的。海棉宝宝谋杀祖母，怎么回事啊？” ——吉米·法伦

March 24, 2009

"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That\'s the big problem, banks can\'t sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I\'m no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn\'t that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno

“昨天股场反弹了，之前美国财政部表示，将帮助银行出售其有毒资产。这是个大问题，银行跟本不可能出售有毒资产。嗨，笨瓜。我的意思是，我可不是经济学家，但也许应该立即停止称呼那些为有毒资产。对吗？这难道不就是像肯德基做广告说，要卖沙门氏菌鸡吗？”——杰·雷诺

"Mexico\'s government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

“墨西哥政府刚刚宣布悬赏2百万美元捉拿墨西哥的首要毒枭，这种做法和我们在美国的做法有所不同。我们是给我们首要的罪犯发奖金。”-吉米·法伦

"Let\'s not forget the AIG company. The AIG stands for \'ain\'t I greedy?\' No, they changed the name of the company today to \'AIU\' Oh! Okay then. Everything\'s forgiven.\' AIU for \'ain\'t I unethical?\' There you are." --Craig Ferguson

“别忘了AIG公司。AIG三个字母代表‘Ain\'t I Greedy’我不贪心吗？ 不，今天他们把公司的名称改为AIU了。啊！好吧，那么。一切都可以原谅了。AIU是‘我不道德吗’，你看这事。”——克雷格·弗格森

"AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won\'t notice." --Craig Ferguson

“AIG改名字，就像是希特勒改名字，然后指望没人会注意到他改了名字。”——克雷格·弗格森

"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno

“前总统布什现在正在写了一本书，是有关他任总统时必须做出的十二个最艰难的决定。他说，当时每一个决定都有三个选择——剪刀、石头、布。”——杰·雷诺

"In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We\'re now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people?" --Jay Leno

“美国政府宣布将不再购买美国在阿拉巴马制造的避孕套了，这一举措将会使300名美国人失去就业机会。我们将要购买中国制造更便宜的避孕套了。这有任何意义吗？如果中国制造的避孕套性能那么好的话，为什么会有10多亿的中国人哪？”——杰·雷诺

"Did you see this on \'60 Minutes\' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy\'s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon

“昨晚你们看到‘60分钟’电视节目中这个消息吗？米歇尔·奥巴马开始在白宫草坪上开辟一处小菜园子了。当奥巴马一家担心食物不够的时候，你们就应该知道经济有多糟糕了。”——吉米·法伦