But since the babys arrival, the sisters have become distant. Joan feels hurt that Sally seems completely uninterested in little Andrew. Sally, who had no children, claims that her younger sister acts as if no one ever had a baby before. Neither Sally nor Joan understands that the sudden reversal in their family roles is the real cause of the current chill. Joan has finally outdone her dominant older sisterand Sally doesnt like it! Their distance may be temporary, but it shows that childhood rivalry isnt always outgrown. It can remain a strong ingredient in sibling relationships throughout life. In a study at the University of Cincinnati, 65 men and women between ages 25 and 93 were asked how they felt about their brothers and sisters. Nearly 75 percent admitted harboring rivalrous feelings. In a few cases, these emotions were sufficiently intense to have affected their entire lives. Many adult brothers and sisters are close, supportive and affectionateyet still need to compete. Two brothers I know turn into killers when on opposite sides of a tennis net. Off the court, they are the best of friends. My own younger sister never fails to tell me when Ive put on weight.. However, shes a terrible cook and that pleases me; I outdo myself when she comes to dinner. Happily, despite these small failings, we have been an important resource for one another. In between the intensely rivalrous and the generally supportive siblings lie those who relate in an irritable manner that no friendship should survive. Some brothers and sisters stay at arms length, but always stop short ot ending ties completely.Why do these puzzling, unproductive, often painful relationships persist? In part because the bonds forged in childhood remain powerful even after siblings have grown up and gone their separate ways. These relationships are so intimate that the participants share a closeness unlike any other. But along with the affection contributing to that closeness, there is room for anger, jealousy and resentment. Stephen Bank, a family therapist and co-author with Michael D. Kahn of The Sibling Bond, explains why: There are few adults who dont believe deep down that a sibling got more of something than they didparental love, advantages, brains, looks. It could be true, but it really doesnt matter. If, as adults, theyre successful enough to feel on an equal footing, siblings can give each other a great deal. If not, unresolved feelings can distort their relationships. The need for parental love is as instinctive as breathing, and the struggle to keep it all for yourself begins with the birth of a younger sister or brother. According to Bank, when the rivalry between adult siblings achieves neurotic proportions, it can usually be traced back either to marked parental favoritism or to one siblings conviction that the other is superior. A study of adult sisters, described in the book Sisters by Elizabeth Fishel, points up how important it is for parents to treat their children even-handedly. Those sisters who reported the best relationships were the ones who said there had been no favoritism, no parental comparisons and no pitting of one child against another. Social scientists who have studied adult sibling relationships say it is common for them to blow hot and cold. Situations that might be expected to bring them togetherthe birth of a child, the illness or death of a parentare well known for reviving old rivalries. Instead of uniting in their concern for an ill parent, siblings often quarrel bitterly over who provides the most care, financial support or affection, according to Victor Cicirelli, a Purdue University Psychologist. And probate lawyers say the bitterest quarrels erupt when siblings have to divide a parents personal property. The break between Jill and Patty might have been closed by now if Jills husband hadnt been so quick to take his wifes side. If spouses want to be constructive when siblings quarrel, they need to remain emotionally neutral, Bank advises. Its a line to be supportive, provided they remember the goal is to help their mates be more objective and not inflame feelings further. As they get older, many adults say they wish they were on better terms with brothers or sisters.In the next breath, however, they add that its probably impossible.We always get hung up on the same old sore points is a familiar lament .